'Frey Soldier 1' never saw it coming.
In a series as bloodthirsty, blood-filled, and unsentimental as Game of Thrones, it comes as no large surprise that there are a lot of deaths. Like a bunch. Seriously, there's been 227 (Jackee's favorite number!) mentioned so far and the series is only part-way through the third book in George RR Martin's expansive series. In an attempt to make sense of them all and with Season 4 premiering April 6th, here is every death that has been show on the HBO series in order of importance.
OBVIOUS SPOILER WARNING. Read a book, watch a DVD, or steal your roommate's aunt's boyfriend's HBO GO password.
People Whose Names We Actually Remember
1. Catelyn Stark
Catelyn really got dealt a bad hand and that's saying something when you consider where she is playing. Just to break it down for you: Her betrothed (who she loves) is killed, his brother (who she doesn't know) is his replacement, new husband has a bastard, she has to move north (a.k.a. to the forever cold), family is scattered to the wind, her sister goes crazy, new hubby's head is chopped off, daughters are lost (and presumed dead), home is wrecked, two sons are presumed dead, her dad dies, one son is definitely dead, and to top it off, she gets her throat slit at her son's wedding. Now, pray tell Mr. Martin, what in seven hells did Catelyn do to you?
2. Eddard Stark
"How dare you!?! I was rooting for you! We were all rooting for you!" Oh, Ned. So noble. So courageous. So. Fucking. Stupid. I am seriously curious how he survived as long as he did. My guess is that up until the series started, he just stayed in his keep talking to white trees. Don't get me wrong, Ned is indeed a smart guy. He recognizes that Cersei isn't exactly a nice lady. He uncovers the incest. He even figures out why Jon Arryn was murdered. Why didn't he put that info to good use? Don't threaten everyone and their brother. Don't give secrets to the guy who has been in love with your wife for a lifetime! Don't think a little hand pin protects you! That said, he was an awesome dad and had a great beard.
3. Renly Baratheon
Renly suffered from Popular Guy Syndrome. He's the Gretchen when he thinks he's the Regina. "It's not my fault I'm pretty and popular" and have a hot as Dornish boyfriend. True, Renly. But it is your fault that you pissed off your brother's red witch. You could have had it all: a position on small council, Loras in your bed, and Brienne in your personal Rainbow Guard. Instead you got dead and subjected your bride-to-be to Joffrey. Well played, Gretch. (However he gets bonus points for being offed by a smoke queef.)
4. Khal Drogo
The most adorable arranged marriage ever, Khal became a total softy after Daenerys learned Dothraki. If it hadn't been for his own pride (and the possibly justified Ms. Maz Duur), Drogo might have raised his boy to conquer the whole world. But then we wouldn't have the show — or the dragons.
5. Robb Stark
First he leaves his family defenseless. Then he's all "Mom, I'm 22. I know how to run a country and win a war. Go away." Then he ruins everything by getting married for love instead of obligation and I'm supposed to feel bad? It wasn't cool how he went down, but he kind of definitely needed to go down. In your next life, listen to your mom and knock it off. You're not fooling anyone.
6. Jeor Mormont
Quite literally stabbed in the back, the commander of the Night's Watch had a rough life. There's his whole family issue, the living up in the cold all the time thing, and that damn raven. Will the thing ever stop f-ing squawking? But of course, it lives! George R. R. Martin hitting us where it hurts every time.
7. Qhorin Halfhand
He may have only had half a hand but this guy was all heart. He taught our dear Jon Snow the ways of ranging and sacrificed himself to save that symmetrical-faced bastard. And when I say sacrificed, I mean he let himself get stabbed/chewed on by a wolf. You'll be missed, Qhorin. Even if we can't pronounce your name.
8. Mirri Maz Duur
Blighted blood witch or evil sheep hag, whichever way you slice it, Mirri had power. Power that she used against the beloved Mother of Dragons, but still, props where props are due. Mirri acted the way she wanted and died for a cause she believed in. She was honorable, and other citizens of Westeros should take note.
"Ah-ah. Not. Guilty." Lady was by far the purest soul in all of Westeros and met the most unjust end. Even worse, Ned did it. C'mon, Stark. With Lady's death, so went Sansa's innocence and perhaps that's not such a bad thing. Seven gods know she'll need to toughen up if she wants to survive.
10. Robert Baratheon
That's right, you get nestled between the two wolves. You know why? Because you did nothing good for the kingdom after you made the kingdom. You're the reason Ned is dead. You're the reason Joffrey is king. You're the reason Cersei is on the eastern side of Westeros. Shame on you, Robert. Shame.
