10) Ben Affleck
You'd think a mid-career tryst with the world's most recognizable diva Latina would up your sexiness quotient. Not so, since the grotesquerie of Ben Affleck's stint with J.Lo is nigh on impossible to forget. The preening nastiness of the "Jenny on the Block" video was bad on its own — and, hey, Ben apologized for that — but there's no erasing Gigli from the historical record. There's no un-seeing Affleck grinning like a doof at Lopez's crotch as she beckons him forward. ("Gobble, gobble.") Once you've cleaned the bile from your chin though, the whole Bennifer thing is actually kind of sobering. Was Affleck's put-on boyishness that alluring back in the Good Will Hunting days? Does the fact that he's a competent, be-stubbled director make him more desirable today? No. Because the guy may be smart and decent, but his public persona is as sexless as a set of Barbie dolls. — J.C.

9) Elisabeth Hasselbeck
The good-looking-but-insufferable Hasselbeck clawed her way into the public eye with a stint on Survivor: The Australian Outback. Unfortunately for us, she emerged from one bush to become a shrill shill for another on ABC's grating kaffeklatsch, The View. The staunchly conservative Phoebus to former co-host Rosie O'Donnell's liberal Quasimodo, Hasselbeck makes for queasily compelling television. Her lack of political credentials (Elisabeth supports her arguments with facts gleaned from the internet) may be forgivable on the national punchline that is daytime TV, but when the McCain-Palin campaign recruited her to introduce the ticket at election rallies last fall, even colleague Whoopi Goldberg raised a denuded eyebrow. A personality this grating is penis repellent, no matter how immaculate the attached golden locks. — B.G.

8) Paris Hilton
For Paris, it must be nice to always know there's at least one person who thinks she's the most beautiful girl in the room. But if she took the afternoon away from the boutiques to come roll in your hay, would you have to reposition the mirrors so she could see herself the whole time? And when you click record on your Flip cam, would she even remember that you were there? Who is the party girl when the party finally ends? One of these days, she's going to need an identity, not just an Am Ex. Still, we have to hand it to her: no one does a better job of reminding us of all the coke in coquette. — J.H.

7) Leonardo DiCaprio
Our mama always told us to be sexy as a man, you've got to be a man. So pretty-as-a-periwinkle Leo might always have that strike against him: his babyface might scream "Snuggle!" but it hardly says "Screw!" And those 'staches he keeps sporting aren't hiding it. Scorsese can keep casting him as a tough guy, but his fine avian features and squeaky voice make it clear he's got less testosterone than Amelie Mauresmo (though then again, so probably does this writer). If he develops some genuine rough around the edges and a few chest hairs, then we'll talk. — J.H.

6) Jessica Alba
"Skinny little Nancy Callahan. She grew up. She filled out." So went the tagline on the movie posters for Sin City, the words positioned under a hip-swerving, midriff-baring Jessica Alba. Alba had been kicking around for awhile on the syndicated The New Adventures of Flipper and then as the star of James Cameron's short-lived Fox series Dark Angel. But it was her scantily-clad turn as Nancy, the stripper with a heart of gold (is there any other kind?) that made the middling actress an international sex symbol. But if talent is sexy, lack of talent is profoundly unsexy, and Alba's appeal has fizzled as her resume has grown. A series of duds (Good Luck Chuck, The Eye, The Love Guru) garnered her an astounding five Razzie nominations in four years, each unappetizing performance driving grown-up, filled-out Nancy Callahan farther from our minds and loins. — B.G.

Commentarium (66 Comments)

Jul 07 09 - 11:35am
tel

mischa barton = "uncanny valley" HA

Jul 07 09 - 4:37pm
LOL

"Most useless article ever."

Jul 07 09 - 4:39pm
F.UN

Whoever wrote that bit about Reese Witherspoon is a drooling idiot who has a filthy minger for a mom!

Jul 07 09 - 4:40pm
FTW

You know who was/is unsexy? That walking corpse MICHAEL JAKCSON!!!!!!

Jun 28 11 - 6:42pm
Jacey

He's hardly a beautiful person.

Jul 07 09 - 4:42pm
666

Miachael Savage Weiner is unsexy AND a bigoted mongrel!

Jul 07 09 - 4:53pm
jgl

You hit the nail on the head until you reached the finale #1-3.

Jul 07 09 - 5:37pm
zb

Oh come on, the Reese Witherspoon bit about the rainbows and the puppies was comic genious! Thannks for the giggle..

Jul 07 09 - 7:24pm
CVK

Fantastic. This was even better than the Sexiest Ugly People one, and that's hard to beat.

Jul 07 09 - 9:38pm
KsZ

The uncanny valley comment was perfect.

Jul 07 09 - 9:47pm
KC

Katie Holmes should be #21

Jul 07 09 - 9:48pm
EMC

I dunno about Keanu, he was really animated in "A Scanner Darkly" so he's on my sexy list, Leonardo is slowly aging into sexiness, and Nicole Kidman, well, she's tall, and a redhead, of course she's sexy, she's tall and a redhead!

