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Christmas is downright wholesome — the tiny baby Jesus, the immaculate conception, that full glass of 2% milk you left out for Santa. But we here at Nerve aren’t much for sugar plum fairies. We have more pressing concerns, like providing you with a heaping handful of smut on this chilly Christmas morning. Step away from your family, put down the eggnog (you’ll bloat), and settle into your coziest chair. It’s going to be a filthy ride.

My New Re-Virginity by Steve Almond

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“This is something I’m deciding for me,” my girlfriend said. “For us.”

Couplings by Robert Olen Butler

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In bed with Princess Di, Josephine Baker and Anne Boleyn.

C*ck in a Box by Mary Kann 

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“It arrived on Wednesday. The package had no return address.”

The Prince by David Ryan

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“The prince thought, You may feel some minor discomfort. And then: You have the right to remain silent.”

Water, Water Everywhere by Julia Slavin

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“I knew about a man who could only ejaculate if a woman bent over on a bathroom saying, ‘I’ve got to lose five,’ as he entered her from behind.”