Deconstructing My Sexual Attraction to Steve Carell

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Something about Carell’s body language that makes it seem like he really would massage your breasts like they were bags of sand.

We’ve all grown to love Steve Carell: with his goofy charm and his down-to-earth demeanor, he loves deeply without demanding anything in return. Unlike other Hollywood comedians, his is a humor that comes straight from the heart. Which is why it might be unnerving to catch him this summer playing a villainous moon-snatcher in Despicable Me 2 and an outright asshole in The Way, Way Back. To honor the (hopefully) brief absence of the beloved persona that he’s created, here are a few of the ways Steve Carell has sprayed us with his boundless love. That's what she said.

1. His Everyday Man Persona

It seems like Steve Carell plays the same guy in almost every movie: the ordinary dude who doesn’t have any particular hobbies or sexual proclivities, but is a really good guy with great intentions. Dating an average Joe doesn't sound too appealing, but Carrell shows us that his placid demeanor belies a quiet search for value and meaning. Even watching him sitting depressed on a couch is emotionally stirring. I just want to spend my days feeding him Prozac and fucking away his sadness.

2. His Look of Tender Loving

He gives this look to Keira Knightley in Seeking A Friend for the End of the World, to Julianne Moore in Crazy, Stupid Love, and (most memorably) to the entire cast of The Office in…pretty much every episode. Stephen Colbert is the king of the smug eyebrow raise and DiCaprio rocks the grin of undying affection, but Steve Carell is the master of tender eyes. With a smile that says, “This person is so special and important to me, and it doesn’t even matter to me if they notice how much I love them,” his sincere, selfless devotion is the stuff modern fairytales are made of.

3. His Awkward College Professor Sense of Humor

With his receding hairline and preference for cozy Argyle sweaters, Carell already perfectly embodies the awkward college professor persona, even when he’s not also wearing his favorite pair of horn-rimmed glasses. Bonus: also like a college prof, his jokes are really lame. This will be a good argument diffuser as your marriage descends into old age.

4. His Need for Your Love

Steve Carell’s characters are the epitome of those guys sitting alone in bars desperately hoping someone will talk to them. While that isn’t generally considered a turn-on, Carrell's neediness takes on a wide eyed puppy wandering alone in the rain appeal. You just can’t help but want to swaddle him in kisses and make him feel loved.

5. His Adolescent Sexuality

OK, so this is the biggest hurdle to get over. Even if you haven’t seen 40-Year Old Virgin, there’s just something about Carell’s body language that makes it seem like he really would massage your breasts like they were bags of sand or rigidly lie on top of you like a plank during sex. That’s what made him so believable in the otherwise unfathomable role of a non-mutant man who hasn’t lost his virginity by the time he’s middle-aged. But there’s something about this retroactive innocence that’s kind of adorable, sort of combining the fantasy of seducing a teenage virgin and seducing one of your dad’s friends all in one.