Screengrab by Various Today in Nerve's film blog: Holiday special - 35 people, places and movies we're thankful for.
The Remote Island by Bryan Christian Michael Phelps indulges Anderson Cooper in some watersports and Dexter makes a 'bitch move.' Plus: the secret of Tina Fey's scar, revealed!
Dating Advice From . . . Engineers by Steph Auteri Q. For optimal functionality, what should go into a first-date emergency kit? A. Fine wine, road flares, a snake-bite kit and Ghirardelli chocolates.
18. Dikembe Mutombo
The oldest player in the NBA, Mutombo gives millions to eradicate childhood disease in the Republic of Congo and is a married father of six, but he's better known for his (urban-) legendary pick-up line, "Who wants to sex Mutombo?" Rumors vary, but the gist is Mutombo walks into a Georgetown bar/random strip club/Best Buy parking lot, throws his arms wide and delivers his signature line. Although there's no verified recording, we choose to believe it exists. During a trial over shady business practices at infamous Atlanta strip joint The Gold Club, a dancer testifed that she was one of three women who performed oral sex on him at once. Whatever line he's using, it's working. — Nicole Ankowski
promotion
17. Sunderland AFC
British football clubs always make us think of Monty Python ("The Hammers, Karl Marx, the Hammers!") and Iron Maiden, but recent misbehavior by certain players challenges those innocent associations. Now, talk of "strikers" and "halfbacks" fills our minds with lurid images of "roasting" — U.K. slang for a gang of men penetrating a "bird", as on a spit. The dedicated truth-seekers at the Sun are still trying to ID the blue-haired strumpet roasted on a recently leaked video (available here, for now), but the identity of the roasters is not up for debate. Liam Lawrence, Chris Brown, Martin Woods and Ben Alnwick all took turns double-teaming the lass, with Brown providing football-themed commentary ("That is classic intercourse!") for an extra touch of prurience. Apparently feeling inspired, married West Brom goalie Russell Hoult and a friend roasted a woman this January, then lost the cellphone they recorded it on (The Sun, naturally, was shocked). — PS
16. Stefan Postma
Sex enthusiasts owe Dan Savage for a lot of things, two of them explicitly related to his capacity as a neologist. One is his celebrated reclaiming of the word "santorum", the other was his drive to give a name to the sex act wherein a man is anally penetrated by a strap-on-wearing woman. The resulting verb, "to peg," allows us to quickly summarize this sex tape: it's Dutch football goalie Stefan Postma being pegged by his girlfriend. He was then supplementally pegged when said girlfriend, jilted, put the video on the internet. — PS
15. Minnesota Vikings "sex boat" squad
Prince enthusiasts seeking to purify themselves in the waters of Lake Minnetonka may reconsider upon learning of the orgies held thereupon by Minnesota Vikings players, annually, until 2005, when word got out and scandal ensued. Seventeen Vikings players rented two cruise ships for the night of October 7, 2005, and flew in strippers and prostitutes to join them. Crew members were apparently horrified by what ensued: what the lawyer they subsequently hired described as "masturbation, oral sex, woman-on-man, woman-on-woman. . . toys. . . middle of the floor, middle of the couches, middle of the rooms." The players then disembarked and peed on the lawn of a local woman, who called 911. (In football terminology, this is known as a "foul").
— PS
14. Boris Becker
The youngest winner of Wimbledon men's singles (at a mere seventeen) may also be the sluttiest. Sure, Boris Becker and his wife, actress Barbara Feltus, posed nude on the cover of Stern magazine. Doesn't everyone? But in 2001, Becker fathered a child with a model he nailed in a closet at Nobu — while Feltus was in labor. Oops. DNA testing proved the model's child was Becker's, but Becker claimed he'd only had oral sex with the model, Angela Ermakova. In his version, Ermakova had covertly retained his seed in her mouth after the encounter and fiendishly used it to impregnate herself. The life of a former tennis star is certainly rife with intrigue. We see a Will Ferrell movie in here somewhere. — PS
13. Oscar de la Hoya
In the universe of boxing, Oscar de la Hoya's sperm seems to be just as ambitious and far-reaching as the rest of him: he's sired four kids by four different women. Unfortunately, not all of de la Hoya's conquests have been consensual, and he's racked up several sexual-assault charges. When the man did manage to keep it in his pants, he earned a gold medal and world titles in six weight classes, aided by spirit-rejuvenating pre-match non-ejaculatory sex (seriously). — A. Chapman
, featuring curious yet marvelous infusions of cucumber and rose petal.
