Ban This Thing

Ban Father’s Day (and All the Other Stupid Holidays, Too)

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Ban Father’s Day. No, seriously, ban Father’s Day. This isn’t just the rant of an anti-consumerist hippie, but rather, a rant against dumb, stupid non-holidays like Father’s Day.

Father’s Day, much like many other days bestowed upon our American holiday calendar, in which we adore and adulate a person for 24 hours, is bullshit. I don’t mean to sound like one of those Hallmark-hating weirdos who says that “every day should be [insert title here] day!” because that’s not really my logic. Yes, you should treat your dad like a king every day, especially if he pays your phone bills well into your 20s like mine does, but Father’s day is crap for more than just the fact that you’re a selfish shit the other 364 days of the year. It’s crap moreso because people who only get one day a year to be celebrated, well, they’re usually never going to be quite so happy with how the celebrations turned out. Expectations, after all, are a bitch.

Take my dad for example. If you buy him a present, he will be very upset, because you’re wasting your money, and plus, anything worth having he has hoarded in triplicate around the house over the last few years anyways. If you don’t buy him a present, however, he will dejectedly remind you that when you demanded Christmas gifts be reinstated in the family, he is the only one who didn’t get one, so why should Father’s Day be any different? Then there will be the brunch, in which all of us are late getting to my parent’s house, no one has picked a restaurant, everyone will offer a different choice, my dad will yell, “There are too many captains!”, one of us, in an effort to streamline the process, will acquiesce with a passive-aggressive “I’ll eat whatever, I don’t care,” my dad will retort, “Whatever is not on the menu anywhere,” we’ll finally find a place on Yelp that my mom swears she’s heard of that in actuality will turn out to be a fratty cheap Mexican restaurant designed to get college students drunk, everyone will be hangry because this process took four hours when we should have finalized it weeks ago, so then the drive will become unbearable, my sister and I will snap at each other, my parents will fly in the face of modern parenting advice and pick a side anyways, tears will be shed by the unpicked child, and that’s all before we even check in and find out that it’s a 45 minute wait, and no they don’t take reservations on Father’s Day.

That is why Father’s Day sucks. Ditto Administrative Professional’s Day. I answer your phones thanklessly, and all you can get me is an empty mug one day a year, when I’ve had yours filled and on your desk every other day of the year? Fuck you. An equal middle finger to Groundhog’s Day, because aside from being a great movie, a rodent isn’t causing winter to last longer, it’s just propaganda from Al Gore, climate change isn’t real, silly. Adios, Cinco de Mayo, I will drink tequila and misappropriate Mexican culture on my schedule, thanks. Presidential holidays are pretty dumb too, but they give us days off work, so those can stay for now.

But the rest? We’re already at peak holiday, what with all the National Grilled Cheese Days this, and May the Fourth Be With You Star Wars Days that. At this rate, the only holiday left will be death, the sweetest reprieve from the litany of idiotic holidays you’ve had to keep track of all these years. It’s too late to nip this in the bud, so I instead propose a complete abolishment of all holidays that don’t get you time off of work/school/whatever you do all day that is less pleasurable than laying in bed watching Friends reruns.

Except Mother’s Day. Dear god, that woman pushed your giant head out of a one inch wide canal, what are you, a monster?