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July 7, 2009
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10) Ben Affleck You'd think a mid-career tryst with the world's most recognizable diva Latina would up your sexiness quotient. Not so, since the grotesquerie of Ben Affleck's stint with J.Lo is nigh on impossible to forget. The preening nastiness of the "Jenny on the Block" video was bad on its own — and, hey, Ben apologized for that — but there's no erasing Gigli from the historical record. There's no un-seeing Affleck grinning like a doof at Lopez's crotch as she beckons him forward. ("Gobble, gobble.") Once you've cleaned the bile from your chin though, the whole Bennifer thing is actually kind of sobering. Was Affleck's put-on boyishness that alluring back in the Good Will Hunting days? Does the fact that he's a competent, be-stubbled director make him more desirable today? No. Because the guy may be smart and decent, but his public persona is as sexless as a set of Barbie dolls. — J.C. |
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9) Elisabeth Hasselbeck The good-looking-but-insufferable Hasselbeck clawed her way into the public eye with a stint on Survivor: The Australian Outback. Unfortunately for us, she emerged from one bush to become a shrill shill for another on ABC's grating kaffeklatsch, The View. The staunchly conservative Phoebus to former co-host Rosie O'Donnell's liberal Quasimodo, Hasselbeck makes for queasily compelling television. Her lack of political credentials (Elisabeth supports her arguments with facts gleaned from the internet) may be forgivable on the national punchline that is daytime TV, but when the McCain-Palin campaign recruited her to introduce the ticket at election rallies last fall, even colleague Whoopi Goldberg raised a denuded eyebrow. A personality this grating is penis repellent, no matter how immaculate the attached golden locks. — B.G. |
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8) Paris Hilton For Paris, it must be nice to always know there's at least one person who thinks she's the most beautiful girl in the room. But if she took the afternoon away from the boutiques to come roll in your hay, would you have to reposition the mirrors so she could see herself the whole time? And when you click record on your Flip cam, would she even remember that you were there? Who is the party girl when the party finally ends? One of these days, she's going to need an identity, not just an Am Ex. Still, we have to hand it to her: no one does a better job of reminding us of all the coke in coquette. — J.H. |
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7) Leonardo DiCaprio Our mama always told us to be sexy as a man, you've got to be a man. So pretty-as-a-periwinkle Leo might always have that strike against him: his babyface might scream "Snuggle!" but it hardly says "Screw!" And those 'staches he keeps sporting aren't hiding it. Scorsese can keep casting him as a tough guy, but his fine avian features and squeaky voice make it clear he's got less testosterone than Amelie Mauresmo (though then again, so probably does this writer). If he develops some genuine rough around the edges and a few chest hairs, then we'll talk. — J.H. |
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6) Jessica Alba "Skinny little Nancy Callahan. She grew up. She filled out." So went the tagline on the movie posters for Sin City, the words positioned under a hip-swerving, midriff-baring Jessica Alba. Alba had been kicking around for awhile on the syndicated The New Adventures of Flipper and then as the star of James Cameron's short-lived Fox series Dark Angel. But it was her scantily-clad turn as Nancy, the stripper with a heart of gold (is there any other kind?) that made the middling actress an international sex symbol. But if talent is sexy, lack of talent is profoundly unsexy, and Alba's appeal has fizzled as her resume has grown. A series of duds (Good Luck Chuck, The Eye, The Love Guru) garnered her an astounding five Razzie nominations in four years, each unappetizing performance driving grown-up, filled-out Nancy Callahan farther from our minds and loins. — B.G. |
Commentarium (66 Comments)
mischa barton = "uncanny valley" HA
"Most useless article ever."
Whoever wrote that bit about Reese Witherspoon is a drooling idiot who has a filthy minger for a mom!
You know who was/is unsexy? That walking corpse MICHAEL JAKCSON!!!!!!
He's hardly a beautiful person.
Miachael Savage Weiner is unsexy AND a bigoted mongrel!
You hit the nail on the head until you reached the finale #1-3.
Oh come on, the Reese Witherspoon bit about the rainbows and the puppies was comic genious! Thannks for the giggle..
Fantastic. This was even better than the Sexiest Ugly People one, and that's hard to beat.
The uncanny valley comment was perfect.
Katie Holmes should be #21
I dunno about Keanu, he was really animated in "A Scanner Darkly" so he's on my sexy list, Leonardo is slowly aging into sexiness, and Nicole Kidman, well, she's tall, and a redhead, of course she's sexy, she's tall and a redhead!
Reese Witherspoon is SO sexy. You guys are crazy.
Gwyneth Paltrow was like the sexiest woman alive when she was in Iron Man. What a bunch of retards Nerve had working on this article.
@ PHM - really? sexy in iron man? or, emaciated? have you read GOOP? c'mon!
Not sure if I would call A-Rod "beautiful," but otherwise I thought this was pretty spot on!
What about Sarah Palin?!! Then again, all the porn knock-offs...guess people do want to screw her.
paris put the coke in coquette, i love it :)
Nicole Kidman is hot...
You had me till Leo. Sure leo used to be pretty boy but now hes a scruffy, tanned sexy beast.
I was about to say the same. Leo is sexy. Definitely doesn't say "screw", but that's part of his appeal. He's the type of guy you'd like to "devour".
Jessica Alba is still hot. But a lot of the others are spot on. And Sarah Palin? She is so objectionable in so many ways, but I would still throw my hotdog down that hallway.
Keanu Reeves unsexy? Sure, sure. Somebody here hasn't bloody watched "Point Break" enough times, and they should. Or maybe not. Not worthy.
hysterical stuff...you forgot sienna miller...she is all over the place but nobody in america knows who she is...
Beautifully scripted and spot on!