Jul 08 09 - 7:54am
PHM

Reese Witherspoon is SO sexy. You guys are crazy.

Jul 08 09 - 8:02am
PHM

Gwyneth Paltrow was like the sexiest woman alive when she was in Iron Man. What a bunch of retards Nerve had working on this article.

Jul 08 09 - 10:09am
SPB

@ PHM - really? sexy in iron man? or, emaciated? have you read GOOP? c'mon!

Jul 08 09 - 11:28am
KRM

Not sure if I would call A-Rod "beautiful," but otherwise I thought this was pretty spot on!

Jul 08 09 - 4:04pm
WLK

What about Sarah Palin?!! Then again, all the porn knock-offs...guess people do want to screw her.

Jul 08 09 - 4:10pm
rkg

paris put the coke in coquette, i love it :)

Jul 08 09 - 5:26pm
CNT

Nicole Kidman is hot...

Jul 10 09 - 12:38am
XO

You had me till Leo. Sure leo used to be pretty boy but now hes a scruffy, tanned sexy beast.

May 06 11 - 4:44pm
tina

I was about to say the same. Leo is sexy. Definitely doesn't say "screw", but that's part of his appeal. He's the type of guy you'd like to "devour".

Jul 09 09 - 4:24pm
RUF

Jessica Alba is still hot. But a lot of the others are spot on. And Sarah Palin? She is so objectionable in so many ways, but I would still throw my hotdog down that hallway.

Jul 09 09 - 4:26pm
GB

Keanu Reeves unsexy? Sure, sure. Somebody here hasn't bloody watched "Point Break" enough times, and they should. Or maybe not. Not worthy.

Jul 09 09 - 4:54pm
gcd

hysterical stuff...you forgot sienna miller...she is all over the place but nobody in america knows who she is...

Jul 09 09 - 5:08pm
WAM

Beautifully scripted and spot on!

Jul 09 09 - 8:22pm
spif

Some of these are way off, maybe every other one. I read it just to see how silly the writing could be. I was not disappointed. Nerve is circling the drain, or in the case of this article, the bowl..

Jul 09 09 - 11:18pm
EJM

You forgot Renee Zellweger

Jul 10 09 - 9:34am
PM

So much bullshit the rest is discredited.

Jul 10 09 - 9:51am
SLM

Pity that Lindsay Lohan isn't on this list. Not many can pull off the 40-yr old truckstop hooker look at the tender age of 20-something.

Jul 10 09 - 9:58am
KEL

@ RUF - Jessica Alba was hot for a minute, but now she just comes off as whiney . why doesn't she ever smile in the pictures with her kid? she's young, rich, pretty and has a beautiful child. she still looks like she just swallowed something bitter. SMILE dammit

Jul 10 09 - 11:03am
ew

@SLM - It's hard to imagine anything being hot about the "Prairie Home Companion" movie, but Lindsay in that cowboy hat, making up the lyrics to "Frankie and Johnny" (whether literally or from the script) as she went cranked up the wattage for even that NPR-family friendly silliness. And that train wreck life of hers...she begs to be rescued and ensconced in some sumptuous bedroom...Or maybe I'm too easily pleased.

Jul 10 09 - 2:01pm
AT

Tom cruise not sexy????
What the fuck!!!
Did you saw MI:2????????
god dammit!

Jul 10 09 - 3:35pm
ppp

Lindsay used to be gorgeous. god those freckles..now, she's a raspy-voiced train wreck. poor girl. eat something, lay off the crazy...

Jul 10 09 - 7:34pm
r

i totally agree with every entry to this list. perfect. though i agree with the poster who said that you missed renee zellweger. i like some of these people, but sexy they aren't.

Jul 11 09 - 4:52am
BS

Have never read more weird article. You take a photo from an angle and can make Britney look sexless. Ask my dick to vote, I would say!!

Jul 11 09 - 4:55am
BS

@WAM.... must you be thinking you are a class? Methink you need your dick / cunt examined.

Jul 11 09 - 8:10am
jazz

Orlando must be banned from ever making a movie again

Jul 12 09 - 12:30am
NB

I saw Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban in a shoe store in Nashville a few months ago. The were making out at the cash register. It was gross.

Jul 12 09 - 1:11pm
MR

This list is pretty accurate and makes me feel better for drooling over "ugly" men who encompass unbelievable sexiness.

Jul 14 09 - 7:41pm
LT

I completely agree with each entry on here. Well done, Nerve. I've often thought that beautiful does not equal sexy, though many other people seem to think so...simpletons, I say!

