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And Now To Rank Europe's Princes and Princesses By Sex Appeal
No need to thank us; we do this for the good of humankind.
By Daniel Addice
Perhaps you've heard: England's Princess Kate Middleton is heavy with child! And there is much rejoicing throughout the land! Etc. But Kate and William aren't the only couple reigning o'er fair Europe with benevolent hand and fertile womb. So we thought it appropriate to rank Europe's royals by sex appeal. It turns out there are an awful lot of them, so we limited this contest to only heirs apparent to the throne of a country with a running constitutional monarchy. It's simply more civilized that way.
9. Prince Philippe and Princess Mathilde of Belgium
Philippe and Mathilde have been Prince and Princess of Belgium for almost fifteen years. They're a good-looking pair, but they seem more like a cool aunt and uncle than like anyone you'd want to sleep with.
8. Prince Willem-Alexander and Princess Maxima of the Netherlands
Princess Maxima has worked to improve immigration policies in the Netherlands, and is noted as the first member of a Royal Family to fervently support LGBT equality. Definite points for that. Neither super-sexy, but both pretty adorable.
7. Prince Albert II and Princess Charlene of Monaco
Son to Grace Kelly, and one of the richest monarchs in the world, Prince Albert II married the South African beauty Charlene Wittstock in 2011. Oedipal undertones alert: Wittstock actually looks a bit like Princess Grace. Recently, the press has criticized Princess Charlene for her awkward presence, but we're fairly sure that anything awkward she does still looks a hell of a lot better than anything most people do normally.
6. Prince William and Princess Kate of the United Kingdom
For some reason, British royalty seems to draw at the American heartstrings like no other country. (Maybe all this democracy has us longingly regressing to our bygone days of feudal servitude.) But while these two are cute and amiable, they seem a little dull, and William looks like that one kid in your study group. The nude-photo scandal bumps them up a place or two, but Prince Harry is really showing them up in the unpredictability department, for better or for worse.
5. Prince Louis and Princess Tessy of Luxembourg
Tessy Antony does not have the typical background you would expect from a princess. The daughter of a tiler, Tessy joined the Luxembourg Army (insert Luxembourg joke here) at eighteen, and did so well that she was eventually placed in a NATO-sanctioned peacekeeping force in Kosovo (retract Luxembourg joke here). It was during that mission that she met Prince Louis, who was visiting the country's troops. So, they met in a romantic way, and they're young and good-looking — they may not be the sexiest pair in Europe's palaces, but once again, Luxembourg is punching over its weight.
4. Prince Daniel and Princess Victoria of Sweden
Feminists unite! Victoria is the only Crown Princess on our list to marry a mere peasant commoner (that's Daniel) into royalty, since Sweden was gnarly enough to become the first country in the world to instate full cognatic primogeniture in 1980 — the oldest child, regardless of gender, gets dibs to the throne. Before they started dating, Daniel Westling was Victoria's personal trainer. So you know they're fit, comfortable getting sweaty, and into progressive gender roles. That all adds up to serious libidinal pull.
3. Prince Felipe and Princess Letizia of Spain
Princess Letizia may look like a fairy-tale princess, but she was no damsel in distress when she met Prince Felipe — she was a well-regarded journalist who'd covered major stories in Spain, Mexico, and the United States. Felipe, a former Olympic sailor who's finding his way into middle age remarkably well, has also spent most of his life working for social causes, including serving time at the U.N. with Kofi Annan. They're like your perfect, hometown couple, but much, much better looking.
2. Prince Frederik and Princess Mary of Denmark
With faces right out of a J. Crew catalog, Prince Frederik and Princess Mary show us how class and looks can combine to create two fine-ass individuals. Plus, their story makes Louis and Tessy's look conventional: Frederik, a former Danish Navy Frogman (it's like a Navy SEAL, but maybe a little cuter), was chumming around incognito with some of his royal brethren at the 2000 Olympics in Sydney. It was there he met Mary, a hard-working Aussie completely unaware of his identity. The story breaks away from the traditional fairy tale and moves into the realm of porn script, as the couple's first conversation involved a friend of Mary's expressing a preference for shaved chests on men. Both Frederik and a Greek nobleman named Nikolaos bared their chests to allow the Australian women a grope, and (flash forward a bit)... marriage! That's the kind of trashy-sexy behavior we expect — nay, demand — from our decadent overlords.
1. Prince Haakon and Princess Mette-Marit of Norway
A suave man with a naval background and a badass beard, undoubtedly sculpted by the Norse Gods, with degrees from U.C. Berkeley and the London School of Economics... and a rebellious and sexy barista, popular in the Oslo rave scene, who bears a child from a previous lover and convicted drug-dealer... meet at Quart Musical Festival, the largest rock event in Norway. These two are obviously number one. Just glancing at their calves is enough to make us feel extremely self-conscious.
Want to meet a prince or princess — but, like, a figurative one? Meet them on Nerve.