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February 9, 2010
A field guide to the Bourdainians:
They are "cool guys" whose notions of "cool" are intact from when they were formed. Say, around the time they first discovered Lenny Bruce or the Sex Pistols, or when they decided to grow the hair they still had past their ears.
They can be married, never married, or divorced. They'll wear leather jackets with Levi 501s. They have daughters named "Grace" (after Slick) and ex-wives they met at work. They're gourmands who've replaced lackluster marital sex with hobby cooking and drinking: "This steak is amazing. This rye is sublime. Let me tell you about the time I ate this salmon."
They are fans of Mamet, Bukowski, and Waits; oenophiles who will tell you with eyes glazed how they used to smoke pot — which is a boring thing to say, until you realize they're really telling you about when they were single.
Things they hate include hypocrisy, the Bush administration (yes, still), reality TV, gossip, any music that doesn't conform to their classic-rock standard of kick-ass circa '71, tofu, circumcision, IMing, and what they classify as the "puritan hysteria" of any reaction to a sex scandal, whether it's Mark Sanford's or Tiger Woods'.
I think they like talking about beautiful women more than beautiful women themselves.
Things they love: Patti Smith on vinyl, Philip Roth, lamb chops, the phrase "that's before you were born," the New York Times, giving their kids guitar lessons, Europe, and speeding in Lexus convertibles.
They also love talking about how much they love beautiful women. I think they like talking about beautiful women more than beautiful women themselves. "Oh, Brigitte Bardot." "God, Veronica Lake." "Sophia Loren, don't get me started." Charlotte Gainsbourg, Penelope Cruz, Scarlett Johansson, Carla Bruni, Rachel Weisz. They are fascinated by their own taste in girls, and expect you to ooh and ahh when you're told of their preference for brunettes over blondes, as though their proclivities make them somehow less shallow.
These are men in a state of perpetual reverie for simple pleasures. The way they see it, being horny, wanting to eat well, and liking music is brake-screechingly original, even poetic. But "cool" middle-aged men, no matter how dirty, are just like every other old guy clogging up Match.com with photos of himself on vacation in Greece. They want you to think their worldview is revolutionary because they had the privilege of growing up during the emergence of the American counterculture. The anti-war movement, Dylan going electric, civil rights, LSD, and everything else that predated feminism are all reduced to schtick. It is all that's left for them from the sixties.
When women still fall for these guys, it's not because we're not wise — it's because we're sick of the alternative. A mess of a man is still a man, and a man is hard to find, good or otherwise. There are plenty of guys. That's why we go bananas and crackers over Jon Hamm on Mad Men. If that show were called Mad Guys, it might star Joe Pesci, and nobody wants to see that. (Okay, I sort of want to see that.)
We are sick of hooking up with guys. Guys talk about Star Wars like it's not a movie made for people half their age; a guy's idea of a perfect night is a hang around the PlayStation with his bandmates, or a trip to Vegas with his college friends. Guys feed you Chipotle and ride their bikes in traffic. They are more like the kids we babysat than the dads who drove us home.
And while neither might fit who we are and what we want, Bourdainians beat the alternative if only because, clichéd or not, they are adults.
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Commentarium (66 Comments)
Christ! You described me perfectly on the second page and I
Hilarious--I'm in the Bourdain guys' age range (though young enough to resent their "you were too young for Woodstock" attitude) and I would rather do volunteer work in a nursing home than go out with any of them. I understand the alternative isn't great either, but at least you can influence the young guys.
Jeez, such passive-aggressive horseshit. Go fuck Larroquette already, I'm sure you'll both enjoy it more than the rest of us had to read about it.
Ha! My thoughts exactly! It's just sex, try not to over think it Darlin'!
You are wise beyond your uears, Ms. Klausner. Those of us who qualify as "men of a certain age" need all the help (i.e. praise, even if faint, understanding and affection) we can get . . .
Cool older men, cool older women. What's the difference? Quality people, who have led interesting lives and who have their shit together, will always be attractive. And some people will always find them more attractive than younger, smoother, prettier, more shallow, more screwed up younger people.
I LOVED this piece and can definitely relate.
Uhh Yeah Dude is a podcast put on by Jonathan Larroquette Jr. And Seth Romatelli. It's funny and should be listened to.
ooh sneaky. i do love the men with their shit put together. besides, very little interesting culture was made in my lifetime, i need a field guide.
Also, they like to wear shoes without socks. Yuck.
