In 2005, Neil Strauss revealed the mystery of pickup artists to the world with his book The Game. Last year, Mystery, took things further with The Pick-Up Artist, a show pitting socially hopeless men against each other as he trained them in the ways of manipulation and seduction. This month, Bravo got into the act, giving Millionaire Club owner Patti Stanger her own reality TV show: The Millionaire Matchmaker.
But do these shows provide any practical insight into how to make a good first impression? Not according to Shula Melamed, whose company, First Impressions, provides consulting services for both business and dating. Instead of providing a treasure map to guaranteed booty, Melamed meets her clients for one-on-one faux dates and analyzes her findings.
In a conversation with Nerve, Ms. Melamed shares her own secrets for successful dating, including parallels to the business world, the importance of sincere flattery, and the necessity of just chilling out. — Steph Auteri
How did you get into this line of work?
Ann Demarais, a cognitive psychologist and the founder of First Impressions, contacted me at the suggestion of a friend of mine, who knew I had experience in the dating industry and was getting my master's degree in psychology. I used to do consultations back when I was working with a matchmaker. She contacted me and auditioned me with her friend; I went out on a date and he reviewed me, and it was good!
These consultation dates — how do they usually unfold?
We meet up, and we don't talk about the fact that we're on this "date." We have a regular date, maybe two hours. I grade the date. I give them a self-evaluation, where they can tell me how they think they did and were they comfortable, and then I tell them how I think they did. Did they let me speak? Did they go off on tangents? Did they do this? Did they do that? How did they handle a pause in conversation? I'll inject pauses purposely.
People ask me, "why is it that every time I go out with someone, this happens?" One guy asked, "why is that every time I go out with someone, I feel as if their eyes just glaze over?" And I went out with him and he was a totally nice guy, good-looking, had a great job, had interesting hobbies, but he was so completely terrified of a break in conversation that he would bring up a topic that was kind of interesting and then run it directly through the wall. If he was on a date with a woman who was insecure, she would think that this guy didn't care what she had to say.
It seems that it would be exceptionally difficult to be yourself on a date where you are, literally, being judged.
I pay attention to certain cues. If they sit down and their speech is rapid, they're moving around, it might be magnified by the fact that they're facing an evaluation. When we get to the evaluation section, I ask them how they think they did, and how they usually behave on dates. We have a meta-conversation about the date that they sort of lose themselves in.
Commentarium (5 Comments)
Is that the whole interview? If your intro talks about how two television shows provide no practical information, I expect the interview to go beyond the first day of psych 101. Give us some insight.
Cognitive psychology. Dating. Do the insecurities ever arise during initial contacts with clients about why they are contacting you? Like the old fella in the video store...they're for a friend! What? Why! I can relate to "the pause" aspect of conversation. Definietlydetermines alot I would think. I feel like an ass bringing this up being I'm assuming yer clinical, butt, my ego told me that structured dating leads to bad sex.
As someone who knows both sides of the coin I can tell you that this is only partially true.
The advice and tips given by people such as Neil Strauss and Mystery serve only and I do mean ONLY to create attraction and create it fast. Anything that you choose to do after that is your business.
The guys on that show or who read that book have no clue how to even approach women. They don't get asked out on dates or ask others out on dates due to their own personal insecurities. Insecurities which Mystery helps them overcome.
Actual dates are a completely different situation. Those require a different set of skills and put you in a different setting. At that point, you know the other person is attracted to you, otherwise they would not have agreed to go on the date. Thus, actual conversation skills are required. At that point, yes, it is necessary to chill out and just be yourself.
But as far as initially attracting a woman, "just being yourself" is a go to phrase that people say when they have no better advice to give.
So this woman gets paid to go on 2hr dates. Can you say scam artist.
The interviewee, Ms Mealmed, is the biggest scam artist around. Her only real credentials is her ability to latch on to the fringes of some glorified institutions and then sell it as though it is a real position. Most of her work is volunteer work for schools. No one has ever hired or paid her to anything. Her "work"/affiliation with Columbia University is volunteer and came about because she is sleeping with one of the Professors, Michael Morris, who lets her drag around on his coatails. Most of what she claims to be is her just hopinf for aself-fulfilling prophecy.
Now you say something