Which World Cup Semi-Finalist Would Make the Best Boyfriend?

The four remaining teams, ranked by sexiness.
By Lindsay Cutler

It's not every day that four World Cup teams stand before me, all asking to be my boyfriends -- but that’s exactly what is happening now. I don't even know what to say! I wish I didn't have to choose; you're all amazing, handsome, talented teams and you all have very different things to offer. I would like to pick all of you - or at least two of you – but I can’t.  
 
I thought deeply about it. I wanted to be fair and honest but not overly practical. After all, this is an affair of the heart. Should I go with the team with the greatest GDP or the team that respects its mother the most?  It wasn't easy but I reached my decision. And then I ranked the rest of you, from least desirable to most desirable, just because. I hope you understand.

4. Spain

World Cup Spain

You were always a top dog, and I liked that. When it came to soccer, you were one of the countries that defined the sport. You're a high-profile team with big name players. But David Villa? Seriously: who the hell is David Villa? He's your striker and we've barely heard of him. Not every player can be a Ronaldo, but when your striker is less famous than Cameroon’s (and all they did was show up, take a nap, and leave), we have a problem. I like restaurants. I like eating in them. I would like a boyfriend who might be able to get me inside of one. 
 
In addition, you're always trotting around the same old offense players. I know offense is your game, but get some new blood in there! Some fresh legs! You missed a penalty kick in your match against Paraguay, and another one against Honduras. Penalty kicks, you know, the part of the game where the opposing team stands there and waits for you to shoot the ball into their goal? What am I supposed to tell my friends? "Oh, he's a great guy, never won the World Cup, missed two penalty kicks?" I'm sorry, but I just can't.

3. Netherlands

Klaas Jan Huntelaar - Netherlands

The whole time we just thought you were having a wildly lucky year: the Dutch beat Denmark! The Dutch beat Slovakia! The Dutch beat Brazil! You are on a world tour of beating teams we didn't think that you were better than! But it turns out you're like the quiet kid in class who went under the radar of most girls. Not this girl. But, like most quiet boys, once we started noticing you, you started acting cocky – always bringing up how you're a two-time World Cup finalist, trumping up your contributions to folklore, enough is ENOUGH, Netherlands.  
 
You're a solid performer; we're just not the right match. And anyway, after all those yellow cards last game, I'm not sure what type of guy you are anymore.

2. Germany

Age is not usually a problem. I care about people, you know? I don't care about whether most of you can drink in America, handsome soccer team full of young men. (I know, it’s very gracious of me.) That being said, I'm afraid of what all your mothers will think. What would they say if you started dating an older woman? 

I think we have a very special connection. When you're on the field running circles around men ten to fifteen years your senior, flipping in the air after goals, I can only think one thing: "We have a very special connection." Also, you crush your opponents without mercy, which is cool.

You're incredibly talented and ambitious but I know we're at two different stages in life. I'm thinking about marriage and you're trying to win the World Cup. I'm sorry. I can't choose you. But I'll give you a call if it doesn't work out between me and Uruguay.

1. Uruguay

Diego Forlan - Uruguay

I like a smart boyfriend: a boyfriend that knows how to conduct himself in different environments, engage in conversation, not miss penalty kicks. Which is why I resented it when some jerk on SportsCenter said that a great goal-kicker "almost shouldn't have the capacity" to understand the gravity of the situation, blah blah blah. I say he's jealous because you won the World Cup twice and he talks about different sports for one minute while a clock runs down. 
 
When Diego Forlan (who is beautiful) ushered in the win against Ghana, I knew something was right. Uruguay, you may have single-handedly ousted Africa from the glory they so desperately needed and deserved this Cup - but hooray! You won. 
 
You've been the underdog throughout the whole process. You have no big name players, you're all just an incredibly powerful and gifted team. And while I said celebrity was important to Spain, it's not. I just wanted to get rid of them. So that's it. I pick you, Uruguay. You're handsome, gifted, smart, humble and age-appropriate. So get out there and beat the Netherlands; our relationship depends on it. [Editor's note: They lost. And broke our hearts.]

Commentarium (22 Comments)

Jul 06 10 - 1:08pm
MissHayden

Mmm mmm Uruguay. You're going to make a wonderful boytoy... I mean, boyfriend

Jul 06 10 - 1:20pm
David

So you like cheaters? Good luck with those handballs.

Jul 06 10 - 1:59pm
Name

It's obvious that Spain is the winner. No competition at all. AT ALL.

