The 20 Unsexiest Beautiful People - Nerve.com

As our list of the twenty sexiest ugly people proved last month, sexiness comes from an intangible place. Some people just plain got it. And some don't, even when they fit every textbook definition we have for beauty (symmetry, health, cheekbones). Here are our picks for the world's unsexiest beautiful people — a shapely gang of cold fish for whom beauty is, sadly, only skin-deep.

20) Kobe Bryant
Dear Kobe: You're about as beautiful as any man on the planet — except when you make that evil-gerbil face that you practiced in the mirror before the playoffs and which tells us much, much more than we want to know about your inner self. Just stick to the fist pump you stole from MJ. And, sure, you never got convicted for the rape charge in Colorado, but Mrs. Bryant can't have been too happy about that one. There's a big difference between being able to sleep with any woman on the planet and thinking you should be able to sleep with any woman on the planet. You're supposed to be such a clutch closer, but sometimes, friend, your best attempt is just not going to go in. — Jack Harrison

19) Carrie Prejean
Not since Miss South Carolina decried Americans' insufficient access to, "like, maps" has a beauty queen prompted such national soul-searching. Prejean was California's representative in this year's Miss USA pageant. Asked about gay marriage, megawatt smile and Stepford stare firmly in place, she blabbered about freedom of choice before voicing her preference for hetero, or "opposite marriage." "No offense... but that's how I was raised," she explained. Leaving aside the hypocrisy of her holier-than-thou stance (topless photos were quick to surface), intolerance just ain't sexy. Then, in the wake of the ensuing national scandal, publicity-shy ethicist Donald Trump rallied to Prejean's defense. Once Trump's involved, it's time to pack up your genitals. — Billy Gray

18) Mischa Barton
When The O.C. premiered, our initial reaction was, "The CGI budget for the show must be huge!" We later realized that this special effect was actually Mischa Barton, a (purported) human being, and not a collection of high-definition renders. And while she tried her hardest to inspire something like arousal — making out with other pretty girls, landing a role as a model in a new CW show, achieving independent motion — our first impression stuck, and so Barton will always remain just a little bit too uncanny valley for our liking. — James Brady Ryan

17) Alex Rodriguez
Projected to be the greatest baseball player ever (but recently sludged in a steroid scandal), the New York-born, Dominican-American of African descent has the ripped athlete's bod, Frappuccino skin-tone, and purple lips of so many daydream fantasies. Wait, purple lips? What's up with that? Yeah, dude's got lavender kissers all right — lord knows why; maybe circulation problems? And lack of blood flow is actually what lands him on this list: the real reason this prettyboy ain't so sexy is the lukewarm diffidence he brings to all things (despite making twenty-seven mil a year). And if you know that a smooch from a superstar is going to give you chills — of the Arctic variety — how hot can he be? — J.H.

16) Reese Witherspoon
There are two schools of thought here at Nerve on why Reese Witherspoon is not sexy. The first claims that Reese Witherspoon is just too adorable, having emerged fully formed from a rainbow and carried to this earth by a litter of puppies. The second makes the case that inside of her sugar-sweet exterior sleeps a secret bitch, waiting to be unleashed on an unsuspecting PA, or maybe Jake Gyllenhaal. Perhaps both theories rely too much on Witherspoon's iconic performance as Tracy Flick, who both baked cupcakes and destroyed lives, but that's the price for playing a role so well. Its effects may be felt long after the movie is over. — J.B.R.

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48 Comments

mischa barton = "uncanny valley" HA

tel commented on 07/07

"Most useless article ever."

LOL commented on 07/07

Whoever wrote that bit about Reese Witherspoon is a drooling idiot who has a filthy minger for a mom!

F.UN commented on 07/07

You know who was/is unsexy? That walking corpse MICHAEL JAKCSON!!!!!!

FTW commented on 07/07

Miachael Savage Weiner is unsexy AND a bigoted mongrel!

666 commented on 07/07

You hit the nail on the head until you reached the finale #1-3.

jgl commented on 07/07

Oh come on, the Reese Witherspoon bit about the rainbows and the puppies was comic genious! Thannks for the giggle..

zb commented on 07/07

Fantastic. This was even better than the Sexiest Ugly People one, and that's hard to beat.

CVK commented on 07/07

The uncanny valley comment was perfect.

KsZ commented on 07/07

Katie Holmes should be #21

KC commented on 07/07

I dunno about Keanu, he was really animated in "A Scanner Darkly" so he's on my sexy list, Leonardo is slowly aging into sexiness, and Nicole Kidman, well, she's tall, and a redhead, of course she's sexy, she's tall and a redhead!

EMC commented on 07/07

Reese Witherspoon is SO sexy. You guys are crazy.

PHM commented on 07/08

Gwyneth Paltrow was like the sexiest woman alive when she was in Iron Man. What a bunch of retards Nerve had working on this article.

PHM commented on 07/08

@ PHM - really? sexy in iron man? or, emaciated? have you read GOOP? c'mon!

SPB commented on 07/08

Not sure if I would call A-Rod "beautiful," but otherwise I thought this was pretty spot on!

