Jack's Naughty Bits

There is little doubt that the names for genitalia leave something to be desired. Penises are better off than vaginas in this department; breasts and testicles do quite well, but the poor clitoris really suffers. Some friends and I, aware of these lexical shortcomings, set about inventing our own terminology for the most anatomical of anatomical parts, hoping to lend some sanity to the madness. Penises should, we concluded, be divided according to whether or not they are erect. The erect penis, so in need of a better moniker than Woody or Hard-On, much less Boner, we opted to call a Slinder — and we encourage you to draw out the "L" sound for maximum effect. The sad, floppy, wrinkly, shell-less sea creature of a thing that is the unerect penis we refer to simply as a Zirt. And we remind you that, like books to their covers, you can't judge a man by his Zirt.

The vagina, meanwhile, has made a great cultural comeback, though its appertaining terminology has been slower to evolve. Having concluded that the stretching, resilient, emotive, involuted, self-dewing masterpiece needed more joyous names than those beginning with T, C or P, we agreed unanimously on Voorheeee! (always in italics, always with the exclamation point) as the official name, which can be shortened to "my V" for practicality. We realize that this abbreviation could lead the uninitiated to believe we were adopting the traditional medical term referred to at the beginning of this paragraph, but no endeavor as ambitious as ours is free of all risk.

Balls are fine, though we prefer to call them Motchies, as in "Hey, no teeth on the Motchies!", while breasts can now be referred to either with the Middle English "paps" or our new-and-improved "Sha-Shas." The anus, long neglected, so-called hole of either bung or ass, is now the Feep, a name we hope will not remain obscured in darkness. Finally, for that great idiomatic oversight, the clitoris, so mysterious to most men (and some women) that it has barely evoked any non-clinical sobriquets (the ludicrous "love button" and the most ironic "little man in the boat" notwithstanding), we offer: Stalgon the Imperial or the Twee, depending on your mood. We sincerely hope these new designations serve all your conversational and interrogative needs.

NB: The excerpt below, from Kurt Vonnegut's classic Breakfast of Champions, concerns itself with female anatomy and its popular slang. We provide it as a point of cultural reference.

* * *  

From Breakfast of Champions

by Kurt Vonnegut

last week

A wide-open beaver was a photograph of a woman not wearing underpants, and with her legs far apart, so that the mouth of her vagina could be seen. The expression was first used by news photographers, who often got to see up women's skirts at accidents and sporting events and from underneath fire escapes and so on. They needed a code word to yell to other newsmen and friendly policemen and firemen and so on, to let them know what could be seen, in case they wanted to see it. The word was this: "Beaver!"

A beaver was actually a large rodent. It loved water, so it built dams. It looked like this:

last week

The sort of beaver which excited news photographers so much looked like this:

last week

This was where babies came from.

© Kurt Vonnegut

Commentarium (9 Comments)

Feb 28 00 - 9:35pm

You made me laugh out loud, repeatedly.
I will endeavour to get my friends to use your suggested
terminology and maybe come up with some of our own (I'll let you know how that goes)!
The cherry on top (sorry, I couldn't help myself) was quoting from Kurt V., truly a literary genius!
Please keep this style of writing coming.

Mar 03 00 - 2:00am

Well - props to KV but I need to speak up for John Irving's perfect description of the "full" glimpse in World According...- or ...Owen Meany (oops they somehow merged into a vague scene involving some old house inhabited by an older gentleman somewhere in New Hampshire suprise, suprise - Andover, I presume)...he called this particular sight a "SPLIT WET BEAVER." Brilliant.
oh - and say "that's not a twat" with a feigned british accent. just for the fuck of it.

Mar 03 00 - 5:36am

What a joyous way to start an otherwise mundane Friday in the UK. It was a neat discovery the nerve center and Jack is the man I love already.(are you married??)Thank you Jack and your way with words. I shall now spread the word and indeed the new terminology. Glee.
Heather Matuozzo

Mar 03 00 - 9:09pm

hey boo
this made me laugh so I'm passin it on to you.....
can't wait for u to play with my twee......
your lover

Mar 05 00 - 4:54am

a simple reply to jack's naughty bits:

there is a term that comes to mind after reading your article. and with ease, i can say "eat a bag of dicks". when hearing this phrase, i can only imagine your mind wandering off to a place where "glorious fat whore" is munching hard on the "slinder of numerous short bald men".

as far back as two centuries, english folk were killing pigs and using the leftovers for tenderloin to make oblong shaped sausages. referred to as "budleys". please add this to the bits list.

regards, o'hardness

Mar 13 00 - 10:08pm

For those of you who desire a more clever way of referring to a woman's clitoris, and feel that it is also worthy of attention, try some of the clever names in the following quote from "Gargantua and Patagruel (early 1500s.)
"One of them {women} would call it her little dille, her staff of love, her quillety, her faucetin, her dandilollie: Another her peen, her jolly kyle, her bableret, her membretoon, her quickset imp: Another again, her branch of coral, her female adamant, her placket-racket, her Cyprian sceptre, her jewel for ladies: and some of the women would give it these names, my bunguetee, my stopple too, my busherrusher, my gallant wimble, my pretty boarer, my coney-burrow ferret, my little piercer, my augretine, my dangling hangers, down right to it, stiff and stout, in and to, my pusher, dresser, pouting stick, my honey pipe, my pretty pillicock, linkie pinkie, futilletie, my lusty andouille, and crimson chitterlin, my little couille bredouille, my pretty rogue.

Nov 21 11 - 2:16am

With the bases ldoead you struck us out with that answer!

Nov 21 11 - 2:48pm

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