"The Sexulator" is one of them. No, really.
The future is incredible. Not only does my phone tell me where I am, keep me in touch with everyone I know and practically run my life, but it can also meddle with my love life! Want to find out an eerie amount of information about a blind date, or "sexulate" your… sex? These apps are here to help.
What It Does: Provides a forum to submit pickup lines, allows users can rate the ones that are most effective.
It's exactly as bad as it sounds. Here's a sample:
(girl) I have a boyfriend…
(you) I have 2 goldfish
(you): Oh, I'm sorry, I thought we were talking about things that didn't matter.
Don't… ever use this. Just don't. Nothing broadcasts raging sexual prowess like using a script written by people on the internet.
What It Does: It's an online dating app that allows you to text and talk with strangers without revealing your phone number.
I'm mainly averse to this because of the name. When I was little, my mom used to warn me about "the tingle" before a herpes outbreak. Also, really, if you're apprehensive about giving your phone number to someone you met online, you should probably listen to your gut and not give them your phone number.
What It Does: It's just a ten-video series of a woman giving "jaw-dropping" advice on how to ask out the girl of your dreams. It doesn't really do anything.
Well, it's fortunate that all women are exactly the same and dating advice is wholly objective, because there's only one girl here to ask. (Does it help that she's British? Probably.) But about that whole "asking" thing? Well, the questions have already been asked for you, silly. This app is just a woman sitting in her bedroom (which looks oddly like the set of a Wes Anderson film) covering life-altering topics like "What goes through a girl's mind when she sees a guy for the first time?" So, you get the same boilerplate Cosmo-style advice, but narrated, and also moving. Win?
What It Does: Provides step-by-step tips on how to propose to your loved one. Gives ring tips, location advice, and ways to ask her parents for permission.
This app is perfect for men who have never paid any sort of attention to their significant others, and therefore have no idea what their interests might be or how to speak to them. And since they're getting into the hot-and-heavy social backpeddling of asking parents for permission to propose, I'm a little disappointed they didn't go the extra mile with a feature on how to haggle for a better dowry. This app was created by Helzberg Diamonds, which leads me to believe the tips for choosing the ring include suggestions like, "Only ones from our stores."
What It Does: Measures how well you perform during sex, using the microphone and accelerometer on your iPhone.
Phones are so reliable. I always have service, my texts are always sent, and my phone never leaves three-minute voicemails of Gollum rasps with random contacts while it's in my bag. So who wouldn't want to tie their sexual confidence to their phone's performance? And further, who wouldn't want to go online and compare results with other techno-lovers the world over? Thank Science we've moved on from measuring sexual performance with blunt Stone Age-tools like orgasms, sounds, sights, and like, talking afterwards. That was the worst.
What It Does: Essentially a calendar, Sexulator lets you keep track of your sexual activity, then calculates "averages of your events."
First of all, that name is incredible. It sounds like someone who would be coming after me in Running Man. But really, it's a calendar, with "fun" little icons for the different acts. (No anal, but there's an "M" for multiple partners. Talk about mixed messages.) And, chances are, there's already a calendar on your phone. And as far as calculating averages, that will probably not end up as wacky and free-spirited as their copy makes it sound. By way of example, here's this customer review: "Should add a blocked icon for the nights she agrees to sex then at bedtime says 'let's wait til tomorrow.'"
What It Does: Allows for a user to receive a fake incoming emergency call to break up a bad date.
Aren't we all mature, articulate adults who can smoothly bow out of an awkward situation on a first date? No, we're not. And that's why we've turned to phone apps (paid for by eHarmony!) to augment our dating experiences. You can schedule an emergency call from your mom, your landlord, or your boss to save you from any mildly uncomfortable scenario. The app even has a "Repeat After Me" option for the inexperienced deceiver. You know what to do if you're having a bad date? Finish your meal, say you have to go home, and politely thank your date for their time. Unfortunately, there's no "tact" app (yet).
What It Does: Delivers substantial personal information about a prospective date. By "substantial" I mean marital status, career history, and criminal records.
You know what would be great? An app that tracks people who use this app. That way, you'll know if you're about to go on a date with a possibly-insane person who has boundary issues. This app allows you to get a date's property ownership information, like the square footage and assessed value of their home. Now, there might be some of you who would prefer to know if your date has three full bathrooms before you meet them, but there's a fine line between "concerned suitor" and "shack-dwelling paranoid nut," and Date Check will help you cross it.
What It Does: Lets you connect directly with someone's voicemail, bypassing whole "ringing" thing.
This app is only acceptable for those who have rehearsed an insanely over-the-top, complicated voicemail featuring Stevie Wonder singing back-up vocals. Otherwise, grow up. If you're going on a date with somebody, that requires communication, and lots of it, so you better get used to banter fraught with tension. Also, Slydial can be verrrrry easily abused by creepers — now the people you're harassing with an endless stream of heavy-breathing voicemails won't even have an opportunity to curse you out!
What It Does: Your doctor uploads your STD tests results to your phone via the MedXCom system, and so does your potential partner. You "bump" your phones together to exchange your clean or dirty bills of health.
Remember when "bumping uglies" just meant having sex, and not knocking two pieces of technology together to find out if the guy you were hitting on is riddled with disease? It’s hard to remember that far back. The problem with this app is that both of your doctors have to download the app, and upload your results. Like a lot of these apps, this is a matchmaker to pair up two adult-sized babies who would go through extreme lengths to avoid a frank, not-that-big-of-a-deal conversation. And, by the way, it doesn’t cover HPV, the "silent majority" of STDs, so that's kind of a sad trombone.