getting around

As our list of the twenty sexiest ugly people proved last month, sexiness comes from an intangible place. Some people just plain got it. And some don't, even when they fit every textbook definition we have for beauty (symmetry, health, cheekbones). Here are our picks for the world's unsexiest beautiful people — a shapely gang of cold fish for whom beauty is, sadly, only skin-deep.


20) Kobe Bryant
Dear Kobe: You're about as beautiful as any man on the planet — except when you make that evil-gerbil face that you practiced in the mirror before the playoffs and which tells us much, much more than we want to know about your inner self. Just stick to the fist pump you stole from MJ. And, sure, you never got convicted for the rape charge in Colorado, but Mrs. Bryant can't have been too happy about that one. There's a big difference between being able to sleep with any woman on the planet and thinking you should be able to sleep with any woman on the planet. You're supposed to be such a clutch closer, but sometimes, friend, your best attempt is just not going to go in. — Jack Harrison

19) Carrie Prejean
Not since Miss South Carolina decried Americans' insufficient access to, "like, maps" has a beauty queen prompted such national soul-searching. Prejean was California's representative in this year's Miss USA pageant. Asked about gay marriage, megawatt smile and Stepford stare firmly in place, she blabbered about freedom of choice before voicing her preference for hetero, or "opposite marriage." "No offense... but that's how I was raised," she explained. Leaving aside the hypocrisy of her holier-than-thou stance (topless photos were quick to surface), intolerance just ain't sexy. Then, in the wake of the ensuing national scandal, publicity-shy ethicist Donald Trump rallied to Prejean's defense. Once Trump's involved, it's time to pack up your genitals. — Billy Gray

18) Mischa Barton
When The O.C. premiered, our initial reaction was, "The CGI budget for the show must be huge!" We later realized that this special effect was actually Mischa Barton, a (purported) human being, and not a collection of high-definition renders. And while she tried her hardest to inspire something like arousal — making out with other pretty girls, landing a role as a model in a new CW show, achieving independent motion — our first impression stuck, and so Barton will always remain just a little bit too uncanny valley for our liking. — James Brady Ryan

17) Alex Rodriguez
Projected to be the greatest baseball player ever (but recently sludged in a steroid scandal), the New York-born, Dominican-American of African descent has the ripped athlete's bod, Frappuccino skin-tone, and purple lips of so many daydream fantasies. Wait, purple lips? What's up with that? Yeah, dude's got lavender kissers all right — lord knows why; maybe circulation problems? And lack of blood flow is actually what lands him on this list: the real reason this prettyboy ain't so sexy is the lukewarm diffidence he brings to all things (despite making twenty-seven mil a year). And if you know that a smooch from a superstar is going to give you chills — of the Arctic variety — how hot can he be? — J.H.

16) Reese Witherspoon
There are two schools of thought here at Nerve on why Reese Witherspoon is not sexy. The first claims that Reese Witherspoon is just too adorable, having emerged fully formed from a rainbow and carried to this earth by a litter of puppies. The second makes the case that inside of her sugar-sweet exterior sleeps a secret bitch, waiting to be unleashed on an unsuspecting PA, or maybe Jake Gyllenhaal. Perhaps both theories rely too much on Witherspoon's iconic performance as Tracy Flick, who both baked cupcakes and destroyed lives, but that's the price for playing a role so well. Its effects may be felt long after the movie is over. — J.B.R.

Commentarium (66 Comments)

Jul 07 09 - 11:35am
tel

mischa barton = "uncanny valley" HA

Jul 07 09 - 4:37pm
LOL

"Most useless article ever."

Jul 07 09 - 4:39pm
F.UN

Whoever wrote that bit about Reese Witherspoon is a drooling idiot who has a filthy minger for a mom!

Jul 07 09 - 4:40pm
FTW

You know who was/is unsexy? That walking corpse MICHAEL JAKCSON!!!!!!

Jun 28 11 - 6:42pm
Jacey

He's hardly a beautiful person.

Jul 07 09 - 4:42pm
666

Miachael Savage Weiner is unsexy AND a bigoted mongrel!

Jul 07 09 - 4:53pm
jgl

You hit the nail on the head until you reached the finale #1-3.

Jul 07 09 - 5:37pm
zb

Oh come on, the Reese Witherspoon bit about the rainbows and the puppies was comic genious! Thannks for the giggle..

Jul 07 09 - 7:24pm
CVK

Fantastic. This was even better than the Sexiest Ugly People one, and that's hard to beat.

Jul 07 09 - 9:38pm
KsZ

The uncanny valley comment was perfect.

Jul 07 09 - 9:47pm
KC

Katie Holmes should be #21

Jul 07 09 - 9:48pm
EMC

I dunno about Keanu, he was really animated in "A Scanner Darkly" so he's on my sexy list, Leonardo is slowly aging into sexiness, and Nicole Kidman, well, she's tall, and a redhead, of course she's sexy, she's tall and a redhead!

