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The Cynic’s Guide to Relationships: Louis C.K. on Love and Sex

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"There are millions of people out there who we've all decided are lightspeed ugly and no one even kisses them on the lips."

In Louis C.K.’s new comedy special, Oh My God, aired this past weekend on HBO. And it was good. His dry social commentary and general mockery of humankind never disappoints. In the hour-long special, C.K. tackles topics like the difficulty of putting socks on in the morning, flushing his daughter's pet fish down the toilet, and the problems with nut allergies. But if we've learned anything from C.K.'s past comedy specials, it's that some of his best side-splitting material comes from that mystical moment when two people take their clothes off, touch bodies, and have sex. Oh My God covers hand jobs at carnivals, dedication to squeezing boobs, and even erotic scenes in The Grapes of Wrath. And if you're wondering, his sex life is better now, at 45, than it has ever been in his life.

But it's not all smiles and erections; C.K. pushes against the age-old, pseudo-comforting idea that "there's someone for everyone."  He reminds us, "There are millions of people out there who we've all decided are lightspeed ugly and no one even kisses them on the lips." He sums it up with a succinct, "Nobody fucks down." 

But Louis is a little more optimistic when it comes to dating. He says it makes him happy, because it means people are "still trying." Despite the fact that "[Men] are the number one threat to women in the world," women still agree to go on dates with men. He asks the male members of his audience if they would agree to go out alone with what is, statistically speaking, a "lion-bear hybrid." 

This isn’t the first time C.K. has waxed poetic—and hilarious—about doing the dirty. To jog your memory, and prep you for the new special (if you haven't already seen it) we've compiled C.K.'s best material on sex and love. You can thank us later.

C.K's sex drive hasn't waned with age. In this clip, he talks about his constant struggle to keep his mind free of dirty thoughts. “I just wanna be a person in clothes walking in a store,” he laments. He also solves the eternal mystery of why women love to cuddle after sex: “She’s not needy, you idiot! She’s horny! Because you did nothing for her.” Comedy often speaks the truth.

 

C.K. calls a handjob from his wife “the saddest thing that ever happened in America.” And as this bit goes on, you start to think he might be right.

 

Part of the draw of Louis C.K.'s comedy is his cultural commentary veiled in humor. Rather than relying on shock comedy, C.K. uses real-life, potential mundane anecdotes about how he doesn't get laid to slyly remark on the issue of consent.

 

C.K.'s political leanings seem to lean towards whatever party "just do your own thing" is. Here, he throws this logical wrench in the gears of the argument that homosexuality is destroying other people's lives: “Nobody’s being gay at you.”

 

On the difficulty of finding places to jerk off in his own home: “You have to hide. Because when your wife catches you masturbating, that’s sad for the whole family.” Sounds sexy to me.