Some of these are way off, maybe every other one. I read it just to see how silly the writing could be. I was not disappointed. Nerve is circling the drain, or in the case of this article, the bowl..
You forgot Renee Zellweger
So much bullshit the rest is discredited.
Pity that Lindsay Lohan isn't on this list. Not many can pull off the 40-yr old truckstop hooker look at the tender age of 20-something.
@ RUF - Jessica Alba was hot for a minute, but now she just comes off as whiney . why doesn't she ever smile in the pictures with her kid? she's young, rich, pretty and has a beautiful child. she still looks like she just swallowed something bitter. SMILE dammit
@SLM - It's hard to imagine anything being hot about the "Prairie Home Companion" movie, but Lindsay in that cowboy hat, making up the lyrics to "Frankie and Johnny" (whether literally or from the script) as she went cranked up the wattage for even that NPR-family friendly silliness. And that train wreck life of hers...she begs to be rescued and ensconced in some sumptuous bedroom...Or maybe I'm too easily pleased.
Tom cruise not sexy????
What the fuck!!!
Did you saw MI:2????????
god dammit!
Lindsay used to be gorgeous. god those freckles..now, she's a raspy-voiced train wreck. poor girl. eat something, lay off the crazy...
i totally agree with every entry to this list. perfect. though i agree with the poster who said that you missed renee zellweger. i like some of these people, but sexy they aren't.
Have never read more weird article. You take a photo from an angle and can make Britney look sexless. Ask my dick to vote, I would say!!
@WAM.... must you be thinking you are a class? Methink you need your dick / cunt examined.
Orlando must be banned from ever making a movie again
I saw Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban in a shoe store in Nashville a few months ago. The were making out at the cash register. It was gross.
This list is pretty accurate and makes me feel better for drooling over "ugly" men who encompass unbelievable sexiness.
I completely agree with each entry on here. Well done, Nerve. I've often thought that beautiful does not equal sexy, though many other people seem to think so...simpletons, I say!
I have to disagree with you using the phrase "date-rapey" in regard to Jamie Foxx's video. I watched it, and there was nothing "date-rapey" about it. Have you heard of beer goggles? People get drunk, they choose to get drunk, and then they sometimes make decisions they later regret. Been there, done that, it wasn't rape. Or even close to it.
the fact that JESSICA effing ALBA is on this list speaks for itself. you can do better than this, nerve!
Agree with most. Disagree with Nicole Kidman, Gwenyth Paltrow, and Orlando Bloom. They're still sexy.
Completely AGREE with Jessica Alba. So overrated! She is not sexy.
Woah! Orlando Bloom? Are you serious?! I have to point out here that you are misunderstanding his career. I think he's apprenticing to be a leading man at this point. Of course he's gonna get out-sexied when he's standing next to the likes of Viggo, Brad, and Johnny. It's not his job to outshine those men yet, he's still an ingenue. If you'll pardon my running with this metaphor his job is to look unthreateningly pretty (the ass kicking elf role aside) and sing one song and then step aside and let the divas own the stage.
He'll get there...don't worry.
Oh, and please rewatch Elizabethtown!
"I make no apologies for still liking Shakespeare in Love" Um...I'm sorry, did I miss a public opinion memo, am I supposed to be sneering at this movie now? God forbid a sexy comedy about Shakespeare win an Oscar, right? Ridiculous
tem problema nao, as mulheres sao gostosas do mesmo jeiso....
I have to agree............the most ridiculous list I have ever seen. Who came up with this garbage??
Actually, The Matrix is my primary example for finding Keanu boring.
Pretty much everything on this list--in particular Jessica Alba--is spot-on!
rene zellwegger
yeah, the ugly sexy people list was way more "on". Witherspoon and Kidman are pretty great actresses. Talent is so so so sexy. THANK YOU for listing Jessica Alba, though! So right! and Tom Cruise BARF!!!
50-50 some on some off aaa
Why do lists like these always rag on conservatives and Christians? "Oh boo hoo. Morality ruins everything. Che Guevara rules." I'm so sick of this whole hedonistic mentality. Grow up and learn to deal you stupid liberal pricks.
Good choices but I would probably shake up the list a bit - 1) Tom Cruise, 2) Jen Anniston (yet she seems likable enough)
Don't forget train wreck - fry pan in the face ugly Lindsay Lohan!
Jennifer Aniston has the weirdest grin. Creepy!
Reese Witherspoon, Jamie Foxx, Elisabeth Hasselbeck, the oldest Jonas Brother and Jennifer Aniston are unsexy because they are unattractive. No mystery there.
I'm with Bruno. So you don't agree with someone's views...that doesn't make them unsexy. It just makes you as intolerant as you accuse them of being.
Nicole Kidman is originally American, not Australian.
Born in Hawaii...
Mimi nails it when she says you come off just as intolerant as the conservatives you are beating on. So by your own admission, that makes Nerve pretty unsexy. Lay off the bashing. We might not be able to all agree but surely we can all respect each other's freedom of opinion.
You know who should be on this list? Brad Pitt. For real. His voice is so yucky. Plus, nobody likes a cheater. He may have traded up unsexy Jenn for Angelina, but I wouldn't have him and I'm a housewife from nowhere!
As soon as i saw the title of this article, the first two names to pop into my head were tyra banks and paris hilton...prime examples! You forgot megan fox though. Maybe its just me, but I think she just tries too hard.
Dude, you have issues, but you know that don't you?
wait, are you implying that orlando bloom's acting in lord of the rings wasn't so bad it almost ruined the whole thing?
Jessica alba??? You mad bro she is a complete sex god! She is a beauty!
I always wonder what the people that write these articles look like. Surely they are hardly as attractive as the people they are putting down.