The Top 43 Sexiest U.S. Presidents
Hail to the chief.
It's President's Day and just like every year, lists ranking the efficacy, intelligence, and popularity of the forty-three U.S. Presidents abound. Here at Nerve, we put together our own list, celebrating the most important presidential characteristic: sex appeal.
43.) Richard Nixon
Certainly the least sexy person connected in any way to Deep Throat, Richard Nixon is irredeemable. The receding brow, the virulent racism, the opposition to everything sexy about the '60s. This man gives the lie to the idea that power is always sexy.
42.) William Howard Taft
There's not much to say about Taft, except that out of all the presidents, he definitely bore the strongest resemblance to Garfield the cat. He ended the Progressive Era and later became Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, but we're guessing the only thing you know about him is that he once got stuck in the White House bathtub.
41.) Warren G. Harding
He had a face like putty and a dour look only a banker could love. Also, his name was Warren. Unsexy.
40.) Benjamin Harrison
He was chubby, old, and undistinguished. Very few have ever fantasized about Benjamin Harrison, possibly because most people have forgotten he existed.
39.) Grover Cleveland
Cleveland was the only man to serve two non-consecutive terms, thereby screwing up the numbering system — thanks for that, buddy. He was also very ugly.
38.) John Quincy Adams
Quincy Adams looks like an angrier, skinner, balder version of his father (no prize himself).
37.) John Adams
He gave us most of the legal principles we value dearly, but he did not do New England proud in the looks department, with a face that wouldn't be out of place at a Belushi family reunion. (And actually, there's a reason Paul Giamatti got cast in his biopic.)
36.) William Henry Harrison
He had a big nose, a bad comb-over, and luckily for him, the Darwin Awards were still over a century away from their inception: after refusing to wear an overcoat while giving his Inaugural Address, he caught pneumonia, and died a month into his term. FAIL.
35.) Herbert Hoover
The puckered old-man face is a turn-off, but causing the Great Depression is worse.
34.) Millard Fillmore
He's ugly, he knows it, and he doesn't care. (Which, actually, is kind of sexy… but still.)
33.) James Buchanan
A giant, white-haired baby.
32.) Rutherford B. Hayes
Rutherford B. Hayes botched Reconstruction, to the lasting detriment of African-Americans. He also had a stupid beard.
31.) James Madison
Sure, he's the father of the Constitution, but he was only five-foot-four.
30.) Calvin Coolidge
The strong, silent type… in an off-putting, "please don't make my skin into a lampshade" kind of way.
29.) William McKinley
McKinley's huge forehead and stern demeanor remind us of a high-school principal, and while some people out there harbor leftover teacher-student fantasies, we're not among them.
28.) Chester A. Arthur
Arthur was not a very attractive man, but he rocked some outrageous muttonchops. (Here, let's take a closer look.) Confidence is sexy, and it definitely takes confidence to look like that.
27.) Martin van Buren
He was short and looks strangely like the father from Everybody Loves Raymond, although again, you really have to admire the muttonchops.
26.) James A. Garfield
Not particularly handsome, Garfield mostly lacked confidence, which will get you nowhere (I mean, the man couldn't even manage to win "Most Garfield Like"). But he has to get a little credit for having been assassinated.
25.) Andrew Jackson
When he died, he had over a half-dozen bullets in him from duels throughout his life. Basically, Jackson was the Clint Eastwood of presidents, but he loses serious points for that whole genocide thing.
24.) Gerald Ford
Not the best-looking president, but not the worst. Plus, he was a college athlete. Gerald Ford was like Jersey Shore: jocky and dumb, but you can't look away.
23.) John Tyler
If you find older men sexy but like them very thin, Tyler's your man.
22.) Andrew Johnson
Johnson was impeached largely for being unpopular, so you have to imagine he was as obnoxious as hell. That can sometimes be sexy, but probably not in this case.
21.) Harry S. Truman
Truman has a certain air about him, but still, the "S" doesn't stand for "Sexiness" (or anything). You might not regret hooking up with Truman, but you wouldn't admit it to anyone either.