KRM commented on 07/08

What about Sarah Palin?!! Then again, all the porn knock-offs...guess people do want to screw her.

WLK commented on 07/08

paris put the coke in coquette, i love it :)

rkg commented on 07/08

Nicole Kidman is hot...

CNT commented on 07/08

You had me till Leo. Sure leo used to be pretty boy but now hes a scruffy, tanned sexy beast.

XO commented on 07/09

Jessica Alba is still hot. But a lot of the others are spot on. And Sarah Palin? She is so objectionable in so many ways, but I would still throw my hotdog down that hallway.

RUF commented on 07/09

Keanu Reeves unsexy? Sure, sure. Somebody here hasn't bloody watched "Point Break" enough times, and they should. Or maybe not. Not worthy.

GB commented on 07/09

hysterical stuff...you forgot sienna miller...she is all over the place but nobody in america knows who she is...

gcd commented on 07/09

Beautifully scripted and spot on!

WAM commented on 07/09

Some of these are way off, maybe every other one. I read it just to see how silly the writing could be. I was not disappointed. Nerve is circling the drain, or in the case of this article, the bowl..

spif commented on 07/09

You forgot Renee Zellweger

EJM commented on 07/09

So much bullshit the rest is discredited.

PM commented on 07/10

Pity that Lindsay Lohan isn't on this list. Not many can pull off the 40-yr old truckstop hooker look at the tender age of 20-something.

SLM commented on 07/10

@ RUF - Jessica Alba was hot for a minute, but now she just comes off as whiney . why doesn't she ever smile in the pictures with her kid? she's young, rich, pretty and has a beautiful child. she still looks like she just swallowed something bitter. SMILE dammit

KEL commented on 07/10

@SLM - It's hard to imagine anything being hot about the "Prairie Home Companion" movie, but Lindsay in that cowboy hat, making up the lyrics to "Frankie and Johnny" (whether literally or from the script) as she went cranked up the wattage for even that NPR-family friendly silliness. And that train wreck life of hers...she begs to be rescued and ensconced in some sumptuous bedroom...Or maybe I'm too easily pleased.

ew commented on 07/10

Tom cruise not sexy???? What the fuck!!! Did you saw MI:2???????? god dammit!

AT commented on 07/10

Lindsay used to be gorgeous. god those freckles..now, she's a raspy-voiced train wreck. poor girl. eat something, lay off the crazy...

ppp commented on 07/10

i totally agree with every entry to this list. perfect. though i agree with the poster who said that you missed renee zellweger. i like some of these people, but sexy they aren't.

r commented on 07/10

Have never read more weird article. You take a photo from an angle and can make Britney look sexless. Ask my dick to vote, I would say!!

BS commented on 07/11

@WAM.... must you be thinking you are a class? Methink you need your dick / cunt examined.

BS commented on 07/11

Orlando must be banned from ever making a movie again

jazz commented on 07/11

I saw Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban in a shoe store in Nashville a few months ago. The were making out at the cash register. It was gross.

NB commented on 07/11

This list is pretty accurate and makes me feel better for drooling over "ugly" men who encompass unbelievable sexiness.

MR commented on 07/12

I completely agree with each entry on here. Well done, Nerve. I've often thought that beautiful does not equal sexy, though many other people seem to think so...simpletons, I say!

LT commented on 07/14

I have to disagree with you using the phrase "date-rapey" in regard to Jamie Foxx's video. I watched it, and there was nothing "date-rapey" about it. Have you heard of beer goggles? People get drunk, they choose to get drunk, and then they sometimes make decisions they later regret. Been there, done that, it wasn't rape. Or even close to it.

CEC commented on 07/14

the fact that JESSICA effing ALBA is on this list speaks for itself. you can do better than this, nerve!

LC commented on 07/14

Agree with most. Disagree with Nicole Kidman, Gwenyth Paltrow, and Orlando Bloom. They're still sexy. Completely AGREE with Jessica Alba. So overrated! She is not sexy.

RE commented on 07/20

Woah! Orlando Bloom? Are you serious?! I have to point out here that you are misunderstanding his career. I think he's apprenticing to be a leading man at this point. Of course he's gonna get out-sexied when he's standing next to the likes of Viggo, Brad, and Johnny. It's not his job to outshine those men yet, he's still an ingenue. If you'll pardon my running with this metaphor his job is to look unthreateningly pretty (the ass kicking elf role aside) and sing one song and then step aside and let the divas own the stage. He'll get there...don't worry. Oh, and please rewatch Elizabethtown!

HH commented on 07/30

"I make no apologies for still liking Shakespeare in Love" Um...I'm sorry, did I miss a public opinion memo, am I supposed to be sneering at this movie now? God forbid a sexy comedy about Shakespeare win an Oscar, right? Ridiculous

HH commented on 07/30

FUCK THIS LIST! YOU HAVE GOTTA BE FUCKED UP. MAJORITY OF PEOPLE ON THIS LIST ARE FUCKING SEXY AND I WOULD BANG EM ALL IN A SECOND MATE. THIS SITE SUCKS CUNT FACE ASS

M commented on 09/09