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1. Two things I never want to see again: Bill Paxton's ass cheeks. His buttocks peaked in Weird Science. I appreciated the hypothetically feminist twist: he may have had three wives, but it was the dude's body being made into an erotic object. However, much like communism — or polygamy (eh, eh?) — this idea was better in theory than reality.
2. On second thought, maybe one Paxton butt-sighting should be allowed. It'll be a nostalgic look back at something that was once disturbing but has now mellowed into an amusing memory. Kinda like JAMS.
3. Season Four will find the Henrickson clan working to open their very own casino. Which Henrickson child will become a gambling addict? My money's on Tancy — oh wait, the new Tancy. Child stars are interchangeable. Just ask Becky from Roseanne.
4. [Spoiler Alert. Seriously.] Forget penny-slots. What I've really been waiting for is Barb to cut loose, because you know beneath her prim, buttoned-up exterior she's got volcanic levels of sexual repression, percolating like her morning coffee. And now word on the internet street is that Barb will have an affair with Tommy Flute (Adam Beach), the son of Bill's business partner. My excitement at this news can only be compared to teen girls' and James Brady Ryan's obsession with Taylor Lautner's abs.
5. [Spoiler Alert, continued] Beach reportedly said that a make-out scene with Barb was so hot "he almost lost track of when and where the scene ended." Take that, Kristin Stewart.
6. Season Four drinking game: shots whenever a bad "flute" pun is made. If that doesn't get you drunk, add in drinks whenever Bill bizarrely overreacts and drives up to Juniper Creek in a rage; when Bill's mom makes a hilarious, you-are-dumb-as-hell face; or when she tries to convince Wanda to kill (or not kill) someone.
7. Speaking of Bill's mom, she practiced her you-are-dumb-as-hell faces when she played Susan's mom on Seinfeld. We are all connected.
8. It still creeps me out that Bill is old enough to be Margene's dad. But not as much as it will if Margene and her stepson Ben end up lovers.
9. I was lying. I actually want Margene and Ben to have sex. Am I going to hell for this?
10. Oh wait, my friendly office Mormon just told me Mormons don't believe in hell. I'll just end up in the Outer Darkness.
11. Speaking of which, when will bad-girl Nicki embrace being bad in bed? She's narcissistic, utterly self-absorbed, and delusional in every other area in her life. That will be the sexual awakening to end all sexual awakenings. We can see her now, fresh from an afternoon quickie, humming "Bad Romance" and strolling fearlessly into Henrickson's Home Plus in a calf-length jean skirt, the world be damned!
12. "Margene" has a "blog" in which she uses the term "sugar boobs."
13. Oscar-winner Sissy Spacek will be guest-starring as a D.C. lobbyist starting in episode three. Bill's got a brunette, a blond, and a twenty-something — will he now be tempted by the ginger? (And is the term "ginger" offensive, or just British?) Sidebar: Spacek might be the only actress to ever be credible while going by the name "Sissy."
14. Since this is her final season, can someone please find Amanda Seyfried something to do besides brush her long, blond hair? I hear she can fit her entire fist in her mouth.
15. Which will happen first: Alby Grant coming out of the closet, or Roman Grant coming back from the dead?
16. Big Love Facebook fan comments are priceless:
"By the time this season is over I'll be a Mommy! If my husband tries to make another lady a Mommy, they'll have to give me my own show after they report what I do to him!!! jk lol....!!!!"
"Margene, our household is waiting with open arms when you come to your senses."
"I LOVE THIS SHOW! EVERY MAN deserves to have at least 2 or 3 wives ... AT LEAST! :)"
17. I asked my friendly office Mormon what he thinks of the show. "You mean besides the obvious?" he said. When I asked what the obvious was, he blushed, stammered, then stopped speaking to me.