Jul 14 09 - 11:00pm
CEC

I have to disagree with you using the phrase "date-rapey" in regard to Jamie Foxx's video. I watched it, and there was nothing "date-rapey" about it. Have you heard of beer goggles? People get drunk, they choose to get drunk, and then they sometimes make decisions they later regret. Been there, done that, it wasn't rape. Or even close to it.

Jul 14 09 - 11:01pm
LC

the fact that JESSICA effing ALBA is on this list speaks for itself. you can do better than this, nerve!

Jul 20 09 - 1:35pm
RE

Agree with most. Disagree with Nicole Kidman, Gwenyth Paltrow, and Orlando Bloom. They're still sexy.

Completely AGREE with Jessica Alba. So overrated! She is not sexy.

Jul 30 09 - 9:00am
HH

Woah! Orlando Bloom? Are you serious?! I have to point out here that you are misunderstanding his career. I think he's apprenticing to be a leading man at this point. Of course he's gonna get out-sexied when he's standing next to the likes of Viggo, Brad, and Johnny. It's not his job to outshine those men yet, he's still an ingenue. If you'll pardon my running with this metaphor his job is to look unthreateningly pretty (the ass kicking elf role aside) and sing one song and then step aside and let the divas own the stage.

He'll get there...don't worry.

Oh, and please rewatch Elizabethtown!

Jul 30 09 - 9:08am
HH

"I make no apologies for still liking Shakespeare in Love" Um...I'm sorry, did I miss a public opinion memo, am I supposed to be sneering at this movie now? God forbid a sexy comedy about Shakespeare win an Oscar, right? Ridiculous

Sep 30 09 - 9:44pm
vilm

tem problema nao, as mulheres sao gostosas do mesmo jeiso....

Nov 01 09 - 5:19pm
MPS

I have to agree............the most ridiculous list I have ever seen. Who came up with this garbage??

Nov 06 09 - 5:32pm
KH

Actually, The Matrix is my primary example for finding Keanu boring.

Jan 03 10 - 1:39am
LY

Pretty much everything on this list--in particular Jessica Alba--is spot-on!

Apr 04 10 - 4:21pm
gg

rene zellwegger

May 14 10 - 4:09pm
sammyjune

yeah, the ugly sexy people list was way more "on". Witherspoon and Kidman are pretty great actresses. Talent is so so so sexy. THANK YOU for listing Jessica Alba, though! So right! and Tom Cruise BARF!!!

May 20 10 - 3:25pm
summer

50-50 some on some off aaa

Aug 02 10 - 8:12pm
bruno4808

Why do lists like these always rag on conservatives and Christians? "Oh boo hoo. Morality ruins everything. Che Guevara rules." I'm so sick of this whole hedonistic mentality. Grow up and learn to deal you stupid liberal pricks.

Aug 10 10 - 9:34pm
Marsi

Good choices but I would probably shake up the list a bit - 1) Tom Cruise, 2) Jen Anniston (yet she seems likable enough)

Aug 26 10 - 5:56pm
Dee

Don't forget train wreck - fry pan in the face ugly Lindsay Lohan!

Aug 26 10 - 5:57pm
Ronna

Jennifer Aniston has the weirdest grin. Creepy!

Nov 30 10 - 2:06pm
Anonymouse

Reese Witherspoon, Jamie Foxx, Elisabeth Hasselbeck, the oldest Jonas Brother and Jennifer Aniston are unsexy because they are unattractive. No mystery there.

Jan 18 11 - 6:15pm
Mimi

I'm with Bruno. So you don't agree with someone's views...that doesn't make them unsexy. It just makes you as intolerant as you accuse them of being.

Apr 17 11 - 7:05am
lol

Nicole Kidman is originally American, not Australian.
Born in Hawaii...

Sep 28 11 - 11:44pm
Jules

Mimi nails it when she says you come off just as intolerant as the conservatives you are beating on. So by your own admission, that makes Nerve pretty unsexy. Lay off the bashing. We might not be able to all agree but surely we can all respect each other's freedom of opinion.

Sep 28 11 - 11:49pm
Snark

You know who should be on this list? Brad Pitt. For real. His voice is so yucky. Plus, nobody likes a cheater. He may have traded up unsexy Jenn for Angelina, but I wouldn't have him and I'm a housewife from nowhere!

Oct 03 11 - 2:37pm
Toni

As soon as i saw the title of this article, the first two names to pop into my head were tyra banks and paris hilton...prime examples! You forgot megan fox though. Maybe its just me, but I think she just tries too hard.

Jan 17 12 - 11:00pm
GD

Dude, you have issues, but you know that don't you?

Apr 26 12 - 1:51am
stinky

wait, are you implying that orlando bloom's acting in lord of the rings wasn't so bad it almost ruined the whole thing?

May 04 12 - 5:42pm
Name

Jessica alba??? You mad bro she is a complete sex god! She is a beauty!

Sep 09 12 - 6:39pm
Will

I always wonder what the people that write these articles look like. Surely they are hardly as attractive as the people they are putting down.