Alan: This crush did not grow from Felicity but just about every other film/TV show/interview she’s been in. I find her absolutely stunning and she seems like the kind of woman I could spend the rest of my life with. She seems like a good mother, has a laugh that sets my bone to concrete, and has excellent white-woman fashion sense which is somehow a cringey zone for me? Like, Gwyneth Paltrow, WASPy, middle aged women? So vanilla. But maybe that stems from growing up so removed from that type that it feels ~exotique~.
Christine: This is one of your longest-standing/most vocal crushes, and I’ve always been like, “What the fuck ever,” because she seems like such a human nap as a public figure, but I recently watched a clip of her in an interview context and actually really understood her beauty for the first time. She was talking about how she and her husband built a homemade hockey rink for their kids in the back yard of their Brooklyn brownstone, and she was laughing and wearing some cool leather jeans during it, and I was like, “Okay.” She is the dream high school girlfriend personality-wise (down-ass, goofy, but beautiful at the end of the day), but now she has grown up and continued living the dream and being wonderful. That must be a very comfy, rewarding crush to have. Also, I can be an LLBean-y, air-dried-hair kind of lady, so the vanillaness makes a wormy part of my brain go, “Oh good, maybe I am pretty to him most of the time too, probably, also.”
Alan: I have probably told this story to every single person I know more than twice while drunk, but when I was a young boy I had a subscription to Empire Magazine (which I don’t think exists anymore? It was about movies/Hollywood) and there was a black and white full page photo of her for an interview and I was skyrocketed into puberty at that moment. I honestly think that was my first erection. She was so fucking gorgeous to me. I tore it out and pinned it to the wall above my desk.
Christine: I had a professor who was obsessed with the movie Atlantic City, so we watched it like four times one semester my junior year of college. The opening scene is young Sarandon cutting up lemons and sensuously rubbing them on her skin while wearing a tank top, and I very clearly remember it being the first time that I realized, “God damn, Susan Sarandon has some huge naturals.” Like, truly exemplary breasts. I fully support this crush in all of its potential iterations. Sarandon4ever.
Alan: Have you seen this woman? She is immaculate. I think this came about from ATL, which is a really good movie. It’s got Big Boi in it! I wish she was doing more stuff these days, primarily grinding on my face, and I am pretty good about forgetting that she bore a child from the human Antz character that is Lil Wayne.
Christine: I’m not familiar with her work, but a Google image search supports the fact that she is symmetrical and dedicated to long, flowing mermaid curls. Fine crush, basic crush. Points to her for only boning Wayne, too. You don’t marry Wayne.
Agent Dana Scully
Alan: I connected hard with Mulder growing up, believed in aliens and all that, thought I was going to try to join the FBI for a very long time. So Scully was an easy connection. And redheads have always earned extra points for me. Even as a young boy I felt I needed her opposite balance, for her to keep me grounded while keeping my peeps lifted. She also has a weird kind of subtle slur in her speech that really gets me going. Like, what is attraction?
Christine: Think it’s cool to have a fair-skinned lady so high in the ranks – and especially a fair-skinned lady this committed to conservative necklines, tweed, and cold-ass logic. Also, solid foresight from Yung Alan on needing a yin to your yang, ya know? Very thoughtful crush. A+. Good work.
Alan: “Alli. With an ‘I’.” Elisabeth Shue first rocked my world in Karate Kid. She was 23 but played a 16 year old and I identified with Daniel very much. I was a little shit who got his ass kicked pretty often and he delivers some pretty classic lines about class differences (what a theme here!) like, “Oh yeah, I’m from Reseda, you’re from the hills, that’s how we’re different.” But she loved him anyway! And then later I def jerked it to the waterfall sex scene in Cocktail and basically I just want to kiss her a lot and touch her butt, play with her hair, you know, all the stuff that I assume people do in sex meetings.
Christine: Any chick who can wear a tank-style hooded sweatshirt and still come off as The Babe in a film is fine by me, though I never remember her being particularly cool at any point. Granted, I’ve only seen Karate Kid once and long ago, but in my head she was just Girl Who Is Arbitrarily Deemed Babely At This High School So We Will Fight Over Her Even Though She’s Pretty Fucking Boring. To each his own favorite set of teased blonde bangs.
Lana Del Rey
Alan: Lololol you think I’m trolling you with this one but she reallllllyyyyy gets my engine ejaculating. Her lips are a bit wonky from certain angles sometimes but I’m an actual goblin so who the fuck am I to judge? She’s got great hair, a great body, and her whole faux-golden age of cinema/glitz-noir/chain smoking/i’m-a-sexy-brooding-baby thing really does it for me. Don’t care if it’s fake. And her freakishly long hands are very attractive and maybe that comes from my obsession with E.T. but I def want those salad fingers wrapped around my arm as we stroll through fucktown.
