Six Unlikely Pop Culture New Year’s Resolutions For Other People

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Sarah Palin probably won’t stop tweeting. But we can dream.

I've never kept a New Year's resolution in my life, but that hasn’t kept from making new set of empty promises every January. This year, however, I thought that instead of holding myself to anything, why not make resolutions for the rest of the world? They’ll probably only stick to them for a week, but, oh, what a week it will be. World, please take note:

$#*! My Dad Says

Producers, stop making movies and TV shows based on Twitter

Yes, Hollywood, the internet is a grand place full of interesting and funny things. People have Twitter accounts with funny concepts, like writing all the shit your dad says. That doesn't mean that these things need to be expanded into thirty-minute-long shows for mass consumption. Like the pillaging of toys from my youth for movie fodder, this is a terrible idea. Please stop it.

Blue Valentine

Production companies, send the MPAA packing

With the recent fight over the NC-17 rating of Blue Valentine, (which eventually became an R), it's clearer than ever that the MPAA is a puritanical organization that would rather see a person blown apart than a person blown. Technically, films can skip the MPAA and go the Not Rated route — and plenty do it, and then suffer slow, unheralded deaths in arthouse theaters. Only when more movies start going this route will chain theaters consider playing unrated films. And then, maybe, it's goodbye MPAA. 

Sarah Palin

News media, ignore Sarah Palin until she actually does something

Let's get one thing straight: I know how ironic it is to rally against media coverage of half-term governor Sarah Palin by giving her coverage, but it really can't be helped. In what I hope to be the last thing I'll ever write about her, I ask the media not to cover her book signings, reality shows, and every ignorant thing she has managed to whittle down to 140 characters. She is using you to A) rally a base of people who can only understand soundbites and B) to make herself even wealthier. Quit being so “lamestream.”

Same-Sex Marriage

Everyone, stay out of relationships between two consenting adults

How amazing would it be if we could all just ignore the things that happen in other peoples’ sex lives? Think how much we'd get accomplished. It’s always been comical that someone would be crippled by the thought of same-sex marriage — "How am I supposed to enjoy this coffee when somewhere two men are kissing?" — but come on! It's 2011. Why not start paying more attention to your own sex life?  

Antoine Dodson

Internet, it’s time to retire memes when cable news starts reporting on them

It doesn't take much to jump the shark these days. Something that starts out on a blog or message board as an inside joke can end up everywhere in a matter of hours. Which is why, sometimes, we’ve got to let things go. Antoine Dodson was funny the first time he was on TV — when the meme was created. The second time? Not so much.

The office

TV shows, know when it’s time to retire

As much as it pains me to write this, 2011 should be the year we say goodbye to The Simpsons and The Office. The former will be entering its twenty-third season, while the latter is losing its lead actor, Steve Carell. As a Simpsons superfan (yes, I listen to the DVD audio commentaries), even I find it hard to defend the show these days. It'll be hard to see it go and tough to fill those Sunday nights, but the time has come. As for The Office, well, without Carell, the show will lose its heart. In the final episode, I’d like to see Jim pull an office prank that goes terribly wrong and kills everyone.