You want a "grown up daddy" to take care of you, and we want a woman who will shut up and make me a sandwich.
omg, this is so hilarious. i can totally relate - have had some major fantasies about bourdain's chef friend Eric Ripert from the show Avec Eric.
The joke to me is the intimation that younger women--let's call them girls--have their shit together any better than "guys," as you call them. The point is that everyone needs to mature--guys like video games as young men; girls are walking insecurities. It goes both ways. And let's face it--men and women have issues until the day they die. This kind of stereotypical schlock is insulting at times.
I fail to see how enjoying certain movies or video games makes one immature. Oh, wait, men are supposed to live a joyless life of drudgery to support their wives. Meanwhile women get to have their girls'-nights-out and, while we're tossing around stereotypes, fashion and shoes and "me time".
Brilliant.
I just recently spent hours playing video games with my college bandmates. I can also discuss literature and cook a nice filet mignon with just the right sides. So, what category does that put me in? Is there a convenient label for "man happily married to a woman with no daddy issues?"
One of my first crushes, age 11 or so, was SNL-era Dennis Miller. I've still got it in for the "cool older men" (Bourdain included), and though the second page of this article is rife with generalizations, I can't say that I haven't at times witnessed these particular traits in this particular subset of men.
So she derides guys liking Star Wars, yet she babbles on about Miss Piggy, the Muppets and Annie. And whines about young men not being manly enough and old men being too desperate. Not to mention she obsessively posts about dogs on her blog and claims to have a living room filled with animal embroidery. Sounds like she's a prototypical "sophisticated" gal from 9th grade who is really just a little princess.
i really liked it, except for the bike comment at the end. so someone is immature if they ride a bike "in traffic"?
welp, bikes are legally supposed to be ridden in the road. i'd love an older guy who stayed in shape by sexily riding his bike around town.
Why are videogames the standard "OH MY GOD THIS PERSON CAN'T BE RESPONSIBLE". My partner is a wonderful man who cooks, says things like "I just never want to forget about the little things to let you know I love you", holds down a career in a very intense field and then comes home and wants to play videogames. Videogames do not equal immaturity. Also Star Wars is made for anyone of any age, really. Why is there an age limit on ANYTHING? Jesus.
Funny, my Bourdain fantasy always ended with him doing me over a sack of dry goods in a restaurant basement storage area, near the walk-in. I guess I'm just a dirty girl like that.
Win.
If you visit Minneapolis this spring maybe you could make a fantasy come true. Mr Bourdain will be at the State Theatre and I know there is a meet and greet for it! http://www.hennepintheatretrust.org/events/anthony-bourdain
"If you visit Minneapolis this spring maybe you could make a fantasy come true. Mr Bourdain will be at the State Theatre and I know there is a meet and greet for it!"
Is that you, Anthony?
I have liked older men since I was 15, 16 years old. My dad's friends at our synagogue loved me because I treated them like people, not like old guys. I still love an older man - maybe not was-there-for-the-civil-rights-marches older, because I'm 24 and dating a 67 year old is just weird. Besides, older men/women are perfect for any spanking fantasy you might have. :)
Nobody would accuse me as "cool", but it I do find myself letting slip the "before you were born" clause when trying (unsuccessfully) to describe the Replacements or Joy Division to my grad students. You forgot to add that we hate texting, and we fall asleep immediately after sex. But boy do we love our lamb chops.
I love texting. Do not eat lamp chops. Like to pillow talk after sex. Then do it again. And I also feel like a lot of these commenters have realllllly missed the point of this piece. This is not a treatise on how cool older men are. It's a thinly-veiled diatribe against them. Fuck you too, Julie.
It isn't veiled at all.
Funny, my Bourdain fantasy involves him making me a steak. Mmmmm.
Never was into older men, never got the girls who were. Thought my best friend was a perv for having a crush on Harrison Ford (Return of the Jedi--we were 14). My favourite part of the article was realizing the "older men" in question weren't my demographic. Yet.
This is as brilliant as it is breezy.
These are the types of men my friends are into - but the wrinkles and greys are turn-offs. My husband's fun and cultured (despite being a kickass gaming ninja), but the bonus over these guys is that he's half their age, so he's still smoking hot. At my age, I can't imagine being attracted to someone who looks like our dads until I'm actually that age, but each to their own.
i'm 43 and the thought of banging a woman over 33 is disturbing and gross. as we get older, men can still pull action with hot young girls. it never really has to end for us. but women as they age resent this. thus you can get articles like this.
Ew, the thumb ring has gotta go!