11. Grey Wind
He knew that they shouldn't be there. He knew, and what does he get? His head on a spike or pole or something. Hoisting implements may be up for debate, but Grey Wind's loyalty is not. He was the perfect companion and should be missed way more than his stubborn partner, Robb.
12. Viserys Targaryen
Is there a more satisfying death in Season 1? This guy spends nearly all his screen time degrading women, hurting his sister, and whining like the man-child he is. Watching Dany's new hubby give him what he always wanted was both gory, clever, and the sweetest ending to a wicked life.
Although she wasn't even a character in the novels, this loveable lady of the evening survived for a whole three seasons (longer than many a noble) before being cross-bowed to death by King Joffrey. If you've read the books, smile wide. If you haven't, go read them.
14. Talisa Stark
Not only was this totally not cool because Robb and everyone else ate under Lord Frey's roof, which should totally guarantee them safety, it was also only one of a few deaths at the dreaded Red Wedding. The fact that Talisa was with child just puts it over. I can't.
15. Pyat Pree
Exceedingly creepy and a serious mouth-breather, wizard and dragon thief Pyat needed three things: 1) Some moisturizer, 2) Some mouthwash, and 3) to die. I guess the final one sort of took care of one and two.
This Night's Watch recruiter helped shield Arya from seeing her father's head get lopped off and braved the Kingsroad with a loveable band of misfits only to die at the hands of stupid Lannisters. Thankfully, his sacrifice let Arya get away. If that girl is good at one thing, it's revenge.
17. Xaro Xhoan Daxos
Dany betrayer, dragon stealer, eventual vault-death haver. That sums up Mr. Daxos of Qarth, the greatest city that ever was or will be.
He gave us Gilly (yay incest?), and he helped the poor Night's Watch on their disastrous journey north. Aside from that, Craster is pretty forgettable. Sure, he's cruel, but so is pretty much everyone in Westeros.
19. Hoster Tully
He helped make what would become some of the most influential people in the Seven Kingdoms — and then he dies quietly in his sleep. An earned peace? Maybe. But there is still so much we wanted to learn from Hoster.
20. Jon Arryn
"Boys make passes [in this case with swords] at girls with glasses." If Jon Arryn had remembered this, taken his nose out of the damn family lineage books, and kept his eyes trained on his wine cup, all of everything might have been avoided. Repeat: Might.
People Who Had It Coming
21. The White Walker: You're creepy, you're immortal, and you tried to kill Sam. Perfect, innocent Sam. Boo! Take some Dragonglass to the face!
22. Master Torturer: It's in his name. He didn't just torture his victims. He was also in charge which means he probably tortured his torturers with side work and bureaucracy. True evil.
23. The Tickler: A close, personal employee of the Master Torturer. The Tickler was foe to prisoner and rat, alike.
24. Lorren: You don't support Theon. You just don't.
25. Mago: In a similar vein, don't call your Khal's bride a "whore."
26. Kraznys mo Nakloz: I thought we covered the "Don't call Dany a 'whore'" thing, especially when you're holding her dragon.
27. Rickard Karstark: You shouldn't kill children, even Lannisters. Bye!
28. Catspaw Assassin: You tried to murder a crippled child who has a wolf for a best friend. Really? Props to Catelyn for grabbing that dagger with zero hesitation.
29. Robar Royce: Brienne loved Renly and you accused her of his murder? Nope. Slay, Brienne! Slay!
30. Mandon Moore: Tyrion just saved all your squishy behinds and you tried to stab him, so, Pod stabbed you. He stabbed ya good.
31. Dagmer: Maester Luwin did nothing to you! He didn't do anything to anyone. Truly deserved.
32. Doreah: Have I not been clear? You don't fuck with Daenerys Targaryen. Unless you want to get locked in a vault.
People Who Definitely Earned Their Severance Pay
33. The Stable Boy: You impaled yourself on Arya's sword in what was basically your office. Maybe consider a different trade.
34. Irri: You were a loyal handmaiden, but you forgot the number one rule of office politics: Trust no bitch. Touché, Doreah.
35. Rodrik Cassel: Winterfell's Master-at-Arms wins two awards: One for amazing fealty/honor and the other for Best Facial Hair.
36. Septa Mordane: Good teacher. Bad run-away-from-er. For further inquires, see her head mounted on a spike.
37. Old Nan: It's not 100% clear when, but good ole Nan finally bit the big one of old age. She may be one of the only people in the show who met a natural end other than Hoster Tully.
38. Maester Luwin: Like Septa Mordane without the Arya hate, poor Luwin gave it all for his charges at Winterfell and will (hopefully) be avenged.
39. Rakharo: He went off in search of a city for his Khaleesi and instead got his head lopped off. Thankfully, they set a pyre so he can ride in The Night Lands.
