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We saw each other for eight months, keeping the tracks of Amtrak hot, but I still don't know exactly how and why what we did worked for him. We never talked about it, and perhaps talking would have ruined it. I'm sure he felt empowered slapping me, but not in the way we think of men who are bullies or who prey on the weak. I think his sense of power came from the trust it took in me to let him hit me. I think he appreciated that. And I trusted him because from that first night, I learned the violence emanating from his hand was intelligent, deliberate and thoughtful. I let him do it, and he knew when to stop. It was an intimate and intuitive act in both directions. And when Jane Doe on the street stood glaring at us, at him, I realized that he was just as much at the mercy of it as I was. We were both submitting to the risk, and there was a mutual respect in that. And the look of concern I'd see on his face — every single time — was concern for both of us. I'll always admire him for that. I admire a man who has the courage to slap me, who will put himself in that position, not out of anger but to feel the power of it and the pleasure of seeing it reflected back from me.
I remember sitting in a dozen restaurants in Philly and New York, when he'd brush my hair back from my face, and say, "You're glowing. And it's lovely." And I'd sit there feeling every nerve ending, and I'd say what I couldn't say to that woman on the street, or any other number of people who couldn't quite trust it: I know, and it's exactly what I needed. n°
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ABOUT THE AUTHOR:
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Angela Conner has been in self-imposed exile from Appalachia for fifteen years and currently lives in Philadelphia. She used to be a Southern Baptist and still suffers from evangelical hopes and dreams. Some day she might be the author of a novel or a memoir about childhood sickness and death and adult sex and damnation.
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©2008 Angela Conner and Nerve.com
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Commentarium (17 Comments)
I thought this was a brilliant and incredibly honest piece of writing. I am sorry for people who are so frightened by the subject matter that they can't see that.
Excellent intellighnt, sensative and creative writing.
Thanks,. G.M
Oh, spare me the facile sanctimony. Sensitive? Creative? Honest? Perhaps if she spent a bit less time trying to glamorize her abuse and self-abuse, she'd find that "honest" place to write from. I'd like to read the piece she writes 15 years from now, when the psychotherapy kicks in and she realizes how she's been used by this cowardly man who gets his rocks off hitting women. That's not "concerned and questioning" in his eyes after he whacks you around, my dear; it's fear. He's terrified you're going to turn around and put his lights out for him, which is the least of what the scumbag deserves.
You think she's still going to want to get smacked around when she's 40? 50? And what will it mean that she wants to stop? That she's all "pained out"? Or will it mean she's a little bit wise and has a self image that isn't as twisted as her spine was?
She pays passing lip service to everyone out there who doesn't see the glory in a woman being hit by a man. "It's not for everyone!" Yeah, neither is a gunshot to the chest, or a supporating facial wound -- or scoliosis, for that matter. It's for people who are unfortunately afflicted or attacked. Key root word: unfortunate.
Ther. A. Py.
wow wow wow. exquisite writing. i've never really experimented with BDSM, but that doesn't stop me from wondering about it & the people who participate in it. this was fascinating, insightful, and a tremendous turn-on to boot. thanks for sharing.
PO doesn't get it, and never will.
Hmm. I've been thinking about this for awhile -- that is, the prospect of engaging in something similar. I am more interested in the event occurring say, preceding orgasm, when I'm already on fire, rather than as a means of getting there. The essay's beautifully constructed, and I appreciate the candor as well as the timing.
Although I never even playfully slapped my two wives on their butts during foreplay and woman on top sex, I have found that several women I have dated enjoy playful s&m. I have engaged in lengthy foreplay for years, including restraining wrists and ankles as we see each other in mirrors placed around the bed for our own private porno, I was too hesitant to get permission to spank. Several women love to imagine their college boyfriend watching me smack their naked ass cheeks as he stands naked in a closet masturbating as I lift their butts up as I tweak their nipples and then rub my penis against them. One women came several times as she writhed around in joy!
our deepest fantasies are not always logical, or even safe. acting on them (and i have) can be both thrilling and sometimes devastating. i could neither recommend people pursue them, or not. with some people you get a sense, even without language, of whether you are safe. but it's tricky and probably not to be taken lightly.
disappointment is so deeply woven into so many aspects of life that it's small wonder we can get off on inflicting and/or receiving pain.
This essay is as refreshing, clear, and positive as BDSM is when done in a spirit of self-knowledge and mutual respect. Thank you, I appreciated it, and think it deserves a form expanded beyond a brief essay.
As a magazine editor who is linking this article, I can say that its been a while since I read something so well written that it was almost entirely pull-quotes. Cudos.
tremendous.
Thank you, that was wonderful.
This essay has a lot of meaning for me. Not because I have any desire to hit or be hit, but because you describe so exquisitely what it meant to you to share that particular intimacy with someone who connected with you so deeply and so well. Extraordinary!
Well quite the story-but I must admit-there may be different strokes for differnt folks but I prefer to treat a woman wih a lot more gentleness and passion-I can see if she would want it its one thing but for me it sounds like abuse....still
I will stick to
www.poetrycastle.org and continue to write as I am...
Dark Knight
some of the most insightful, revealing writing on this topic of discovering a deeply personal fulfillment. candid, delicate pacing, the writer drew me into their world as if it could be my own. i'm glad to have read it and that she wrote it.
I loved this. Congrats on the writing and on the telling-
Oh, Angela ...
How delightfully, endearingly and touchingly honest.
Thank you for that. Please keep on ...