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Ten Mistakes That Could Ruin Ghostbusters III
Bill Murray, Dan Aykroyd, and Harold Ramis could make the great sequel we've wanted for years — if they avoid these blunders.
by James Greene, Jr.
The geek world rejoiced last year when numerous sources confirmed that a third installment of Ghostbusters was on its way, featuring most of the principals from the first two movies. (Come back, Rick Moranis, all is forgiven!) The honeymoon period is over, though, and ghostheads are beginning to express concerns regarding this second sequel's potential quality. Remember how good everyone thought The Godfather Part III would be? We now present ten commandments Ghostbusters III must follow to achieve greatness.
1. Thou Shalt Not Anthropomorphize Slimer Any Further
Am I on drugs, or did I see Slimer driving a damn bus with a hat and everything in the last Ghostbusters movie? That "Real Ghostbusters" cartoon did more damage than we thought. If the Ghostbusters actually have a ghost hanging around their firehouse and interacting with them on a regular basis, well, that kind of negates their entire business model, doesn't it? That's like an exterminator who lets rats hang out in his kitchen. Besides, Bill Murray is cute enough. We don't need a precocious kid substitute. Roll Slimer back to semi-evil or drop him entirely. There will be riots if he pops up in GB3 wearing shades and given voice by Tony Danza.
2. Thou Shalt Not Bring Any More Giant Things To Life
In both Ghostbusters movies, large things show up three quarters of the way in to stomp on crap and elicit hilarious facial expressions from various characters. Don't go for the hat trick, guys, unless the thing you're planning to enlarge this time around is Tracy Morgan. It would be admittedly hilarious to see the 30 Rock star lounging across Fifth Avenue with no shirt on, jamming his finger into windows while hollering at the top of his lungs.
3. Thou Shalt Not Add Any More Extraneous Crap To The Top Of Ecto-1
There's no room left atop the already overloaded ghostbustin' ambulance. What else could they jam up there? A mini-fridge? A drum kit so they can play rockin' solos every time they catch a ghost? Please. The car's roof is under enough stress. You think Ecto-1 can clear the Holland Tunnel as it is? No way that satellite dish stays in place every time they gotta roll over to Hoboken.
4. Thou Shalt Not Introduce Any More Bustin' Technology
Sure, the Ghostbusters video game introduced a lot of neat weapons, but that was a video game. "Slime tethers" don't move walls in real life — bulldozers do. Less is more, folks. Work with the nutrana wands, containment units, and ghost traps you've already got. The fire department only has hoses and trucks, and they've been making that mess work for hundreds of years!
5. Thou Shalt Not Introduce New Uniforms
Nightmares of Seth Rogen in some kind of rubbery X-Men getup dance in our collective heads. Please, stick to the air-force jumpers. These guys are bustin' ghosts, not Magneto.
6. Thou Shalt Not Involve Ben Stiller
Ben Stiller peaked with Heavyweights. Since then, he's just been playing the same dim-witted, easily irritated, and disturbingly ripped loser in every movie. The Ghostbusters do not need a faux Rambo running around Manhattan primping his hair and accidentally proton-charging his nuts. Bobb'e J. Thompson is more worthy of a shot at ghostbusting than the seed of Jerry Stiller's loins.
7. Thou Shalt Use The Original "Ghostbusters" Song
As Run-D.M.C.'s ill-fated cover version from the second movie proved, lightning rarely strikes twice. Commissioning Usher to record "Ghostbusters 2011: Tha Sexxxxy Smoove Remix" would bring only pain and embarrassment to all parties. Ray Parker, Jr.'s original Huey Lewis ripoff is the only theme song anyone really needs in this third flick. That is, unless Hollywood feels like throwing Doug E. Fresh a bone by reusing his awesome "Spirit" from Ghostbusters II. That was the jam back in fifth grade.
8. Thou Shalt Not Cast Any Of The Jonas Brothers As Oscar
Look, Dana Barrett's child Oscar will be making some kind of appearance in GB3. It's just a hard fact we have to deal with. But we can kindly ask the filmmakers not to stunt-cast some teen sensation as Oscar just to ramp up ticket sales. The Jonases may be on their way out culturally, but they're all roughly the right age, and that should scare the hell out of every Ghostbusters fan alive. Think about it: tween girls are a huge demographic. You think they're gonna line up to see Dan Aykoryd's gut?
9. Thou Shalt Not Give The Ghost Logo A Three-Fingered Salute
Seriously, the ghost giving the peace sign was deeply lame, even back in '89. We all know it's the third movie; the logo doesn't need to reflect that.
10. Thou Shalt Not Go 3-D
Ghostbusters was never about the effects, as fun as they were. Ghostbusters was about the quips and the brotherhood and four schlubs standing up to adversity from the netherworld. Focus on the story, not the eye candy. The 3-D trend could look as dated as the third Jaws installment in a few years. Do we really want the third (and probably final) Ghostbusters chapter to evoke Dennis Quaid's acting nadir?