FMK: July Movies

Fuck, marry, kill: Batman, Spider-Man, Oliver Stone. Now you see our dilemma.

by Alex Heigl

Ah, fuck, marry, kill. A time-honored parlor game played amongst friends, not unlike charades, or possibly quoits, whatever those are. To further that spirit of boisterous erotically charged debate between chums, we’d like to introduce you to our newest Nerve calendar. The rules are simple: three anticipated pop-culture items, three iconic verbs. Allons-y!
 

Monolithic Über-Blockbuster Bracket

The Amazing Spider-Man (July 3)

Director: Marc Webb
Starring: Andrew Garfield, Emma Stone, Rhys Ifans
IMDb Says: “Peter Parker finds a clue that might help him understand why his parents disappeared when he was young. His path puts him on a collision course with Dr. Curt Connors, his father's former partner.”

I’ll admit I was skeptical that there was any reason to reboot this franchise just over a decade after the original, but the trailer and the roster of talent associated with the film have been gradually changing my mind. Is it sacrilegious to suggest that this’ll be better than The Dark Knight Rises? I almost want to do that, even if I don’t really believe it in my heart.

Verdict: Fuck

Savages (July 6)

Director: Oliver Stone
Starring: Aaron Johnson, Taylor Kitsch, Blake Lively, Benicio Del Toro
IMDb Says: “Pot growers Ben and Chon face off against the Mexican drug cartel who kidnapped their shared girlfriend.”

It’s not that I don’t love Oliver Stone. But between the too-pretty to be real duo of Blake Lively and Taylor Kitsch as leads and Stone’s track record as of late (his most recent film was Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps, remember?), this one’s caught between the rock of Spider-Man and the hard place of Dark Knight Rises. Best to mercifully lay it to rest.

Verdict: Kill
 

The Dark Knight Rises (July 20)

Director: Christopher Nolan
Starring: Christian Bale, Tom Hardy, Anne Hathaway, Michael Caine, many others
IMDb Says: “Eight years after Batman took the fall for Two-Face's crimes, a new terrorist leader, Bane, overwhelms Gotham's finest, and the Dark Knight resurfaces to protect a city that has branded him an enemy.”

Do you think anticipation for this might be running a tad high? Personally, I think some of the fawning over The Dark Knight is largely due to Heath Ledger — that whole “prisoners and citizens on boats” climax was the kind of moral conflict an eighth-grader would dream up, and Inception’s spectacle largely glossed over its shortcomings as a narrative. All that said: Tom Hardy will be there, things will blow up real good, Anne Hathaway will be wearing leather, and, if nothing else, this will be a fun blockbuster and an appropriately bombastic finish to a beloved trilogy.

Verdict: Marry