Test your taste for the absurd with this year-end quiz: how well do you know the sex freaks who made "news" in the last twelve months? (Scroll down for answers.)

1. What excuse did a sixty-year-old Rotterdam man use when he called his wife from his cell phone on Christmas Day last year to explain why he wouldn't be home for the holidays? (He wanted to spend the day with his mistress.)
A. "I've been kidnapped."
B. "I've converted to Judaism."
C. "Christmas has become too commercialized."
D. "I'm stuck in traffic."


2. Last January, WorkCover, Australia's workplace safety commission, released a list of workplace safety guidelines for the country's recently legalized sex industry. Which of the following did not appear in a list of potential occupational hazards in their pamphlet, titled (no shit) "Getting on Top of Health and Safety"?
A. Dim lighting in brothels.
B. Repetitive movement problems.
C. Loose bed frames.
D. Increased exposure to STDs.


3. Last winter, councilors in Locust Township, Pennsylvania, unanimously passed a bill outlawing...
A. Mooning.
B. Public erections, even if they're are covered by a pair of pants.
C. Sexual intercourse between teens without first receiving written consent from both sets of parents/guardians.
D. PDA.


4. Last March, model (and former wife of Mickey Rourke) Carre Otis said: "I was always in the wrong relationships, so I decided to see what would happen if I took my energy and focused it elsewhere." What did she do?
A. Became a lesbian.
B. Became celibate.
C. Ate a sandwich.
D. Got a boob job.


5. Pretty-boy rapper Eminem reportedly bought every copy of the May edition of UK culture magazine The Face and had them destroyed before they hit newsstands because the cover featured...
A. Eminem wearing a T-shirt that was digitally changed from red to pink by the magazine's designers, so it wouldn't clash with the rest of the cover.
B. Eminem with a small picture of Elton John dressed as an angel digitally placed on his right shoulder, another small Elton John dressed as a devil on his left.
C. Eminem in front of several scantily clad female models whose eyes had been digitally blackened, as if they'd been punched.
D. Eminem photographed from an angle that made him "look fat."


6. Last June, an arbitrating body in Tehran, Iran, approved a law that...
A. Allows women to teach and take sex education workshops.
B. Makes it illegal for husbands to beat their wives with anything but their hands.
C. Limits the size of stones used for throwing at adulterers.
D. Increased the minimum marriage age from 9 to 13 for girls and from 14 to 15 for boys.


7. What did a pregnant New Zealand woman named Nicky announce last July that she was going to do, leading to a public outcry?
A. Leave her husband and marry a woman.
B. Film a porno that would include her giving birth to her child.
C. Masturbate during labor to ease the pain of childbirth.
D. Let her husband suck one breast while her baby sucked the other.


8. Why did four Portuguese women stand topless in front of their open bedroom windows last July?
A. They were protesting their government's recent ban on topless sunbathing.
B. They were auditioning for the Portuguese edition of The Bachelor.
C. They had each received phone calls explaining that if they stood that way, they would receive a revolutionary new satellite mammogram for free.
D. People star-gaze topless all the time in Portugal, but these four women just happened to be photographed unwittingly by an American tourist who uploaded their photos to the Internet. The tourist was sued for invasion of privacy.


9. In late August, a forty-seven-year-old U.K. woman named Jean Curtis filed for divorce after finding her ex-military policeman hubby...
A. Watching gay porn with his best friend, who also happened to be wife's lover.
B. Flagrante delicto with their seventy-eight-year-old cook.
C. Clad in a woman's blouse and rubber stockings, lying on the sofa, balls-deep in the frozen chicken that was supposed to be their Sunday lunch.
D. Totally naked and relieving his bowels on a portrait photograph of his wife.


10. According to a "close friend" who blabbed to the tabs in September, what sexual
proclivity does Britney Spears regularly engage in?
A. She gives head while her boyfriends watch hardcore lesbian porn.
B. She watches hardcore lesbian porn.
C. She masturbates while listening to her own music.
D. She has sex.


11. For years now, American porn has been borrowing from the Japanese porn tradition of bukkake, wherein a group of masturbating men administer simultaneous facials to one lucky woman. This year, Japanese porn gave us temakeri, which is...
A. Men getting their balls kicked by women in heels.
B. A group of masturbating chicks female-ejaculating onto the face of one lucky man.
C. A couple having sex while telling each other jokes.
D. Men ejaculating onto the camera lens.


12. A male nurse in Cardiff, Wales was finally cleared of sexual assault charges this past October when...
A. His accuser fell in love with him and dropped the charges.
B. A sympathetic jury at Cardiff Crown Court was shown pictures of his not exactly menacing, one-inch long, Braille-dimple dong.
C. Several experts on male sexual dysfunction were called in to testify that the chance of the defendant achieving an erection was smaller than that of the judge being hit by lightning...while in his chambers...at exactly 3 p.m. next Saturday.
D. The cross-dressing nurse actually turned out to be a biological female.


13. According to The Lancet medical journal, how did a fifty-year-old European scientist blister his penis and balls this past November?
A. He went to a McDonald's drive-thru naked on a bet, and spilled coffee in his lap.
B. His girlfriend caught him doin' the nasty with her best friend and threw her McDonald's coffee at the bed.
C. He left his laptop computer resting on his lap for too long.
D. He masturbated for three hours without a break (and without lube).


14. During a parliamentary reform in England this past November, what sex-related legislation was passed?
A. Tabloid newspapers such as The Sun are no longer allowed to publish nudie photos.
B. The age of consent for gay sex was made the same as that for het sex (16).
C. Refusal to administer oral sex was removed as legal grounds for divorce.
D. Sex in public was legalized.


15. Canadian musician Aaron Funk produced an album this year entitled Nymphomatriarch, made up entirely of sampled boot-knocking sessions with his girlfriend. Which of the following is not a song on the album?
A. Hymen Tramp Choir
B. Pervs
C. Blood on the Rope
D. I'm Your Slave Monkey


Answers:

1. A
2. D
3. B
4. B
5. A
6. D
7. B
8. C
9. C
10. B
11. A
12. B
13. C
14. D
15. D