FICTION




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Rachel is wearing a pale red thong, a panda-head hairclip and a red jersey leisure dress. She rubs organic coconut oil on her thighs and arms. She thinks, "Sexy bitches," and feels confused because "bitches" was plural but she is alone in the house. She goes downstairs and lies on the couch and stares at the ceiling. She thinks about a depressed hamster running into the ocean screaming in agony. She thinks about her boyfriend flying through the air attacking her with his penis. The penis hits her shoulder and knocks her down. She feels wet. Her cellphone rings. It's her boyfriend. "I'm in the taxi," Matt says. "I'll be there soon."

"Thank you for calling," Rachel says.

promotion



"You're welcome," Matt says.

In the taxi, Matt stares outside. A snowshoe hare falls out of a very tall tree, hits a branch, hits another branch, lands on the snow, and then runs away quickly. Matt averts his eyes. He thinks about slipping wildly on a patch of organic extra-virgin olive oil on the sidewalk. He grins a little. At Rachel's house he gives the taxi driver a fifty-percent tip and feels proud. Rachel opens the door. Matt looks at Rachel's face and body and feels excited. Rachel has a soft body with many curves and also her rib cage and shoulder blades are visible. She has large eyes, a small nose and a small mouth. She has dyed black hair. Matt wants to have sex with her face and body, but with a penis the size of Rachel's face and body, shaped so that it fits on her like a mold, so that when they have sex it looks like Rachel is just standing there with a thin layer of sensitive crotch meats enveloping her like a scuba suit. Matt feels confused.

"Are you okay?" Rachel says.

"Yes," Matt says. "Are you okay?"

"Yes," Rachel says, and hugs Matt. She takes Matt's bag. She gives Matt water. "Thank you," Matt says, and drinks the water. Rachel feels an uncontrollable urge to lie on top of Matt without doing anything else, just lying on top, but the feeling passes. She has an image of sitting on the side of a bathtub petting Matt while Matt is taking a bath.

"Fucking sexy," Matt thinks, and he feels embarrassed.



"Was the taxi bad?" Rachel says.


"I don't know," Matt says. "The guy was good. I think it was okay." Matt thinks about the taxi driver. It was a strange man who was normal — a normal man. Matt feels frustrated. "It was just a taxi," he says. "But it was good."

Matt kisses Rachel's mouth and the area between Rachel's mouth and Rachel's nose. "Rachel's nose is an elegant piece of work," Matt thinks seriously. They go upstairs into Rachel's room, which is dark. There are two beds. One is a normal bed; the other is a nest of blankets and pillows on the floor. Rachel and Matt choose the nest. They lie on the nest and kiss and Matt removes Rachel's hairclip and puts it on the floor.

Matt turns Rachel so she is facing away and her ass is against his crotch. He touches her stomach and her rib cage.
Rachel rubs her ass against Matt's crotch. "That's it," Matt thinks. "That's it," Matt says. "That's how I like it." Rachel laughs a little. She lies on Matt facing the ceiling and continues rubbing her ass on Matt's crotch. Matt kisses Rachel's neck. Matt pulls Rachel's dress up and puts his hands under Rachel's thong. Matt looks over Rachel's shoulder at her chest and stomach. It looks good. "Fucking sexy," Matt thinks, and feels embarrassed. "Sexy," Matt says. He puts his middle finger in Rachel's vagina, which is wet. "My longest finger," Matt thinks. "Perfect." He puts his middle finger all the way into Rachel's vagina and splays his two forefingers out onto Rachel's skin like a bowling ball. He rubs the inside top wall of Rachel's vagina with the tip of his middle finger.

Rachel moans a little. "Feel the pleasure," Matt thinks. "That's it. That's what I like to hear." He wants to keep moving his finger at a steady pace but the position is difficult and his finger is tired. Matt feels defeated. "Don't use all-or-nothing patterns of thought," he thinks. "That is dramatic." Matt feels consoled. He sits at Rachel's feet and takes off her thong. He takes off Rachel's dress. He continues with his middle finger at a slower speed. He licks two fingers on his other hand and uses those fingers to quickly rub Rachel's clit back and forth.



        

  



Commentarium (41 Comments)

Mar 08 07 - 1:02am
LV

It amused me more than uh, tantalized me, but it was good.

Mar 07 07 - 2:02pm
KenM

GET OUT OF MY HEAD, YOU WITCH!!!!!eleven!!! Those are my exact thought processes when I have sex. I am so wearing my tin foil hat the next time I do it!!!!!

