The four remaining teams, ranked by sexiness.
It’s not every day that four World Cup teams stand before me, all asking to be my boyfriends — but that’s exactly what is happening now. I don’t even know what to say! I wish I didn’t have to choose; you’re all amazing, handsome, talented teams and you all have very different things to offer. I would like to pick all of you – or at least two of you – but I can’t.
I thought deeply about it. I wanted to be fair and honest but not overly practical. After all, this is an affair of the heart. Should I go with the team with the greatest GDP or the team that respects its mother the most? It wasn’t easy but I reached my decision. And then I ranked the rest of you, from least desirable to most desirable, just because. I hope you understand.
You were always a top dog, and I liked that. When it came to soccer, you were one of the countries that defined the sport. You’re a high-profile team with big name players. But David Villa? Seriously: who the hell is David Villa? He’s your striker and we’ve barely heard of him. Not every player can be a Ronaldo, but when your striker is less famous than Cameroon’s (and all they did was show up, take a nap, and leave), we have a problem. I like restaurants. I like eating in them. I would like a boyfriend who might be able to get me inside of one.
In addition, you’re always trotting around the same old offense players. I know offense is your game, but get some new blood in there! Some fresh legs! You missed a penalty kick in your match against Paraguay, and another one against Honduras. Penalty kicks, you know, the part of the game where the opposing team stands there and waits for you to shoot the ball into their goal? What am I supposed to tell my friends? "Oh, he’s a great guy, never won the World Cup, missed two penalty kicks?" I’m sorry, but I just can’t.
The whole time we just thought you were having a wildly lucky year: the Dutch beat Denmark! The Dutch beat Slovakia! The Dutch beat Brazil! You are on a world tour of beating teams we didn’t think that you were better than! But it turns out you’re like the quiet kid in class who went under the radar of most girls. Not this girl. But, like most quiet boys, once we started noticing you, you started acting cocky – always bringing up how you’re a two-time World Cup finalist, trumping up your contributions to folklore, enough is ENOUGH, Netherlands.
You’re a solid performer; we’re just not the right match. And anyway, after all those yellow cards last game, I’m not sure what type of guy you are anymore.
Age is not usually a problem. I care about people, you know? I don’t care about whether most of you can drink in America, handsome soccer team full of young men. (I know, it’s very gracious of me.) That being said, I’m afraid of what all your mothers will think. What would they say if you started dating an older woman?
I think we have a very special connection. When you’re on the field running circles around men ten to fifteen years your senior, flipping in the air after goals, I can only think one thing: "We have a very special connection." Also, you crush your opponents without mercy, which is cool.
You’re incredibly talented and ambitious but I know we’re at two different stages in life. I’m thinking about marriage and you’re trying to win the World Cup. I’m sorry. I can’t choose you. But I’ll give you a call if it doesn’t work out between me and Uruguay.
I like a smart boyfriend: a boyfriend that knows how to conduct himself in different environments, engage in conversation, not miss penalty kicks. Which is why I resented it when some jerk on SportsCenter said that a great goal-kicker "almost shouldn’t have the capacity" to understand the gravity of the situation, blah blah blah. I say he’s jealous because you won the World Cup twice and he talks about different sports for one minute while a clock runs down.
When Diego Forlan (who is beautiful) ushered in the win against Ghana, I knew something was right. Uruguay, you may have single-handedly ousted Africa from the glory they so desperately needed and deserved this Cup – but hooray! You won.
You’ve been the underdog throughout the whole process. You have no big name players, you’re all just an incredibly powerful and gifted team. And while I said celebrity was important to Spain, it’s not. I just wanted to get rid of them. So that’s it. I pick you, Uruguay. You’re handsome, gifted, smart, humble and age-appropriate. So get out there and beat the Netherlands; our relationship depends on it. [Editor’s note: They lost. And broke our hearts.]