Jul 08 09 - 7:54am
PHM

Reese Witherspoon is SO sexy. You guys are crazy.

Jul 08 09 - 8:02am
PHM

Gwyneth Paltrow was like the sexiest woman alive when she was in Iron Man. What a bunch of retards Nerve had working on this article.

Jul 08 09 - 10:09am
SPB

@ PHM - really? sexy in iron man? or, emaciated? have you read GOOP? c'mon!

Jul 08 09 - 11:28am
KRM

Not sure if I would call A-Rod "beautiful," but otherwise I thought this was pretty spot on!

Jul 08 09 - 4:04pm
WLK

What about Sarah Palin?!! Then again, all the porn knock-offs...guess people do want to screw her.

Jul 08 09 - 4:10pm
rkg

paris put the coke in coquette, i love it :)

Jul 08 09 - 5:26pm
CNT

Nicole Kidman is hot...

Jul 10 09 - 12:38am
XO

You had me till Leo. Sure leo used to be pretty boy but now hes a scruffy, tanned sexy beast.

May 06 11 - 4:44pm
tina

I was about to say the same. Leo is sexy. Definitely doesn't say "screw", but that's part of his appeal. He's the type of guy you'd like to "devour".

Jul 09 09 - 4:24pm
RUF

Jessica Alba is still hot. But a lot of the others are spot on. And Sarah Palin? She is so objectionable in so many ways, but I would still throw my hotdog down that hallway.

Jul 09 09 - 4:26pm
GB

Keanu Reeves unsexy? Sure, sure. Somebody here hasn't bloody watched "Point Break" enough times, and they should. Or maybe not. Not worthy.

Jul 09 09 - 4:54pm
gcd

hysterical stuff...you forgot sienna miller...she is all over the place but nobody in america knows who she is...

Jul 09 09 - 5:08pm
WAM

Beautifully scripted and spot on!

Jul 09 09 - 8:22pm
spif

Some of these are way off, maybe every other one. I read it just to see how silly the writing could be. I was not disappointed. Nerve is circling the drain, or in the case of this article, the bowl..

Jul 09 09 - 11:18pm
EJM

You forgot Renee Zellweger

Jul 10 09 - 9:34am
PM

So much bullshit the rest is discredited.

Jul 10 09 - 9:51am
SLM

Pity that Lindsay Lohan isn't on this list. Not many can pull off the 40-yr old truckstop hooker look at the tender age of 20-something.

Jul 10 09 - 9:58am
KEL

@ RUF - Jessica Alba was hot for a minute, but now she just comes off as whiney . why doesn't she ever smile in the pictures with her kid? she's young, rich, pretty and has a beautiful child. she still looks like she just swallowed something bitter. SMILE dammit

Jul 10 09 - 11:03am
ew

@SLM - It's hard to imagine anything being hot about the "Prairie Home Companion" movie, but Lindsay in that cowboy hat, making up the lyrics to "Frankie and Johnny" (whether literally or from the script) as she went cranked up the wattage for even that NPR-family friendly silliness. And that train wreck life of hers...she begs to be rescued and ensconced in some sumptuous bedroom...Or maybe I'm too easily pleased.

Jul 10 09 - 2:01pm
AT

Tom cruise not sexy????
What the fuck!!!
Did you saw MI:2????????
god dammit!

Jul 10 09 - 3:35pm
ppp

Lindsay used to be gorgeous. god those freckles..now, she's a raspy-voiced train wreck. poor girl. eat something, lay off the crazy...

Jul 10 09 - 7:34pm
r

i totally agree with every entry to this list. perfect. though i agree with the poster who said that you missed renee zellweger. i like some of these people, but sexy they aren't.

Jul 11 09 - 4:52am
BS

Have never read more weird article. You take a photo from an angle and can make Britney look sexless. Ask my dick to vote, I would say!!

Jul 11 09 - 4:55am
BS

@WAM.... must you be thinking you are a class? Methink you need your dick / cunt examined.

Jul 11 09 - 8:10am
jazz

Orlando must be banned from ever making a movie again

Jul 12 09 - 12:30am
NB

I saw Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban in a shoe store in Nashville a few months ago. The were making out at the cash register. It was gross.

Jul 12 09 - 1:11pm
MR

This list is pretty accurate and makes me feel better for drooling over "ugly" men who encompass unbelievable sexiness.

Jul 14 09 - 7:41pm
LT

I completely agree with each entry on here. Well done, Nerve. I've often thought that beautiful does not equal sexy, though many other people seem to think so...simpletons, I say!

Jul 14 09 - 11:00pm
CEC

I have to disagree with you using the phrase "date-rapey" in regard to Jamie Foxx's video. I watched it, and there was nothing "date-rapey" about it. Have you heard of beer goggles? People get drunk, they choose to get drunk, and then they sometimes make decisions they later regret. Been there, done that, it wasn't rape. Or even close to it.

