One reply to that H-Date query, "What are your chances with a non-herpster?" generated this blunt response: "THERE ARE NO CHANCES WITH A NON-HERPSTER." (For his part, A.J. thinks the chances are pretty good. "Having allergies affects my life more than herpes does. I have never been rejected because of herpes. One guy I told said, 'Okay, great. Now can we go get pizza?'")

There's also the danger that misconception can lead to additional infection. Epidemiologically speaking, just because you can skip The Talk doesn't necessarily mean you can toss the condoms. Two HPV-positive partners still need to talk about which of the numerous strains each of them carries; if they're not careful, one of them could wind up contracting something new. "Forgoing condoms because a couple is already infected with one STD will not protect from others," says Dr. Klausner of the San Francisco Department of Public Health. Fortunately, as common as herpes is, transmission is relatively rare under certain easily met conditions (anti-viral meds, condoms, no sex during outbreaks). 

But perhaps the most mundane danger of using STI dating sites exclusively is not meeting anyone at all — at least, no one near your zip code. "Some people will be rejected because of their STI — that's reality," says Terri Warren, a registered nurse and medical advisor for MPwH.com. "But you're really narrowing the pool when you're looking for someone who will both like your characteristics and tolerate your herpes. You can be mad at society for putting you in this 'inferior' category, but you have to be careful not to do the same thing to yourself."

To be fair, nowhere do these sites explicitly tell users that intra-STI dating is — or should be — their only option. Instead, they offer a "friendly place where a 'private issue' becomes a non-issue," says Matthews. "When someone walks into the chess club meeting in high school, they don't have to say, 'Hey, I'm interested in chess.' In the same way, MPwH sets up the common ground. Instead of providing a 'stigma-free zone,' we focus on showing people that they're not unusual or bad because they have a virus. Ninety percent of the discussion on our message boards is identical to what you'd see on a mainstream site — what do men think, what do women think, and other water-cooler conversations. People tell us all the time that herpes was the best thing that happened to them, because of the people they've met on MPwH."

For this reason, Terri Warren thinks STI dating services are ideal for newbies. "It can be very useful to put a profile in a place like MPwH.com when you're still pretty fragile," she says. "But the longer you have herpes, the less focused you are on that as the characteristic that defines you. And then maybe you begin to date a wider range of people. I see it as a great way to build up your nerve and then step back into the general population."

"If everyone chose a dating site based on their 'issue' or 'shortcoming', can you imagine how ridiculous the online-dating world would be?"

It's also worth debunking a final stereotype: not every STI sufferer is hunched miserably over a computer bemoaning his or her fate. For everyone with a string of rejection horror stories or a history of twice-shy celibacy, there's someone with a healthy dose of antiviral perspective (someone like the numerous people I interviewed for this article who shrugged and said "yes" when asked if I could identify them by their full name).

Or someone like Melanie, thirty-nine, of Nashville: "If every person felt like they had to choose a dating site based on their 'issue' or shortcoming, can you imagine how ridiculous the online dating world would be?" she says. "It's silly to think that people with low credit scores would be ushered to the 'bad-credit dating site,' or folks in recovery to the 'former-addict dating site.'"

Melanie uses mainstream dating sites, where, she notes, she's probably a much "safer" bet than people who say they're disease-free but don't get regular, comprehensive STI tests. "Bottom line: dating with an STD is not a big deal," she says. "At my age and with my life experience, herpes is nothing compared to relationship killers like debt, train-wreck ex-wives, infidelities, addictions and man boobs."  n°