Eight Celebrity Crushes Ruined by Scientology

Nothing kills our arousal like the mention of Xenu.


by Jeremy Popkin

We here at Nerve strive to promote diversity and acceptance whenever possible, but even we have a hard time finding a place for Scientology in our culture rainbows and bi-weekly non-heteronormative multiethnic hug circles. (Every other Friday at five p.m. at the Learning Annex!) Maybe it's our insecurity over our thetan levels, but Scientology is an instant turnoff, and it's a drag when a favorite celebrity lust object turns out to have bought into the whole money-sucking space opera. So in honor of Paul Thomas Anderson's kind-of-sort-of-but-not-entirely-a-biopic-of-L.-Ron-Hubbard, The Master, we'd look at those celebrities who've broken our suppressive hearts.

 

8. Leah Remini

Nine seasons of King of Queens were very nearly enough to kill any of our lingering fantasies of working at the Malibu Sands Beach Club with Remini during her Saved by the Bell days. But the former Ms. Stacey Carosi's close ties to Scientology — she hosted the opening gala for the church's one-stop family destination, the "Psychiatry: An Industry of Death" museum — make her bedroom-eyed, acerbic sex appeal just seem like garden-variety crazy.

 

7. Jenna Elfman

What is it with sitcom stars and Scientology? Elfman, whom you may remember from Dharma & Greg if you're comfortable with admitting that you watched Dharma & Greg, is one of five former sitcom stars on this list. Maybe the neverending slog of wacky hijinks and zany plots causes them to completely break from reality. Or most likely in Elfman's case, maybe L. Ron Hubbard comes across as a sound, rational mind when compared to Chuck Lorre. Either way, back in the day, Elfman was neck-and-neck with Debra Messing for the title of "most gorgeous actress in a middling prime-time sitcom," and now she's just another blonde enemy of psychiatry. Sigh.

 

6. Will Smith

How better to break the spirit of an entire generation than by having the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air declare Scientology "brilliant and revolutionary?" Smith maintains that he's still a Christian man, and the hundreds of thousands of dollars he donated to Scientology organizations were only part of the 1.3 million he gave to a number of different religious groups. But even if he's defended the world against countless alien incursions, we'd rather let the fresh-faced, jug-eared object of millions of '90s-era wet dreams remain just that, not a megaphone for L. Ron's nutso fiction.

 

5. Jason Lee

We liked Jason Lee. We enjoyed his turn as the exact same character in every Kevin Smith movie, and we liked that he's a really good skateboarder. He was the smirking bad boy we all wanted to get insulted and bedded by, in that order. But then we found out he abused his ex-wife. And named his human child Pilot Inspektor. And was in three Alvin and the Chipmunk movies. At this point, being a Scientologist is probably the least offensive thing he's done. Well, maybe after that mustache.

 

Commentarium

comments powered by Disqus