Mar 07 07 - 5:16pm
Sara

I don't know how hot that was but it was funny and sweet.

Mar 07 07 - 6:55pm
rd

I have never read such a poetic view of sex that wasn't mushy or discomfortable. Thanks.

Mar 07 07 - 8:42pm
V.K.

This made me think a) A schizo homeless person must've wrote this. B) Very much like the psycho-babble in American Psycho, only worse. C) The weirdest thing I've ever read on Nerve. D)All of the above. If you guessed D, you guessed correctly.

Mar 07 07 - 10:02pm
ted

this is strangely wonderful -- oddball but at the same time it rings true. i really like this.

Mar 07 07 - 10:45pm
M.N.

I love the title, I was not expecting to read a piece of fiction written like that. I admit I laughed at parts, this is very different and I love it!

Mar 08 07 - 12:55am
j.

That was very cool.Odd,quirky,sexy and it made me happy.I want Rachel.

Mar 08 07 - 1:14pm
KenM

It's great because it shows just what awkward, self-centered, brain-chemical-addicted hairless apes we all are. I applaud the author's misanthropy.

Mar 08 07 - 3:35am
TL

Hello. This is Tao Lin. Thank you for the nice comments. I want to post two small sex stories here. Here they are.

"Main Ho's Daughter"

At a poetry reading in a cafe near St. Mark's bookstore a large Asian man read poems about being excited for Christmas. His voice was monotone and very quiet. Main Ho's Daughter approached the Asian man outside. She was confused because the man was a large Asian. "Do you go to NYU?" she said. "No," the man said. "I'm in a ska band and I run a record label. Do you want a tour of NYU?" The large Asian man and Main Ho's daughter got in a cab and then had unprotected sex at the large Asian man's apartment.

"Ha Jin's Big Day"

At Taco Bell Ha Jin looked at his two sons and wife. "Asian," thought Ha Jin. A teenager wearing a bikini with a short, tight, plaid skirt walked in. Ha Jin brought his burrito supreme in front of his face to block his eyeballs so his wife wouldn't see him staring at the teenager, who was caucasian.

Ha Jin said, "I'm going to the restroom."

"Me too," said Ha Jin's son.

Ha Jin said, "I'm going to the bathroom alone."

"Are you going to work on poetry a little?" said Ha Jin's son.

"Yes," said Ha Jin.

In the bathroom Ha Jin held his erect penis and thought, "Hot caucasian Taco Bell ass." He made a small cushion on the sink with almost half a roll of toilet paper and put his penis on the soft pile and then pushed his legs off the floor and applied the pressure of his body onto the sink through his crotch with one hand between his crotch and the cushion and one hand holding the hand drying machine for support until he "came."

Mar 08 07 - 10:07am
nll

i imagined the large monotone asian man reading this to me in the bathroom. i felt a little confused. and frustrated.

Mar 08 07 - 3:29pm
ohm

do you edit your writing? because this read as if you wrote it, like you write everything, fast on a library computer, without thinking twice and without editing.

plus the story was stupid and juvenile. but, yes, it is a great title.

so: bad writer, or not bad but not there yet, not yet evolved, still in jack kerouac stage, but great self-promotionalist.

Mar 08 07 - 3:55pm
KenM

Wow. Tao Lin is like Henry Miller for the McSweeney's Generation. TL, I want to hang out on a park bench in Washington Square Park with you in warm weather and eat those dhosas from the pushcart and make fun of passers-by.

Mar 10 07 - 3:35am
TL

Yes. I edit my writing. I worked about 10-15 hours on this story I think. My 20-page stories I work like 120-150 hours on. I hope I answered your question without abstractions or name-calling but with factual information from concrete reality. Thank you.

Mar 10 07 - 6:11pm
FU

Sloppy, monotonous, overwritten, unsexy writing. A good example of how not to write about fucking because in my opinion if this "work" is anything, it's primarily brain fucking, one of the worst kinds of fucking there is and one of the least kinds of fucking the world needs right now: cold, unsensual and disconnected. Your writing continues to get worse and worse with time. This is one of the worst things you've written from what I've read.

Mar 12 07 - 4:30am
FS

i really liked this - it was quite unusual but sexy. thanks!

Mar 13 07 - 9:14pm
RML

I was so horny after reading this piece, I sat in a dark corner and thought about fucking

Sep 09 12 - 8:26am
mns

first time such experience may be very harmful with after some sort it feel good

Mar 14 07 - 4:39pm
ay

right now, this is the best story i have ever read in my life.

