It's President's Day and just like every year, lists ranking the efficacy, intelligence, and popularity of the forty-three U.S. Presidents abound. Here at Nerve, we put together our own list, celebrating the most important presidential characteristic: sex appeal.
43.) Richard Nixon
Certainly the least sexy person connected in any way to Deep Throat, Richard Nixon is irredeemable. The receding brow, the virulent racism, the opposition to everything sexy about the '60s. This man gives the lie to the idea that power is always sexy.
42.) William Howard Taft
There's not much to say about Taft, except that out of all the presidents, he definitely bore the strongest resemblance to Garfield the cat. He ended the Progressive Era and later became Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, but we're guessing the only thing you know about him is that he once got stuck in the White House bathtub.
41.) Warren G. Harding
He had a face like putty and a dour look only a banker could love. Also, his name was Warren. Unsexy.
40.) Benjamin Harrison
He was chubby, old, and undistinguished. Very few have ever fantasized about Benjamin Harrison, possibly because most people have forgotten he existed.
39.) Grover Cleveland
Cleveland was the only man to serve two non-consecutive terms, thereby screwing up the numbering system — thanks for that, buddy. He was also very ugly.
38.) John Quincy Adams
Quincy Adams looks like an angrier, skinner, balder version of his father (no prize himself).
37.) John Adams
He gave us most of the legal principles we value dearly, but he did not do New England proud in the looks department, with a face that wouldn't be out of place at a Belushi family reunion. (And actually, there's a reason Paul Giamatti got cast in his biopic.)
36.) William Henry Harrison
He had a big nose, a bad comb-over, and luckily for him, the Darwin Awards were still over a century away from their inception: after refusing to wear an overcoat while giving his Inaugural Address, he caught pneumonia, and died a month into his term. FAIL.
35.) Herbert Hoover
The puckered old-man face is a turn-off, but causing the Great Depression is worse.
34.) Millard Fillmore
He's ugly, he knows it, and he doesn't care. (Which, actually, is kind of sexy... but still.)
33.) James Buchanan
A giant, white-haired baby.
32.) Rutherford B. Hayes
Rutherford B. Hayes botched Reconstruction, to the lasting detriment of African-Americans. He also had a stupid beard.
31.) James Madison
Sure, he's the father of the Constitution, but he was only five-foot-four.
30.) Calvin Coolidge
The strong, silent type... in an off-putting, "please don't make my skin into a lampshade" kind of way.
29.) William McKinley
McKinley's huge forehead and stern demeanor remind us of a high-school principal, and while some people out there harbor leftover teacher-student fantasies, we're not among them.
28.) Chester A. Arthur
Arthur was not a very attractive man, but he rocked some outrageous muttonchops. (Here, let's take a closer look.) Confidence is sexy, and it definitely takes confidence to look like that.
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- "When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You know that your name is safe in their mouth."
- "It's not that I don't still love you. It's that you don't love yourself, and I can't provide enough love for both of us."
- "Being this happy with you right now makes me want to jump into a time machine and shake the existential despair out of my depressed post-breakup self from six months ago."
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