DISPATCHES
Coming this Saturday: the most romantic day of the year! Yeah, right. You're reading this, so we know your pain. We here at Nerve have always looked out for the dateless, so here are our suggestions for beating back the forces of Hallmark. With love and solidarity, The Nerve Staff
1. Accost your shrink. Grab a double session and storm in, guns blazing. (Figuratively, people.) Let it all out: "Why am I alone?" "Why doesn't anyone love me?" "When are you going to fix me?" "Am I completely, utterly fucked?" Trust us: you'll get your money's worth, and not just from watching your doc look seasick in his or her armchair.
2. Follow Liam Neeson's advice and take carriage ride through Central Park — solo. Bring an Evian bottle brimming with Stoli. Keep making loops. Try to make friends with the couples in other carriages. Speak very loudly; slur your words; get sentimental. Invite yourself in, and try to sit between them. Offer them your drink while repeatedly assuring them you don't have "cooties."
3. If you don't live near Central Park, or if you're Alec Baldwin or a member of PETA — repeat same in a romantic restaurant. Wear a nice tie and some Axe Body Spray. Buy Jaeger bombs for couples. Saunter over and take a seat. Remember: no matter how they react, all couples who've been dating over three months have nothing to say to each other, and will secretly be relieved you've joined their table. Really: no matter how they react.
4. Rent some videos: we recommend the triptych of Eraserhead, The Night Porter and Dead Ringers. If it's only four a.m. and you've got popcorn left, add in Mulholland Drive. David Lynch makes everything better.
5. Go for a swim — in a strong, outgoing current. Work out all your frustrations, kicking and crawling as far from shore as possible; the ocean's grip will do the rest. Or paddle out on an inner tube and bring a pin. Your life insurance company will never be the wiser. Remember: no one can see your salty tears if you're already drenched.
6. Move to a country that doesn't celebrate a day designed to make the happy happier and the miserable miserabler. Preferably one where underwear is optional.
7. Okay, Scotland, like most of the world, actually does celebrate Valentine's Day. You may be shit out of luck on that score. Regardless: should any feeble-minded sap wish you a happy Valentine's Day, reply loudly, "Happy S.A.D., my friend! That's right — wishing you a very enjoyable Singles Awareness Day." If you feel the need to laugh maniacally at this point, it's icing on the cake.

        
 

Commentarium (4 Comments)

Feb 12 09 - 5:25pm
FF

Other than reminding me that giving blood makes it easier to get drunk, this article was completely useless. I'm disappointed in you, Nerve.

Feb 14 09 - 9:42am
mg

Something to do: learn to say racy things in French, Spanish, Italian, German or English on Babbel(dot)com... there are some love-themed language lessons at http://www.babbel.com

Apr 05 10 - 1:47am
sex

What do you think?

Apr 05 10 - 1:47am
sex

What do you think?