This is the latest installment of Bad Advice with Bad Barrington. If you’ve got a question for Bad send it to email@example.com.
When my new girlfriend and I started going out, she said she wanted to wait a while before having sex. That was totally cool with me. She’s an amazing person and definitely worth the wait. So we waited for about 3 months, but now when we try to have sex—I can’t keep it up! I’m ok during foreplay or when I masturbate, but for some reason when I’m ready to go for the win, there’s no success. Help me Bad!
—No Success in Sacramento
Dear NO SUCCESS,
Clearly the problem is not in the 6 inches between your legs, but the 6 inches between your ears. If this where a medical deficiency, you’d have a clear solution—go to your doctor and load up on some blue pills. But this is a psychological problem, one that gets deeper and more severe every time you and your girlfriend try to have sex. It’s good that you’ve reached out to me now, when you dick is only mostly dead, not all dead, as Miracle Max would say.
In your head, you’re treating sex with your girlfriend like it’s the Super Bowl. That, in itself, isn’t a problem, unless you’re including millions of viewers and a shitty halftime extravaganza into the mix. Pressure is not something to avoid. It heightens the experience! The problem is that you’re not getting yourself properly motivated to deal with that pressure.
Here’s some guidelines to follow before, during, and after sex that will guarantee a successful (and dare I say pleasurable!) performance.
Before: DO THE RAY LEWIS.
You need to get psyched. And I don’t mean excited. I mean PSYCHED! Crow up to the ceiling. Beat your chest. Do a signature move that you make up (mine is spinning a lasso and then pretending to rope and brand a calf). Burst into the bedroom to loud music of your choice (mine is Neil Diamond’s Coming to America). Pipe in crowd noise if you have the right stereo setup. The best thing you can do, however, is shout out “This is my house!” as you stomp around the room. I like to also point out other things that are mine—“this is my duvet cover,” “this is my copy of Song of Ice and Fire,” “this is Tempur-Pedic pillow.” Do this even if you’re at her house.
During: DO THE BILL BELICHICK.
During the act, the most important thing is for you to stay focused. One thought about that weird interaction with that hot secretary at work—the one where she said, “Good luck in your meeting!” and you said, “You too!” like an idiot—could send blood rushing to places that you don’t want blood rushing to at that particular moment. The best way to stay focused is to yell, “Do your job! Just do your job!” at your penis. Shout it over and over again. It also helps to have a vibrator or some other apparatus in your nightstand and threaten to bring in backup if your penis doesn’t get the job done.
After: THANK GOD.
Once the act is successfully completed, it’s important to take a moment to thank God for giving you the natural talent to accomplish this goal. Be humble and grateful. You can also feel free to thank Bad Barrington, but that is entirely up to you.
Take Bad’s advice, you’ll never regret it—