40. Jory Cassel: Being the captain of the guard for a man like Nedd Stark who refuses to acknowledge any sort of red flags comes at a cost. That cost is life.
41. Winterfell Shepherd: When your place of business comes under new management, there's bound to be some downsizing.
42. Billy, the shepherd's assistant: Theon really wanted to bring in "his own people." Rough merger.
43. Varly: He was a House Stark guard. 'Nuff said.
44. Theon's Master of Hounds: Dear castle taker, here's what it feels like to have your castle taken. Sincerely, Ramsay Snow.
45. Mycah, the Butcher's Boy: An seldom recognized badass, Mycah wasn't taking any of Joffrey's shit and got cut in half. Fear not — Arya remembers you and she's not even close to done.
We Hardly Knew Ye: Worst to Best
46. Aegon I Targaryen: AKA Aegon the Conqueror. If he'd just left the Children of the Forest, The First Men, and whoever else be, maybe Lady the direwolf would still be alive. Yes, I'm still upset about Lady.
47. Hugh: He got killed by accident in a tourney, but damn was he pretty.
48. Waymar Royce: The White Walkers got you, but at least you made us aware of them!
49. Gared: Same as Waymar, and his name isn't as fun to say, so you'll probably be forgotten.
50. Will: You deserted the Night's Watch. Eddard chopped off your head. Theon kicked your head. I'm sad for you.
51. Wyl: Like Will, but with an annoying Y! Unlike Will, you're a House Stark guard. So, while Will might have died working for the Night's Watch, you're definitely gonna die on the job.
52. Heward: Also a Stark guard. Also very dead.
53. King's Landing Rioter: You didn't even have a name, but you tried to rape Sansa so insta-death to you.
54. Stiv: Another Night's Watch deserter. Another head on the ground.
55. Rhaego: Sure, he was supposed to be The Stallion Who Mounts the World, but a baby would-be world conqueror is still a baby.
56. Lommy Greenhands: One of Arya's roaming misfit riends had to be kidding when he said "You'll have to carry me." Yeah, lemme get right on that.
57. Joyeuse Eren Ford: Done got her throat slit by Catelyn.
58. Mero: Sellsword killed by Daario Naharis.
59. Amory Lorch: Killed by Jaqen in a debt to Arya.
60. Barra: One of Robert Baratheon's bastards. Baby-stabbed.
61. Alton Lannister: Killed by his cousin, Jaime.
62. Orell: Human body killed by Jon Snow. Currently living as an eagle and loving it.
63. & 64: Martyn and Willem Lannister: Revenge-murdered by Rickard Karstark.
65. Vardis Egen: Killed by Bronn in The Eyrie.
66. Prendahl Na Ghezn: Killed by Daario Naharis.
67. Frey Soldier 2: Freys are awful and you're number 2. The joke is already there.
68. Torrhen Karstark: Strangled by Jaime.
69. Silk King: For the last time, that's what happen when you mess with Dany.
70. Wallen: Wilding killed in the Godswood.
71. Oldman/Horse Breeder: Killed by Ygritte after Jon Snow knows nothing — again.
72. Tortured Prisoner: You get it.
73. Qotho: Killed by Jorah in honor of Dany.
74. Wendel Manderly: Casualty of the Red Wedding.
75. Matthos Seaworth: A dedicated son who died next to his dad in the Battle of Blackwater Bay.
76. Maester Cressen: Never try to poison a red fire witch who can birth shadows.
77. Spice King: See – Silk King.
78. Vayon Poole: If you're going to be a steward in Winterfell, have an up-to-date will.
79. Jafer Flowers: Silly Jafer. Flowers can't grow beyond the Wall.
80. Othor: At least you died with your friend Mr. Flowers.
81. Silver: Having matching hair with your horse is so Vaes Dothrak, Dany.
82. Tom: You try to kill Brienne when she's burying hookers, you die.
83. Stark Soldier: Tom's buddy, met the same fate.
84. Willis Wode: Died defending Catelyn. Not really long-term worth it.
85. Drennan: Ironborn sailor who's having a great time with his Drowned God.
86. Greizhen mo Ullhor: Slaver who got his from The Unsullied.
87. Jaremy Mallister: Stop trying to make Harrenhal happen.
88. Rennick: Lannister soldiers rarely fair better than Starks.
89. Lannister Guardsman: You get to go somewhere not even Cersei can follow.
90. Stygg: Ironborn pretty much equals deserves to die.
91. Gelmarr: More ironborn.
92. Harker: Last but not least of the Night's Watch on this somber list.
93. Frey Soldier 1: Not only did you die at the Red Wedding when all of your friends were either celebrating or murdering, but Arya kills you. She tricks you and stabs you and you deserve it.
Images via Game of Thrones Wikia