Inside Your New Favorite Instagram: The TSA

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Under the file of “Amazing Instagram Accounts You’re Not Following” is the one and only Transportation Security Administration. That’s right; the TSA’s Instagram account is an unintentionally hilarious exhibit of the crazy crap confiscated from people attempting to board planes, and the many ways they attempt to disguise them. Wrap a live grenade in packing tape? Why not. Put baggies of heroin inside this copy of the bible? Of course. So in the interest of avoiding being put on the No Fly List, check out this crash course in social media via the government’s favorite pat-down enforcers.

First off is this glamorous portrait of a grenade… in disguise. I just imagine the owner of this was like, “Oh hey, I brought my grenade in my luggage, but they probably won’t see it because I covered it up with yellow tape.” I mean, yellow is pretty much the loudest color known to man. But the best part is in the comments: “When life gives you lemons… wait that’s a grenade!!”

Ah yes, bear mace. I personally don’t go anywhere without bear mace. Actually, I didn’t even know bear-specific mace was a thing. I thought there was just one general line of eye-scorching poison and everyone had to use that to temporarily blind their friends and family.

Judging from the many pictures on the TSA’s Instagram account, combs are apparently one of the hottest ways to smuggle a blade onto an airplane these days. Forget a switchblade — you can just pack your dangerous weapons amongst your haircare products.

This inert projectile comes to us from the Midwest. Inert Projectile. I don’t even know what that means. I immediately associate “projectile” with vomiting, but that’s just me. I’m guessing this is some sort of war tool, which I’m sure you need to fight those daily battles in America’s heartland.

This may be the most festive of the bunch. “These utility blades were discovered concealed behind a Scooby Doo greeting card.” Not just any greeting card. A Scooby Doo greeting card. Like, can you imagine running into CVS and being like, “Hmmmm which greeting card would best disguise my deadly weapon?” But my favorite party of this one may actually be some of the comments like, “How is he supposed to cut his snacks now?” and “My brother was supposed to get me a birthday card with a razor in it. It’s not a party until someone gets shived.”

“Everything you see in this picture was discovered on one carry-on bag at the Houston airport.” Well, I mean it is Texas, and I’m pretty sure most Texans travel with an arsenal anyway. But the kicker comes next: “When properly packed and declared, they can be packed in your checked baggage.” Oh, awesome.

“These narcotics were discovered in a hollowed out book. While the TSA is not looking for narcotics, we report them to the proper authorities when discovered.” There are so many special treats going on right here. First is someone traveling with a giant textbook about economics or something. Second is the TSA’s claim that they’re not looking for narcotics. Oh really? Were you just hoping to take a quick glance at my dirty laundry? Of course you’re looking for drugs. That’s like, probably the best part about working for your job, besides being able to operate one of those golf carts in the airport.

This I cannot even speak about. I may have nightmares and need years of follow up therapy.

Basically, they’re just saying “we understand that you need this fake bomb for your job, but please refrain from trying to board our airplane with it.”

The TSA paid tribute to the veterans by pushing them through the airport? Isn’t this just like, common courtesy for anyone over the age of 80?

Credit card knives. 28 of them. But saying “please make sure you know what’s in your wallet prior to arriving to the airport” is kind of funny, seeing as I’m gonna take a shot in the dark and say the person who tried to put these in their wallet was definitely clued in on the situation. These isn’t the typical random crap you find in your wallet, like months-old Pinkberry receipts and five of those folded Bed Bath and Beyond coupons you get in the mail every other week.

81 POUNDS. Do you know how much weed that is? Did they actually believe they could get this through without anyone noticing? They’re not even trying to disguise it. Maybe they were totally blazed when they packed or something, and forgot.

A bejeweled lipstick taser. I mean I kind of want one of these, because it’s brilliant. Say a guy won’t leave you alone in a bar? Bzzzzz, you got tased, bro. And I mean, it was found in Detroit, where a gal probably could utilize a good taser once in a while.

Wut. It’s a grenade…made to look like a bug. But what I really like is the TSA’s foray into comedy in the caption: “This modified grenade was discovered at the SLC airport and was eventually determined to be as harmless as a fly.” A fly. It’s a grenade shaped like a fly. See what they did there?

Ah yes, a novelty alarm clock. Where do you think they got this, Spencer Gifts circa 1994? Who has a clock that looks like a bomb? Pretty sure I’d be calling Keanu Reeves to come save me and diffuse it if I ever saw this.

It’s okay guys, I wrapped my speargun in packing tape so nobody will know it’s a dangerous weapon.

Nice costume watch, bro.