Your celebrity crush dominates your every thought, but you probably can't afford the kind of detective work that would allow you to most effectively win his/her love, right? Don't settle for a poster — find your way into that dreamboat's heart with Nerve's new Celebrity Dossier. We've hired an honest-to-God, totally legitimate fictional CIA agent to assemble the best intel about these hotties' needs and proclivities, and we've even thrown in a little [unaccredited] analysis to help you make the most of it. Once you're briefed, only a restraining order can come between you and that special someone. — Peter Smith

BASIC DATA:

Name: John Burke Krasinski
Birthdate: October 20, 1979
Sign: Libra
Hometown: Newton, MA
Current Residence(s): West Hollywood, CA
Height: 6'3"
Hair: Brown
Eyes: Brown
Look: Cuddly/goofy
Resume: The Office, Jarhead, Leatherheads, Away We Go
Known Relationships: Rashida Jones (2005); Renee Zellweger (2007); Emily Blunt (2008- )
Favored Entertainment: Family Guy; David Foster Wallace (directing film adaptation of Wallace's Brief Interviews With Hideous Men)
Locations Frequented: Not bars; bar scene is "just not me." (Taverns/cantinas possible.)

PSYCHOLOGICAL PROFILE:

Mating Preferences: "Normal" girls welcome: "It's not about celebrity or not. It's all about, do you have that 'girl in a cardigan' in you. You gotta have that."

Sexual Flexibility: Unknown, but not a hater; open-minded parents left subject "always a little confused when I heard anybody have issues with anything like homosexuality."

Courtship Style: Demonstrative; subject "once drove twelve hours round-trip, all in one night, just to give a girl a dozen roses on her birthday."

Known Vulnerabilities: Vague, but present: "[Guys] can appear to be tough as nails, but [we] have a level of insecurity and vulnerability that's exponentially bigger than you think. With the primal urge to be alpha comes extreme heartbreak." Subject's public acknowledgement of insecurity may be an indicator of deeper security. Proceed with caution.

Signs of Interest: "A friend might say he doesn't feel like going to a party. Then he hears that Sarah or whoever's going to be there. Suddenly he gets up off the couch, stretches, and says, 'Oh, I guess I'll go.' ...If he shows up at all the places you're at, he's hooked." Referent "friend" may, in fact, be subject. Being named "Sarah" (or adopting as handle) may increase chances of access.

Sexual Persona: As deduced from subject's thoughts on sex scenes, may be stilted/uncomfortable: "It's always really awkward to do scenes like that because you sort of revert back to your teen years where you're all of a sudden like, 'Oh, my god. I'm in bed with a girl.' [Sex scene in Away We Go] was really, really uncomfortable for me and I think I'm also speaking for Maya [Rudolph, co-star]. It's also awkward to talk about it, even after the movie has been shot." Pronounced level of discomfort w/r/t fake sex may extend to real sex; more research needed.

CONCLUSIONS:

Chance of Access: Mid-level. Subject appears relatively pragmatic/down-to-earth, but romantic history with confirmed babes (R. Jones et al) suggests high standards. "Normal girls" alleged to have a chance, though quotes on this matter may be a sop to a swooning female fan base.

Potential Cost of Failure: Limited. Subject's average-guy approach to hunkiness means little/no loss to self-respect in event of rejection.

Best Approach: Dress like sexy librarian. Accessorize with dog-eared copy of Infinite Jest. (Complete read probably unnecessary.) Gentle teasing may stoke beta-male pursuit impulses. Avoid co-starring in filmed sex scenes at all cost; awkwardness likely.

Research by Nicole Ankowski.