Gift Advice from… MILFs, Poets, Juggalos, et. al.

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Holiday gift suggestions from some of our expert friends.

Lelo Mia Rechargeable Vibrator - Mark, Sex Shop Worker

Mark, sex-shop worker
Lelo Mia Rechargeable Vibrator

For all those Scrooges out there who say "screw the holidays!”  I would counter with, "let’s screw during the holidays!" There is a very subtle art in deciding on the right sex toy gift. The goal isn't to shock and terrify. It’s more about providing a gift that is both functional and effective. Something you know they will use and won’t hide in the back of their closet. I would probably recommend the Lelo Mia rechargeable vibe. Its stylish design allows it to easily pass as a memory stick or lipstick. But its multi-functions and speeds guarantee it will deck her halls.


A Sewing Machine - Dirty Byrd, Juggalo

Dirty Byrd, Juggalo
A Sewing Machine

The most important person in my life is my girl, so I’m going with a sewing machine — not one of those old pawnshop machines like she used to have, but one of those new computerized high-tech ones. She’ll go to town on thing, man! Just bananas. She’ll get like thirty Juggalo shirts on eBay, cut ‘em up, and then make tube tops out of them. She doesn’t make stuff for me because I’m not into tube tops, but sometimes she’ll take one of my old shirts and maybe a pair of shorts and put them together and make some cool shit out of that. She also made a sweet cape for her little brother —like a little Juggalo/vampire cape. It’s fun for her. Plus, she doesn’t like jewelry and shit like that; she likes stuff she can use. And I love her.


NYC MessQueen Leggings - Janessa, Bike Messenger

Jenessa, bike messenger
NYC MessQueen Leggingz

Aren’t you tired of hopping into bed with a fellow bike enthusiast only to find them wearing unattractive long johns? To stay warm in the winter months, bike messengers have to wear some type of leggings. Only trouble is, they are usually ugly and not at all erotic. Problem solved: give that special someone a pair of NYC MessQueen Leggingsz designed by local designer and biker Courtney Gamble. With wild, crazy prints and that spandex cling, they will assure you handle at least one package come Christmas Eve!


NYC Ballet tickets - Eric, Ballet Dancer

Eric, ballet dancer
Ballet tickets

This holiday season, ballet is momentarily relevant, edgy and sexy. (Thanks, Darren Aronofsky!) Seriously, Natalie Portman’s masturbation scene in Black Swan was so titillating that I, a devout homosexual, felt a tightening in my pants. I have this theory that they actually put Mila Kunis on a 1,200 calorie/day diet, not to slim her down to waif-ish ballerina size, but rather to ensure she’d be thrillingly ravenous for the cunnilingus scene.

Suffice it to say, if you’re looking for a sexy gift for that special someone this holiday season, why not get him or her tickets to the ballet? New York City Ballet’s winter season is right around the corner. Do you like watching evil temptresses threading thick, red-velvet capes between their legs, or just menstruation metaphors in general? Then Prodigal Son is the ballet for you. Or if you just want to ride the Black Swan hype, NYCB will be presenting the staid classic, Swan Lake, in its entirety in February.


Netflix Instant - Jill, Poet

Jill, poet
Netflix “Instant Only”

Despite its pagan history, unpack the word Christmas and you’ll be reminded that it’s essentially a Christian holiday: Christ’s Mass.  So happy two-thousand-and-tenth birthday, Jesus!  Ergo, the most important person on your Christmas list, folks, is the Lord, right?  But what to gift the King of Kings?  Myrrh and the like have been done.  A sweater seems chintzy and a gift card, thoughtless. Fruit basket? A MacBook Pro? A tree planted in Israel? For my part, I’m gifting the one thing my spam folder suggests might be the perfect holiday choice for the man who has everything: a Netflix “instant only” subscription.


NY Giants Beer Helmet - Scott, Young Republican

Scott, young Republican
NY Giants Beer Helmet

My buddy and I are huge football freaks —Giants fans, of course. We go to as many games as possible. The best part is tailgating: beer pong, flip cup, grilling dogs, and meeting hot, drunk chicks. I think a cool gift for him would be one of those drinking helmets where you can put two cans of beer on the sides. Straws come out of them so you can drink faster. He’d definitely appreciate that.


Carstache - Charles, Marathon Runner

Charles, marathon runner

Your first Carstache feels like your first kiss, cold beer, snow cone, and slow dance all wrapped in one. It's glorious! So what could say more, or less, than giving your best friend a Carstache, the global leader in automotive facial hair. Driving your car with a Carstache is like driving your own presidential motorcade, as others will pull to the side just to see you pass. So strap on a 'stache, buckle up, and enjoy the ride!


Elizabeth Reaser poster - Denise, MILF

Denise, MILF
Elizabeth Reaser poster

It sounds cheesy, but my best friend is my husband… for the shit we’ve put up with from each other over the years, it’s got to be that way. Every marriage is going to have its ups and downs, and we have had plenty of lows where we couldn’t stand the sight of each other, let alone have sex with each other. I’d probably get him an “in-case-of-future-lows” poster of Elizabeth Reaser. She plays Esme Cullen in the Twilight series and he loves her. I’d say that’s a pretty cool gift: giving your husband another MILF for Christmas.


Dinner at The River Cafe - Nick, French person

Nick, French person
Dinner at The River Cafe

We French have long had a fascination with the American South, and as Mississippi writer Barry Hannah once wrote: "Nothing in the world matters but you and your woman. Friendships and politics go to hell." This Christmas, I plan on taking my girlfriend out to one of the most romantic restaurants in the city — The River Cafe.  Tucked under the Brooklyn Bridge, it overlooks the water and the downtown Manhattan skyline. My girlfriend is American with a reciprocal love for France, and the New American cuisine on the menu is laced with French influence.  This is not a gift that you can wrap or wear around your neck, but going to a top restaurant is anything but a fleeting experience — it's a memory in the making. I'll also get her a DVD just so I have something to wrap.