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10 Dumb Sex and Dating Apps For Your Smartphone
"The Sexulator" is one of them. No, really.
by Kate Hakala
The future is incredible. Not only does my phone tell me where I am, keep me in touch with everyone I know and practically run my life, but it can also meddle with my love life! Want to find out an eerie amount of information about a blind date, or "sexulate" your... sex? These apps are here to help.
What It Does: Provides a forum to submit pickup lines, allows users can rate the ones that are most effective.
It's exactly as bad as it sounds. Here's a sample:
(girl) I have a boyfriend...
(you) I have 2 goldfish
(you): Oh, I'm sorry, I thought we were talking about things that didn't matter.
Don't... ever use this. Just don't. Nothing broadcasts raging sexual prowess like using a script written by people on the internet.
What It Does: It's an online dating app that allows you to text and talk with strangers without revealing your phone number.
I'm mainly averse to this because of the name. When I was little, my mom used to warn me about "the tingle" before a herpes outbreak. Also, really, if you're apprehensive about giving your phone number to someone you met online, you should probably listen to your gut and not give them your phone number.
What It Does: It's just a ten-video series of a woman giving "jaw-dropping" advice on how to ask out the girl of your dreams. It doesn't really do anything.
Well, it's fortunate that all women are exactly the same and dating advice is wholly objective, because there's only one girl here to ask. (Does it help that she's British? Probably.) But about that whole "asking" thing? Well, the questions have already been asked for you, silly. This app is just a woman sitting in her bedroom (which looks oddly like the set of a Wes Anderson film) covering life-altering topics like "What goes through a girl's mind when she sees a guy for the first time?" So, you get the same boilerplate Cosmo-style advice, but narrated, and also moving. Win?
What It Does: Provides step-by-step tips on how to propose to your loved one. Gives ring tips, location advice, and ways to ask her parents for permission.
This app is perfect for men who have never paid any sort of attention to their significant others, and therefore have no idea what their interests might be or how to speak to them. And since they're getting into the hot-and-heavy social backpeddling of asking parents for permission to propose, I'm a little disappointed they didn't go the extra mile with a feature on how to haggle for a better dowry. This app was created by Helzberg Diamonds, which leads me to believe the tips for choosing the ring include suggestions like, "Only ones from our stores."
What It Does: Measures how well you perform during sex, using the microphone and accelerometer on your iPhone.
Phones are so reliable. I always have service, my texts are always sent, and my phone never leaves three-minute voicemails of Gollum rasps with random contacts while it's in my bag. So who wouldn't want to tie their sexual confidence to their phone's performance? And further, who wouldn't want to go online and compare results with other techno-lovers the world over? Thank Science we've moved on from measuring sexual performance with blunt Stone Age-tools like orgasms, sounds, sights, and like, talking afterwards. That was the worst.