Christine: You’re right! I am like 98 percent sure that this crush – or at least its magnitude – has been designed exclusively to troll me. The cause of my distaste for her is so difficult to put a finger on, but knowing that I’m in a bracket with her, even if the bracket is just, “People who are appealing to Alan Hanson,” is gross to me. Net-net of this one is that I don’t like her schtick/aesthetic and I worry that pretty much everything she chooses to represent is damaging to women and girls at worst, and lazy/played the fuck out at best. Hehe!
Joshua Jackson as Pacey Witter
Christine: He was a scamp and he was sarcastic and he hateloved everyone in Capeside just like I did (Shut up, already, Joey and Dawson! Die in the river already, Abby!). With the exception of his relationship with Andie and the weird hate speech-y banter he had with his gay cop brother Doug (which was clearly Kevin Williamson sorting some shit out), he had the most solid point of view of anyone in that town and was endearing as fuck about his shortcomings. He refurbished a sailboat! And painted a love mural! And wore Hawaiian shirts! If sitting in matching hammocks and reading aloud to one another on your teen romance sailboat wasn’t your dream in 1998-2003, then I don’t want to know you.
Alan: Dawson’s Creek never popped off for me. I remember crushing on Katie Holmes pretty hard from the handful of episodes I saw and Disturbing Behavior, though. But yeah, I think Joshua Jackson is a fine choice here, he’s funny and wry and ~over it all~, which I can definitely vibe with and also his hatelove for the flavor of WASP. Casual, comfortable. Solid crush.
Christine: He was from my region and is a very talented guitarist and good with words. I followed his tour blog, was very familiar with the names and web personalities of his road team, and started watching 24 because he wrote a blog post about how he was watching 24 on his tour bus. I somehow found a way to ignore a lot of his more terrible traits, and they’ve worked their way into my opinion of him in my adult years, but to 17 year old me this was peak crush capacity. This also still stands as the only actual celebrity crush I’ve had that was on the person himself instead of the character they played. Like, actively Googling trying to learn what his high school study abroad trip to Japan was like. Playing Heavier Things in my ‘93 Camry and knowing that no one in my high school got it, man.
Alan: This man is disgusting. OK sure, he’s a talented guitarist (wordsmith, though? Get the fuck out of town) but so are one million other shitty dudes on this planet. I guess he’s pretty tall and conventionally fine looking? I don’t know. I just don’t get it. He seems so slimy and plastic-poetry-to-get-yr-pants-off to me. I just imagine him burning patchouli and noodling on his guitar with his shoes off, eyes half closed, really feeling it, totally getting rock hard off his own fumes. Also 24 sucks.
Christine: This started out as a crush on the Mr. Darcy from Joe Wright’s feature-length version of Pride and Prejudice (played by Matthew Macfadyen), but then evolved to also include the literary version. Colin Firth as Mr. Darcy does not matter and is irrelevant. In high school I had a notebook for English class that had “I <3 MR DARCY” written on it like he was a Backstreet Boy. Perhaps unsurprisingly, my first kiss didn’t happen until a very late age.
Alan: This is something I can get behind. I was never into books like this and didn’t see the movie until recently and it’s all very looking-out-a-window-rather-than-saying-how-you’re-feeling which puts me right to sleep, but I think it’s pretty cute that you crushed hard on this literary character and it’s very high school of you to write his name on your belongings and think, “He’s not a dick, he’s just shy!” or whatever straight nerd white girls are into in AP English.
Trent Lane from Daria
Christine: I’ve long had an attraction to simplistic, solid armband tattoos on floaty dudes who are conceptually attractive but practically/interpersonally nightmarish (a la Brandon Boyd), so Trent was the pretend, accessible version of the type of aggressive yoga burnout who would have that kind of bodyart. Fourth grade me was very, very on board.
Alan: Trent was very cool despite his horrible style. Like, being attracted to his attitude and slackerdom is fine with me. Wanting to bone an extra in a Godsmack video on the other hand, not so much. But I get what you’re saying. I think he may be the only version of said type to transcend its pukeable qualities that I know of. I hope you two live happily ever after in a Venice Beach bungalow close enough to a raw vegan market and far enough away from me.
Christine: The beard. The body. The car up the butthole. I wanted to be friends with all the CKY dudes without having to act like/be one of their sidekick-y goth girlfriends, and Ryan was my shooting star.
Alan: Yep, yep, yep. During CKY Dunn was my favorite too, or maybe Brandon DiCamillo because of his infinity weirdness, but all my friends who admired Bam could fuck right off. Basically, great choice. Very funny guy, seemed down to earth and had a comfortable style that didn’t seem to try too hard, unlike anyone with a HIM tattoo. This crush also makes me feel kind of good because I feel better about my immature humor and antics sometimes. If you can get down with the CKY dudes then I can get away with a whole lot of farting.
John Goodman as Dan Conner
Christine: This man! This man! He loves his family, he loves Roseanne, and sometimes he’s a stick in the mud, and sometimes he’s stressed about bills, but at the end of the day you know he’ll still be there to smoke with you when you find some secret weed in a Ziploc in the back of your dresser drawer. Plus, all those flannels looked buttery as fuck. SnuggleDad247.
P.S. Fuck John Mayer.