Jul 14 09 - 11:01pm
LC

the fact that JESSICA effing ALBA is on this list speaks for itself. you can do better than this, nerve!

Jul 20 09 - 1:35pm
RE

Agree with most. Disagree with Nicole Kidman, Gwenyth Paltrow, and Orlando Bloom. They're still sexy.

Completely AGREE with Jessica Alba. So overrated! She is not sexy.

Jul 30 09 - 9:00am
HH

Woah! Orlando Bloom? Are you serious?! I have to point out here that you are misunderstanding his career. I think he's apprenticing to be a leading man at this point. Of course he's gonna get out-sexied when he's standing next to the likes of Viggo, Brad, and Johnny. It's not his job to outshine those men yet, he's still an ingenue. If you'll pardon my running with this metaphor his job is to look unthreateningly pretty (the ass kicking elf role aside) and sing one song and then step aside and let the divas own the stage.

He'll get there...don't worry.

Oh, and please rewatch Elizabethtown!

Jul 30 09 - 9:08am
HH

"I make no apologies for still liking Shakespeare in Love" Um...I'm sorry, did I miss a public opinion memo, am I supposed to be sneering at this movie now? God forbid a sexy comedy about Shakespeare win an Oscar, right? Ridiculous

Sep 30 09 - 9:44pm
vilm

tem problema nao, as mulheres sao gostosas do mesmo jeiso....

Nov 01 09 - 5:19pm
MPS

I have to agree............the most ridiculous list I have ever seen. Who came up with this garbage??

Nov 06 09 - 5:32pm
KH

Actually, The Matrix is my primary example for finding Keanu boring.

Jan 03 10 - 1:39am
LY

Pretty much everything on this list--in particular Jessica Alba--is spot-on!

Apr 04 10 - 4:21pm
gg

rene zellwegger

May 14 10 - 4:09pm
sammyjune

yeah, the ugly sexy people list was way more "on". Witherspoon and Kidman are pretty great actresses. Talent is so so so sexy. THANK YOU for listing Jessica Alba, though! So right! and Tom Cruise BARF!!!

May 20 10 - 3:25pm
summer

50-50 some on some off aaa

Aug 02 10 - 8:12pm
bruno4808

Why do lists like these always rag on conservatives and Christians? "Oh boo hoo. Morality ruins everything. Che Guevara rules." I'm so sick of this whole hedonistic mentality. Grow up and learn to deal you stupid liberal pricks.

Aug 10 10 - 9:34pm
Marsi

Good choices but I would probably shake up the list a bit - 1) Tom Cruise, 2) Jen Anniston (yet she seems likable enough)

Aug 26 10 - 5:56pm
Dee

Don't forget train wreck - fry pan in the face ugly Lindsay Lohan!

Aug 26 10 - 5:57pm
Ronna

Jennifer Aniston has the weirdest grin. Creepy!

Nov 30 10 - 2:06pm
Anonymouse

Reese Witherspoon, Jamie Foxx, Elisabeth Hasselbeck, the oldest Jonas Brother and Jennifer Aniston are unsexy because they are unattractive. No mystery there.

Jan 18 11 - 6:15pm
Mimi

I'm with Bruno. So you don't agree with someone's views...that doesn't make them unsexy. It just makes you as intolerant as you accuse them of being.

Apr 17 11 - 7:05am
lol

Nicole Kidman is originally American, not Australian.
Born in Hawaii...

Sep 28 11 - 11:44pm
Jules

Mimi nails it when she says you come off just as intolerant as the conservatives you are beating on. So by your own admission, that makes Nerve pretty unsexy. Lay off the bashing. We might not be able to all agree but surely we can all respect each other's freedom of opinion.

Sep 28 11 - 11:49pm
Snark

You know who should be on this list? Brad Pitt. For real. His voice is so yucky. Plus, nobody likes a cheater. He may have traded up unsexy Jenn for Angelina, but I wouldn't have him and I'm a housewife from nowhere!

Oct 03 11 - 2:37pm
Toni

As soon as i saw the title of this article, the first two names to pop into my head were tyra banks and paris hilton...prime examples! You forgot megan fox though. Maybe its just me, but I think she just tries too hard.

Jan 17 12 - 11:00pm
GD

Dude, you have issues, but you know that don't you?

Apr 26 12 - 1:51am
stinky

wait, are you implying that orlando bloom's acting in lord of the rings wasn't so bad it almost ruined the whole thing?

May 04 12 - 5:42pm
Name

Jessica alba??? You mad bro she is a complete sex god! She is a beauty!

Sep 09 12 - 6:39pm
Will

I always wonder what the people that write these articles look like. Surely they are hardly as attractive as the people they are putting down.