At Least It’s Two Hours in A/C Bracket

Katy Perry: Part of Me (July 5)

Director: Dan Cutforth and Jane Lipsitz
Starring: Katy Perry and presumably several of her worker-drones.
IMDb Says: “A documentary that chronicles Katy Perry's life on and off-stage.”

Much as “part of me” literally wants to fuck Katy Perry, there is absolutely nothing about this self-serving cash grab that deserves to see the light of day. I am sure of two things, though: it will make scads of money and it will warp thousands of young girls irreversibly. Oh, and it represents a new low for American music and cinema. Three things.

Verdict: Kill

Step Up Revolution (July 27)

Director: Scott Speer
Starring:  Kathryn McCormick, Ryan Guzman, Peter Gallagher
IMDb Says: “Emily arrives in Miami with aspirations to become a professional dancer. She sparks with Sean, the leader of a dance crew whose neighborhood is threatened by Emily's father's development plans.”

First of all, why did they not go with original title Step Up Forever? Second of all, Peter Gallagher. Third of all, have you ever been with a dancer? In the end, it’s not worth the eating disorders, leotards draped all over everything, and overall insanity, but it is an eye-opening experience. The Step Up movies have always had a kind of stupid, sexy charm to them, and this one will probably be no exception.

Verdict: Fuck

Ice Age: Continental Drift (July 13)

Director: Steve Martino and Mike Thurmeier
Starring: Ray Romano, Denis Leary, John Leguizamo, Aziz Ansari
IMDb Says: “Manny, Diego, and Sid embark upon another adventure after their continent is set adrift.”

Ray Romano is a tired-sounding mammoth! Denis Leary is a tough-sounding saber-tooth tiger! John Leguizamo and Aziz Ansari are incredibly grating! But Peter Dinklage will be there. And if there’s one thing I’ve learned in the past year or so, it’s that I have a weird thing for Peter Dinklage. Even his voice is sexy.

Verdict: Marry

Agree? Disagree? Leave your own FMK pairings for these brackets in the comments!