I think what you saying is that you wish men of your generation would grow up. I'm in my early thirties and it amazes me that the majority of the guys up till forty or so are stuck in a teenage wasteland.
Klausner is probably the most talented writer and comedian to be saddled with terminal self-righteousness. Usually writers who are that good at observing whats stupid and wrong with everyone/everything else have some degree of self-deprication.
"i'm 43 and the thought of banging a woman over 33 is disturbing and gross."
Really, JS? Ew. I'm a 23 year-old woman and the thought of you is disturbing and gross.
I would totally abandon husband and children for Bourdain. (Well, the fantasy is ripe anyway.)
So, Julie, you're what, 34? 35? I tell you what: I'm marking my calendar right now for February 10, 2030, so that I can check back in with you and see how your 55-year-old ass is doing. I'll bet you'll be regaling whoever will listen about the time you saw Lady Gaga walking along at the corner of Broadway and who-gives-a-shit. I'm 44-years-old, and thus consider myself kind of a "tweener". Most of the things you lament about in your article really don't bother me, but it's the arrogance of youth that does. The only thing young people have going for them is that they're still young - strictly an accident of chronology. It's not like you invented being young. Everyone older than you has done it before, so don't act so damn arrogant. Go fuck an older guy, or girl, whatever, and realize that you'll be with us soon enough. And when you're here, and you want to talk all about how much you loved seeing Snow Patrol from the second row at Madison Square Garden, we'll just nod, pour you some more rye, and say, "Yes, I know exactly what you're talking about."
I suggest seeing the movie "Last Tango in Paris."
Love this article, LOVE Bourdain. Yumm.
Anthony Bourdain and John Hamm...so...fucking...hottt. And they know it. Bastards.
Agreed on so many levels.
It's kinda heartening to know that younger women are increasingly onto to the tricks (read:bullsh*t) of men who are of 'un d'age certain.' Sure, these fellas have their good points- I'm an afficianado as well- but their only selling point that worked on women of *my* age is that we didn't see their rubbish coming. Y'all do, and can steel yourselves accordingly. Do unto them as they will to you- use 'em for fun, but keep your expectations low; after all, it's just their c**ks that found you initially fascinating. Their capabilities of seeing you as human beings (as opposed to just insertion points) is likely minimal...however bright you really are. I'd like to think that your perception will pay off. Just the same, I'd still hit Bourdain like the fist of an angry Goddess. Enjoy, ladies!!
Agreed on many, many levels. Absolutely.
I don't like ageism.
I have to tell you that us oldsters (at least all my single buddies) don't consider being horny, wanting to eat well and liking music very original, "cool", young at heart or anything like that. We are, by and large, just older versions of ourselves in our twenties with better impulse control. All the faux romanticizing that you speak of (in what reads as a fairly shallow and false observation) is being done by the younger woman who may become infatuated with us. Every generation has it's own idiosyncrasies, but one that has existed for nearly all time is younger ladies falling for older man. THAT is unoriginal.
Wow, lots of overly-sensitive commenters here. Julie had mostly GOOD things to say about such men, and we should all know "field guides" are, by definition, reliant on certain stereotypes. Or perhaps a better word is patterns.
somebody, one of us, help us with a response to this horseshit.
You're clearly on to something to have inspired such klassy comments. ;-) I think this was right on.
Tired of your blather. Please stop stalking men and pretending you're still in your 20s.
Tired of your blather. Please stop stalking men and pretending you're still in your 20s.
Jon Hamm is 39. That is, only a few years older than you. Middle age isn't so bad, really. Accept it. Join us. Grow up.
I see a lot of me in there..
This is embarrassing. Really, really embarrassing.., but I stumbled upon this page when I googled "I want to fuck John Larroquette."
Maybe he's just not that into you.
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Well written yet very shallow observations regarding 1 stereotypical male archetype. That being said, the writer needs to have her pipes cleaned, of course if she got lucky she might lose her ability to write anything interesting.
I hate to admit it, but the first time I read this I totally blushed.
This is not the only type I like, but it's definitely one of my big ones, of which Bourdain is the latest example.
Tripe such as this says next to nothing about any actual real men, though it does illustrate what a complete and thoroughly enveloping womb for clueless women popular media now is. It's no wonder a supposedly grown female adult only knows how to strike a pose, and is only able to think in familiar cliches and stereotypes.
hi are ok waht are you doing nowe
Shoot, so that's that one sppueoss.
you deride "guys" now but wait for the terrifying reality in 30 years when our definition of "cool older men" involves a nostalgic love of punk rock and a skateboard (or HOVERboard!)