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Life-Changing Sex Advice, According to Killer Shark Movies
There's plenty of fish in the sharknado, as they say.
By Johannah King-Slutzky
Sharknado, a made for TV movie authored by somebody predictably named "Thunder," premiered Thursday night on ScyFy and we're taking it pretty seriously. Barack Obama refused to comment on the possible existence of a shark-twister contingency plan but at Nerve we're chock full of patriotism and we'll comment all we please. Here's our life-changing sex advice as told by killer sharks movies.
The quote: “We can't just wait here when sharks are raining down on us.”
The lesson: Don't let a good thing pass you by; be proactive. When a gaggle of comely men or women enters a room, don't wait: select your target and pursue em, full speed ahead. Be the change you want to see in the world. Harpoon the shark you want to harpoon in the world. Carpe diem, veni vidi vici, amen.
The quote: "I don't know Chief, he's either very smart or very dumb."
The lesson: If you want to engage in a game of late night poking, play up what makes you different. (OKCupid profile analysis confirms it.) You'll be at your most attractive when you tend toward extremes. If you can convey your unconventionality with an air of mystery, you'll be even better off. This isn't just a Jaws classic, it's a sitcom classic. Think of Jordan Catalano: he's either very smart or very dumb, but he's definitely bangable.
3. Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus
The quote: “No one can conclusively say [pause] the shark was killed.”
The lesson: When breaking up with your S.O., make sure you give it a clean break. Breakup sex happens, old flames re-ignite, and ailing relationships are bound to get messy. But if you state your intent clearly and calmly, the chances of your ex drunk dialing you at 4AM on a Saturday night are slim. Throw a metaphorical oil drum at that fling like you're a weathered seaman with the gravel voice to match.
The quote: “The Navy said they wanted a killing machine, that's exactly what I gave them. But greatness comes at a price.”
The lesson: Go ahead and hone your game but keep in mind that knowing all the right moves also means forgetting which moves are genuinely your own. There's nothing wrong with gaming the system; we all do it. But if you're only ever "playing the game" you'll lose the ability to genuinely relate to your conquests.
5. Deep Blue Sea
The quote: “That's impossible! Sharks do not swim backwards, they can't!” (Samuel L. Jackson)
The lesson: Remain forward looking. If you've been through a recent breakup it's tough not to reminisce-- just don't talk about your ex on a first date. You're a mean, green, immune-to-Alzheimers jumbo shark. You swim forwards.