20.) Jimmy Carter
Carter's like an ex-boyfriend you stayed friends with; looking back, you realize it wasn't so bad.
19.) Dwight D. Eisenhower
Ike: the goofy-looking guy with a great personality.
18.) Ulysses S. Grant
Not bad-looking, but his face doesn't hide the fact that he was a degenerate drunk. (On the other hand, some people like that kind of thing.) He even looks plastered in his official portrait.
17.) Lyndon Johnson
With a bulbous nose, a chin that seems to recede into his neck and a weird hairline, Johnson is almost awkward to look at.
16.) Woodrow Wilson
15.) James Monroe
Sure, he's a bit jowly ("Muppet-esque," you might say), but you can't deny that the man had a nice chin dimple.
14.) Zachary Taylor
Who can resist a man in uniform? Not to mention that Taylor's nickname was "Old Rough and Ready."
13.) George H.W. Bush
Bushes elder and younger have almost the same face, so it would be wrong of us to place him too far from his progeny. But honestly, now that we've all seen him throw up, the magic is gone. Plus, "ineffectual" is never sexy. (In contrast, say what you will about Dubya, but he completely fucked up the entire country with undeniable verve.)
12.) James K. Polk
Okay, so he had a mullet. But there's a quiet, distinguished air about him. Kind of like Mario Lopez.
11.) George Washington
He was a tall, a war hero, and rode a white horse. He also had bad teeth, but being the father of the country can get you forgiven for a lot of things.
10.) Abraham Lincoln
The tallest president at six-foot-four, Lincoln was a successful lawyer, a great conversationalist, and had "O Captain, My Captain" written about him. There's a reason people still hotly debate this guy's sexual orientation and not, say, Grover Cleveland's.
9.) Ronald Reagan
He was the oldest president, which is a big disadvantage, but it's impossible to forget that this guy was also a movie star. There's also hard evidence that Nancy was a freak in her younger days.
8.) Franklin Delano Roosevelt
Rich, good-looking, charismatic, and sensitive to the needs of others. Not to mention, you have to hand it to a man who was elected four times. We love a winner.
7.) George W. Bush
It's hard to separate politics from the image with the younger Bush, but lets be honest, if he had remained owner of the Texas Rangers, he would have been one of the sexiest businessmen in America. He's fun, spontaneous, obsessed with his body, and knows how to party. Bush is great one-night-stand material for all the same reasons that he was a terrible president.
6.) Bill Clinton
We may joke about his choice in women, but remember, those are only the ones we know about. Even if he's not the best-looking, he oozes sex appeal. When Bill Clinton enters the room, the party starts.
5.) Franklin Pierce
There's not much to say about this obscure president, except that he's gorgeous. He's like Johnny Depp, but without as much to show for himself.
4.) Thomas Jefferson
Thomas Jefferson was tall, gentlemanly, and he wrote the Declaration of Independence. But he was also a firebrand, heading to France and stoking the fires of revolution there (and in our pants).
3.) Barack Obama
Smart, funny, and have you seen him with his shirt off? Barack Obama is a damn sexy man, with a damn sexy wife, and two adorable daughters. He's also a certifiable genius. Don't think he knows how to let loose? During the campaign, he'd often take control of event music, playing Michael Jackson off his iPod.
2.) John F. Kennedy
For a long time, the Kennedys topped the unspoken list of Celebrities America Would Like to Bang. But only Jack had Marilyn. In terms of simple sex appeal, JFK can really only be compared to himself.
1.) Theodore Roosevelt
At first glance, Roosevelt may be a strange choice for number one, but the guy had everything. He wasn't the best-looking president, but he was damn handsome. He was in ridiculously good shape and a rugged outdoorsman. He cared passionately about the environment, bravely lead the way into battle, and fought against corruption in every office he held. Theodore Roosevelt was so sexy that if he slept with your girlfriend, you'd be flattered. He's part Chuck Norris (meme Chuck Norris, not actual Chuck Norris), part Evel Knievel, part John Wayne, and part Daniel Craig. He was the most popular man in America for a reason, and our sexiest president ever.