Nobles behaving badly.
Perhaps the most elaborate April Fool's Day trick ever, seeing as it was actually made, Down on Abby came out today. As reported by Digital Spy, a soft cut of the porn parody will also be released, you know, for the story. While Down on Abby promises all the high-class intrigue of the acclaimed series with all the behind-closed-doors sauciness we can only assume is happening in the hallowed halls of Downton, even a soft cut does leave something to be desired.
What of the acclaimed writing? The amazing costumes? The set direction? Maggie Smith?! No matter how good a parody, it just isn't the same. Here's our ten favorite softcore moments from the original series.
1. Thomas Barrow and The Duke
This one didn't work out so well (I mean, it's Downton Abbey) but it is one of the only times Thomas actually gets any during the series.
2. Mrs. Hughes and Carson
These two have never gotten it on (as far as we know) but the tension is definitely there. At least, as much tension as can exist between two perpetually close-mouthed, all-black wearing English people.
3. O'Brien and Thomas
This is definitely more of a gay BFF and/or mom-son relationship, but if you're gonna tell me there isn't at least a little longing from O'Brien for our dour-faced schemer Thomas, I'm gonna call you a liar.
4. Daisy and William
Sure, she didn't really love him, but it was war time, he's a sweet dude, and she was crushing on Thomas (see: he's fucking the Duke). It'll never work out for these two (one of them dies, because again, it's Downton), but the flirting and the smiles were a welcome addition to the manor.
5. Sybil and Tom
All the sads? Perhaps, this series is the aforementioned King of Sad, but it just keeps getting sadder. Sybil was the most adventurous of the Crawley sisters and of course had to marry English aristocracy's version of a bad boy. If nothing else, she left her husband with a baby (and therefore legitimacy to nobility) and some great hats.
6. Thomas and Jimmy
Sure, Jimmy isn't gay (Maybe? Was he flirting?) but after Thomas takes a beating for him, he decides they can be friends. Not the happiest of endings, but Thomas seems cool enough with it. So, let's get Thomas some bandages, some self-esteem, and a boyfriend — in that order.
7. Edith and Michael Gregson
Finally! Finally Edith has a man who values her looks and her mind and her everything and Mary can shove it! I know, Mary's the best. We all know this — most of all Edith, so it's wonderful when she finally gets what she wants. She's a woman with a brain and reasonable ability, and now she has some thing to do.
8. Mary and Matthew
There are few words. We should have seen it coming. I would venture to guess that at least part of us did, just not so soon. Not right then. Not by car. We can only hope it happened for more than just to make us cry/suffer/yell at our televisions. Until the reason becomes clear, enjoy the happiness Mary and Matt had and remember that at least once, Mary did smile.
9. Violet and Isobel
"I take that as a compliment." "I must have said it wrong." They're like all the Heathers, Plastics, and Ashleys rolled into one witty, British duo. The real people in charge, these ladies have staying power, wise mouths, and are by far the most entertaining couple to grace television in years.
10. Mr. Bates and Anna
Is there anything more perfect than the way Anna says "Mr. Bates?" They've both waited so long and gone through so much shit and then they find each other and even more badness happens. It's about to be all too much with his first wife and then prison and then — they stay together! They keep fighting and for a moment they're happy. When the noble ladies doll her up for her first night with Bates? C'mon, it's just the best. Unfortunately, as we've seen in more recent episodes, the struggle is (still!) not over, but it is my humble belief that this couple can survive anything. Of course, by saying that, I've just damned them. Happy sailing, Bates family. I'm sorry.
Feature image via Citivolus Sus.