Oscar Losers Will Walk Away With New, Sensitive Vaginas

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So much for a "boobie" prize.

On March 2nd, while the rest of us are performing sacrifices to the weather gods in hopes of an early spring, movie stars from near and far will be sweating it out at the Dolby Theatre for the 86th Annual Academy Awards. Possibly the grandest of Hollywood's masturbatory practices, the Oscars are the pinnacle of award season — and banging swag bags. 

For those unfamiliar with the practice: Swag bags (originally linked to pirates, why not?) are so-called "gift bags" that are given out at major award shows. According to US Weekly, this is the 15th year Distinctive Assets will supply a celeb-worthy assortment of products and services to the entertainers nominated in several top categories.

It's pretty much typical fare: water purification systems, maple syrup, a related maple tree and, oh, vagina rejuvenation. Known as an O Shot procedure, the included treatment is "a nonsurgical procedure that uses the growth factors each woman has in her own body to stimulate vaginal and clitoral rejuvenation to activate the Orgasm System," according to EternaMD. Beginning with an injection to your clit and inside the vagina to stimulate new sensitive cell growth, the O Shot procedure promises to help with incontinence, arousal, and orgasm

A bit of a dark horse in the goodie bag pantheon (at least at non-Hollywood events), a vagina rev-up could be just the pick-me-up an Oscar non-winner might need, if they have a vagina. The prize bags, valued at $80,000, have the potential to be given to men (losers in the Best Actor, Best Supporting Actor, and Best Director categories) begging the question: How do you re-gift a vagina rejuvenation? Is it an in-person "Don't take this the wrong way" sort of thing, or more of a leave-in-an-unmarked-envelope-on-the-gift-table maneuver? 

Don't look at me for an answer. I'm not an Academy Award-winning actor, but now I sort of want to be — if only for the sensitive, cell-growing vag shot. 

[h/t New York]

Image via Adam Rifkin