Jul 06 10 - 2:26pm
Elizabeth

Can I just say... I am thrilled at how much coverage you've given the World Cup. It's not even that much but compared to all the other ignorant Americans out there, you have recognized the sport for what it is... a difficult and brilliant-to-watch sporting feat, as well as a worldwide party. Thank you Nerve.com

Jul 06 10 - 3:02pm
wc?

Yes, but which Nerve writer would any of these teams actually date? Just sayin'...

Jul 06 10 - 3:05pm
ss

this is funny. I liked it

Jul 06 10 - 3:05pm
Rebs

Ok, agree on Forlan... but what happened to Casillas??? The goalkeeper from Spain? He is gorgeous!

Jul 06 10 - 4:45pm
docsoc

wow, you do not recognize David Villa's name and want to write something about football? You also thought Denmark and Slovakia were teams that the Dutch COULDN'T beat?! Tsk Tsk... you know nothing about football.

Jul 06 10 - 6:23pm
krs

I know this isn't really about the World Cup, but just because it's intended to be cute doesn't mean it shouldn't be accurate. Spain only missed one penalty kick against Paraguay, Denmark's only upset was against Brazil, and Barcelona just paid something like 50 million euros for David Villa, because he's a superstar. Mistakes are one thing, but I feel like you guys didn't even try.

Jul 06 10 - 8:34pm
El Principe Azul

With all due respect, you must be like this article: cute, but clueless, and therefore useless. You couldn't recognize soul and depth of character if it took a penalty shot against you.

Jul 06 10 - 11:36pm
Sarah

I don't blame you for ranking Uruguay at number one, but Spain at fourth? Give me a break. You clearly mistook Villa's utter talent and forgot to mention how absolutely beautiful the rest of the team is. Torres, Fabregas, Alonso, Casillas? Your stats are inaccurate and you need to get your eyes checked... asap. For the above reasons (and many, many more), I didn't appreciate this article much.

Jul 07 10 - 3:20am
Em

You should google Alexandros Tzorvas, the Greek goalkeeper. He's YUM! Not a bad goalkeeper either.

Jul 07 10 - 4:19am
Name

By Cameroon, i assume you mean Ivory Coast and Drogba. Not all of Africa is one country

Jul 07 10 - 4:46am
Villa1

Bimboella, if Villa took you to a restaurant, he could get you in. But then the paparazzi might be asking why he went out with his aunt....

Jul 07 10 - 8:28am
Riff

Besides calling it "soccer", I can tell you're an American because you haven't heard of David Villa. I suppose you're just riding the sudden wave of popularity "soccer" has enjoyed in the US thanks to the US team doing alright at the World Cup.
Not to mention Spain has some of the biggest football stars in the world: Torres, Xavi, Iniesta, to name a few.

Please inform yourself of football before you write an article trying so very hard to be cute but just ends up sounding vapid.

Oh, and I'm American too, living abroad. Please stop making it harder for people around the world to take Americans seriously.

Jul 07 10 - 1:00pm
Jakes

ITS A JOOOOOOKE. Jesus. If lack of knowledge about the Spanish football team keeps people from "taking Americans seriously" then fuck them.

Jul 07 10 - 1:53pm
gina

I'm a Spanish reader and I absolutely love that there's so many people out there supporting Spain, if only for our hot players.
I hope we win tonight!

Jul 07 10 - 5:06pm
ursula

A write-in here for Fernando Torres. I just like saying his name.......Fernando Torres, Fernando Torres. Sexy. He's hot. He's hot with blond hair, brown hair, no hair. I would eat him with a fox. I would eat him in a box. Oops...too far :-)

Jul 08 10 - 5:47pm
Dr. X

Nerve, a Stuff-White-People-Like paradise, HAD to pick Uruguay here... they're just conforming to the classic laws that govern the SWPL universe. Picking any of the other teams would be uncool. And the author's total lack of knowledge on the subject wasn't going to get in her way.

Jul 08 10 - 9:58pm
blitzen

Yeah, they know who Diego Forlan is, but not David Villa, one of the best strikers in the world? Who has had European and Premier League teams squabbling over who will buy him for last few years? Not to mention gorgeous Torres, sexy Casillas, hot Fabregas, and even buff Puyol? Spain can be my boyfriend any day!

Jul 10 10 - 10:35am
zhariff

you got yourself 2 sexy baldies if you go for Holland..

Jul 11 10 - 5:26pm
dude

so u like to predict to order of the winners in reverse 1 spain 2 netherlands 3 germany 4 uruguay ..... odd