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The Top 5 Contemporary Comic Books We’d Like To See In Porn

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The longer this list gets the more obvious it is to me why comic book porn wish lists aren't common as air: they're incredibly weird.

A study has found that superhero parody porn outsells all other kinds (except celebrity sex tapes). The finding follows on the heels of big budget porno Man Of Steel XXX: A Porn Parody, one of the most expensive movies of its kind ever made. At a budget of $100,000, Man Of Steel XXX is outspent only by the seventies classic Caligula. Here are 5 suggestions for upcoming superhero features from a fresher, weirder stock.

5. The Teens of Black Hole

One of the problems with compiling a list of contemporary porn-able superheroes is that so many contemporary comics are already very sexy. Black Hole, Charles Burns's dystopic allegory about an STD that creates strange mutations in teenagers, is no different. (Hint: the "STD" is desire.) This would make for an unusual porno, since many of the characters end up with gills and tails. Even so, the porn industry could make it work. I imagine tail fucking and kinky bologna would be involved– several of Black Hole's main characters are obsessed with the cured meat sandwich. Perhaps the resultant flick would be more Shortbus indie comedy than porno, but whatever genre it falls into, I want to see it. The porn would probably be more vanilla than the comic if it's going to be mainstream fappable.

 

4. King Mob, The Invisibles

King Mob is the leader of The Invisibles, a cell of The Invisible College– a decentralized secret society whose mission is to combat oppression through time travel. The Invisibles are a ragtag circle of witches, hobos, and musclemen, and with his leather gear and muscular build, King Mob is their well-suited (and very porny) leader. When the porn industry finally makes this film I'll expect light bondage and a MMF threesome.

 

3. Death, The Sandman

The longer this list gets the more obvious it is to me why comic book porn wish lists aren't common as air: they're incredibly weird. Death is a dubious name for a porn star, but the character to which the name belongs is hardly a prude. The Sandman paints Death as an alternative to the depressive, apathetic, and flat personality Western audiences have come to expect from their psychopomps. Plus, Wikipedia calls her downright "perky." Weirdly enough, she's might be the most conventional porn star on this list.

2. Rick Grimes, The Walking Dead

Before The Walking Dead was a TV show, it was a comic with a hot protagonist. On television Grimes might be portrayed by heartthrob Andrew Lincoln, but in porn he would definitely be played by a slightly bearded James Deen. Like Deen, Grimes is a mensch with hidden, mother-unapproved talents. In Rick Grimes's case, that's zombie killing. We want him to father our children. (On film!).

 

1. Willow, Buffy The Vampire Slayer Season Eight

Buffy The Vampire Slayer went off air after seven seasons, but Joss Whedon and co. continued writing an eighth season in the form of a comic book. Season Eight addresses what happens after the show's dramatic conclusion, and the Buffyspeak remains top notch, although the characters are a little more X rated without the FCC's influence. Translating Season Eight into a porno wouldn't be difficult, especially for Willow, who quickly becomes romantically entangled with an orgasmic serpent goddess. Also, Willow can fly, which multiplies the sex position permutations exponentially.

 

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