May 10 07 - 11:29am
LOL

o
m
g.
this is so bad. i was googling "rachel ribcage" and i found this hot mess.

Sep 28 07 - 7:56pm
LF

Um, yeah, that sucked (no pun intended). And how could I tell from the description of the foreplay that it was a guy who'd written this, without even having to check the byline?

Oct 16 07 - 7:09pm
alc

"Matt feels like a small lamb levitated twenty feet above a green pasture slowly floating toward a sparkling river not yet polluted by factory farms."

Hahaha!

I like this story.

Nov 14 07 - 11:57pm
TE

I love you. Please write 2,896 more stories like this.

Dec 27 07 - 12:50am
BE

Tao Lin uses stylistic affectations to disguise the fact that his writing is shallow.

May 29 10 - 8:28am
Name

What do you think?bb

Aug 08 10 - 5:38pm
jesus

this is at about the level of a porno-mag photo with a hitler moustache and swastika armband drawn on it. just typically awful porn writing but with a banal sub-slam poetry flourish every couple of paragraphs. i mean that "calmness" sentence is so fucking appalling it makes me want to chew through my desk. utterly, completely fucking terrible and useless in every single fathomable way.

Aug 12 10 - 12:51am
DL

It is embarrassing how much buzz such a truly terrible writer has managed to create. Wonderful self-promotionalist, as stated above. Tao Lin will not be remembered by true fans of literature except in the way that Vanilla Ice is sheepishly remembered by people of a certain generation. His time will pass, and we will all be better for it.

Sep 02 10 - 1:29pm
bagle

awesome.

Sep 09 10 - 12:00pm
lillian

brilliantly funny!

Sep 28 10 - 3:54am
Penis

Fuck you Tao Lin

Sep 28 10 - 12:52pm
Dr priya

yes

Oct 01 10 - 4:38pm
keymaker

Your writing is simple great, Especially for beginners!

Oct 25 10 - 7:34pm
bro

funny and sexy. i liked the part where the boy felt wise for remembering to maintain a certain speed. i have experienced similar feelings of wisdom in the bedroom.

Nov 05 10 - 4:10pm
this shit is goddamn

fucking talentless douche...

Dec 03 10 - 12:37am
Trevor

damn, tao lin seems to have a lot of haters. must be doing something right. I mean, "...completely fucking terrible and useless in every single fathomable way..." Really? what is wrong with it? i'm asking honestly. i have no idea what constitutes good writing. i mean i like to read tao lin, his dialogue seems to capture my subconscious pretty well. It seems like he takes the excitement and wonder and intricacy out of thoughts though. I feel like his style is very new (at least to me) and interesting, but it makes me kind of sad. very sad actually. like all of our thoughts can be summed up into these simple sentences. run-on, dreary. I don't know. can someone explain things to me? i am a baby. i don't try to understand depth in writing. it kinda makes me angry. Tao lin is anything but talentless though.

Dec 14 10 - 11:40pm
Alexander

Tao Lin, there are two qualities that all great artists have: a sort of..."fucked-up-ness" that allows you to reach (or invent) different ways of viewing the world, and the technical mastery to express these inner realities in an ingenious way. You've got plenty of fucked-up-ness, but you're kind of lacking in the writing department. Personally, as an appreciator of weird things, I can't help but like what you've written, but on the other hand...if you could express whatever you were trying to express (disconnection? detachment? the randomness of everyday life? etc.) in a more intelligent and sophisticated way, I would definitely be a fan. Peace out, a giant moose just hit 'submit'.

Jan 07 11 - 12:56am
Jess

The comments are mostly about whether or not Tao Lin is a bad writer, so I guess I'll continue that pattern of discussion. Basically, my feelings about it are this: if Tao Lin was trying to arouse me, he failed. If he was trying to amuse me, he succeeded. If he was trying to simply describe sex without any goals re: emotion in the reader, this story does reflect some of the sex I have had. His writing style is amateurish, but so is Richard Brautigan's and I like him just fine. Plus, you can't say his voice isn't distinctive, and isn't that the real test of an author? I can't come to a real conclusion about this piece, so I will close with this statement: I noticed that when I look up Joey Comeau's books on Amazon, people have purchased Tao Lin's books along with us and that is a pretty good endorsement.

Feb 18 11 - 10:57am
paris

Are you know mr Donovan?

Aug 23 11 - 7:26am
rtyecript

I really liked the article, and the very cool blog

Sep 03 11 - 2:55am
prtygrl

Oh...That worked for me...

Aug 08 12 - 8:33am
Matthew

Jesus, the picture up top is almost as bad as the prose.