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Here’s How To Make Your Own Personalized Nymphomaniac Poster Like A European Film Critic

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Here’s How To Make Your Own Personalized Nymphomaniac Poster Like A European Film Critic

American film critics aren’t on it yet, but that doesn’t mean you can’t be.

The posters for Nymphomaniac, Lars von Trier's latest very long, very explicit, and very written-about film — a film for which notable plagiarist and former Even Steven Shia LaBeouf auditioned by sexting his penis — feature pictures of various cast members in the throes of ecstasy. In the way of artfully shot close-ups of beautiful people having orgasms, the results are visually arresting, memorable, and sexy. 

And European film critics want in on the action. They may or may not end up being into the actual movie — Nymphomaniac doesn't actually come out until late March — but, as the Wire points out, they are definitely into the posters. First, the Danish National Association of film critics showed off their O-faces to rev people up for their annual Bodil Awards. Not to be outdone by Shia and the Danes, Polish critics made their own set of Nymphomaniac posters, although unlike their predecessors, they don't seem to actually be advertising anything.

Then, because better late than never, Hungarian critics did their own photo shoot for a national "Movies Turn Us On" campaign. The Wire notes that our own National Society of Film Critics has been totally delinquent with their own series — they say it like that's a good thing — but that doesn't mean you can't stage your own personal Nymphomaniac poster series. We can't all sit around waiting for David Denby to do everything. 

Excited? Here's how to make it happen like a European film critic:

Get sweaty.

Team Poland really nailed this one. Take a lesson from Artur Zaborsky and Anita Zuchora and make yourself extra-dewy. None of the other national attempts really capture the sheen of coitus like these guys.

Keep your glasses on.

I mean, if you want. It's less "I am a nymphomaniac" and more "I am a film critic," but if two of the Hungarians and one of the Danes can make it work — and they can — then why not you? 

Take risks. 

The actual movie posters mostly feature actors demonstrating fairly conventional orgasmic behavior — heads back, lips parted — but that doesn't mean you've got to limit yourself. The Hungarian critics are pretty well-served by some slightly bolder posing. Vízer Balázs, for example, has a nice fist-in-mouth thing going. Kovács Gellért is working a kind of Christic look.

Font matters.

What you want here is Minion. Sweat and glasses and fists are nice, but any photo of a solo mostly-naked person on a cream background can be a Nymphomaniac publicity shot if it’s got a name — your name — across the front in purple Minion. (Approximately RGB 157-2-119, if you’re serious about this.)

Poland

Hungary

Denmark

Images via 1, 2, 3