Butts look really good on Vimeo.
Music was pretty damn sexy in 2012 — thanks largely to Frank Ocean's Channel Orange and the fact that LMFAO broke up — but there were a few music videos that stuck out in their swoon-worthiness. Browse through our list and for the love of God, don't get lotion on your keyboard.
10. Le1f, "Wut"
Le1f shows off his dance moves, while I cry because I can't mimic them well enough. He grinds, twirls his gum, and perches on the lap of a naked, glistening man wearing a plastic Pikachu mask. It reminds me of every time I had a crush in middle school.
NEXT: "It's like a half-naked, fucked-up, Easter-egg hunt…"
9. Die Antwoord, "Baby's On Fire"
Have you seen that one Die Antwoord video where a lion eats Lady Gaga? This is not that video, though someone does end up bleeding from the mouth. But up until that gory-ish moment, this video is sexy. Like a half-naked, fucked-up, Easter-egg hunt. In the pastel-hued video, Die Antwoord members Ninja and Yolandi play a brother-sister duo who just don't see eye-to-eye on Yolandi's new motorcycle-riding boyfriend. Things to look for: a smiley-face bra, bikini-clad women wrestling in a kiddie pool, and a quick glimpse of man-pubes.
NEXT: "Helena Bonham Carter has a mattress delivered to the library…"
8. Rufus Wainwright, "Out Of the Game"
The librarian who lets her hair down at the end of the day is a classic fantasy. But it's not just Helena Bonham Carter dolled up as a lonely bookworm that's gonna make your toes curl. I'll give you a hint: in the video, Bonham Carter has a mattress delivered to the library — and it's not so she can snuggle up with War and Peace.
NEXT: "It's more about thigh strength and control than the size of your butt…"
7. Lady, "Twerk"
I love twerking. If you have some free time, you really should practice doing it. It's the only way to get better. This video, for Lady's — I'll say it — great song "Twerk," is a good place to start. In fact, it's pretty much just a twerking demonstration against a white background, which is helpful, because then you don't have a forest or a club scene distracting you from the matter at hand. Pro-tip: I've been told successful twerking is more about thigh strength and control than the size of your butt. So don't get discouraged, my small-butted friends.
NEXT: "There's nothing like changing up your sleeping setting to spark up your sexing…"
6. Hunx, "Private Room"
Hunx and His Punx scream sex with a capital X, but Seth Bogart's solo project, Hunx, is usually more subdued. The video for "Private Room" is on the romantic side of sexy, with Bogart rolling around in rose petals on primary-colored beds, proving once and for all that there's nothing like changing up your sleeping setting to spark up your sexing.
NEXT: "Put together her silicone pout, ass-cheek-grazing denim cutoffs, and tattooed lover…"
5. Lana Del Rey, "Born to Die"
Look, whatever you have to say about LDR, which is probably a lot, it's hard to argue that she doesn't have a certain je ne sais quoi — even if it's a kind of monotonous je ne sais quoi that was carefully put together in her record label's Office of Strategic Je Ne Sais Quoi Visibility Initiatives. When you put together her silicone pout, ass-cheek-grazing denim cutoffs, and tattooed lover, and throw them in a car on a warm summer's eve, you've got the epitome of sexy. And maybe an erection.
NEXT: "St. Vincent's writhing like she got into the PCP jar…"
4. David Byrne and St Vincent, "Who"
My sister said this video gave her an anti-boner because "there aren't even any tits or anything." But not everything has to be fleshy to be sexy; sometimes all you need is David Byrne dancing like he doesn't have any joints, St. Vincent writhing like she got into the PCP jar, and a black and white thunderstorm-y setting. It's all about the aesthetic, people.
NEXT: "He's suddenly awash in a parade of beautiful women…"
3. Ariel Pink's Haunted Graffiti, "Only In My Dreams"
I think Ariel Pink is better than most people, so it sucks to see him get dumped at the beginning of this video. But then, as he's moping around in the post-breakup slump we all know so well, he's suddenly awash in a parade of beautiful women. And then when he meets up with his ex-love, the parade of beautiful women comes to his ego's rescue. Here's to optimistic moments in 2012!
NEXT: "Looks like she could kick your ass and still be ready for an all-night barbeque rager."
2. Azealia Banks, "Liquorice"
This was the year of Azealia Banks, according to like, everyone (except for all those people who thought she was just Tumblr in human form or whatever), and this video explains why. With her American-flag crop top and that drastic 2K12 ombre, Banks looks like she could kick your ass and still be sexily dewy and ready for an all-night barbeque rager. Plus, the part when she squeezes that condiment-saturated hot-dog bun never fails to make me feel giddy.
NEXT: The sexiest music video of 2012!
1. Frank Ocean, "Pyramids"
"Pyramids" is the textbook definition of sexy: the hero on a motorcycle, fleeting glimpses of nipple, and dim, sepia-toned lighting. Ocean is studly enough to carry the video on his own, but it does help that John Mayer shows up for a lengthy guitar
jerk-off session solo. On top of that you've got the music, which could make a trip to the dentist's office arousing.