Stephen Colbert Whips Lindsay Lohan

New Yorker editor Ben Greenman inserts celebrities into the stories of Anton Chekhov.

Stephen Colbert whips Lindsay Lohan

By Ben Greenman

The newest book by the New Yorker editor and author Ben Greenman, Celebrity Chekhov (Harper Perennial), takes the classic stories of Anton Chekhov and inserts contemporary American celebrities. In the published version of "A Classical Student," Chekhov/Greenman's protagonist is punished by a certain infamous motorcycle customizer. Here, in an alternate version exclusive to Nerve, an entirely different figure metes out rough justice. It should be stressed that every word of the story is fiction, including "and," "the," and "thrash."

Before setting off for her audition, Lindsay Lohan kissed all the movie posters. Her stomach felt as though it were upside down; there was a chill at her heart, while the heart itself throbbed and stood still with terror before the unknown. What would she get that day? An offer? A callback? Six times she went to her mother for her blessing, and, as she went out, asked her sister to pray for her. On the way to the audition she gave a homeless man five dollars, in the hope that that five dollars would atone for her ignorance, and that she would not forget her lines or what her character was feeling.

She came back from the audition late, between four and five. She came in, and noiselessly lay down on her bed. Her freckled face was pale and looked even thinner than usual. There were dark lines beneath her eyes.

“Well, how was it? What did they think? Was the director there?” asked her mother Dina, going to her bedside.

Lindsay blinked, twisted her mouth, and burst into tears. Her mother turned pale, let her mouth fall open, and clasped her hands. The magazine she was reading dropped to the floor.

“What are you crying for? You’ve failed, then?” her mother asked.

“They said it was fine and that they’d be in touch, but I know what that means.”

“I knew this would happen! I had a dream last night,” said her mother. “God! How is it you can’t get real roles? What is the reason? What kind of movie was this again?”

“A teen comedy based on Shakespeare. I knew the lines perfect, but when they asked me to explain them, I froze up.  I was reading from the scene where I come out of my bedroom in the middle of the night, and I don’t feel well because of this murder I did, I mean my character of course, and there’s a doctor standing nearby. I thought I would try something different, and go to the doctor for help—not the real doctor, but the doctor in the play —but it turns out my character is sleepwalking and I’m not supposed to know, she’s not supposed to know, that the doctor is even there. I think they thought I didn’t understand. I am miserable. I was working on this all week.”

I’d beat you, but where am I to find the strength? Mother of God, where am I to find the strength.

“It’s not you who should be miserable, but me. I’m miserable. I’ve finally had enough. This is the last straw. I have been taking you to auditions since you were a little girl. I’ve broken my back for you. This is a role that should be a breeze to get. Why can’t you just try harder?”

“I . . . I am trying as hard as I know. I’m up until three or four every night practicing. You’ve seen it yourself.”

“I prayed to God to take me, but He leaves me here to suffer from you. Other people have children like everyone else. I get pleasure and comfort from your sister but none from you. I’d beat you, but where am I to find the strength? Mother of God, where am I to find the strength?”

The mother hid her face in the folds of her blouse and broke into sobs. Lindsay wriggled with anguish and pressed her forehead against the wall. Lindsay’s sister Ali came into the room.

“So that’s how it is. Just what I expected,” Ali said, at once guessing what was wrong, turning pale. “I’ve been depressed all afternoon, while you were out at the audition. There’s trouble coming, I thought, and here it is.”

“No comfort! Where can I find the strength? God damn it.”

Commentarium (15 Comments)

Oct 04 10 - 1:16am

Is this like Lincoln and the zombies, fucking with the tried and true? I'm ready for Thus Spake Selena Gomez, I don't care anymore.

Oct 04 10 - 11:25am

It seems different from the zombies. I don't know about Lincoln. But this seems...I don't know...subtler?

Oct 04 10 - 11:41am

I have to say that it was kind of hot.

Oct 04 10 - 2:08pm

My girlfriend left this up on the screen. I don't usually read Nerve (I'm more likely to read Chekhov) but this is pretty nuts, in a good way.

Oct 04 10 - 2:17pm

A mash up for the literary-minded and the celebrity-obsessed?? It's like eating Cheez Wiz injected with vitamins. Mmmmmmmmmmm.

Oct 04 10 - 2:19pm
Kai Abraham

Nerve is turning me into a Ben Greenman fanboy, I have to admit. This was brilliant. Could be a whole new public school initiative.

Oct 04 10 - 2:20pm
Roxy Muse

I was eating lunch and reading this on my phone and I almost spit my Red Bull out through my nose. Hilarious, though I'm not sure if it's making fun of celebrities or the rest of us.

Oct 04 10 - 2:46pm

I wish that Colbert would whip everyone. Lindsay Lohan is a good start.

Oct 04 10 - 6:21pm

You drink Red Bull without vodka?

Oct 04 10 - 6:37pm

i just like her hangers

Oct 04 10 - 8:58pm

I drink vodka without Red Bull. What does that make me? I want one of these with Rachel McAdams getting spanked. Can I order it from the publisher?

Oct 04 10 - 9:10pm

My fantasy is to have Rachel McAdams in a schoolgirl outfit spank me in between doing shots of Grey Goose.

Oct 05 10 - 8:28pm

I liked it better when it was called 'Mad Libs'.

Now get the hell off my lawn.

Oct 07 10 - 11:21am

I love it, but then I have a longstanding fantasy of putting Lindsay Lohan's head between my knees and spanking her.

Oct 11 10 - 10:33pm

that was okay. maybe i'd like it more if i'd never read any chekhov.