The Expendables Ranked By Lifetime Sexual Magnetism

Don't fight us on this.

by EJ Dickson

I am a girl. As such, science dictates that I am to find the cast of The Expendables 2 — this Friday's big-budget, action-packed, dick-swinging sequel — unspeakably arousing. See, in prehistoric times, we selected mates based on their ability to protect us from predators, and as a result, we've evolved to want to bone on men with machine guns and calves like Christmas hamhocks. Thus, we at Nerve have ranked these Grade-A, top-choice hunks of man-meat from least to most sexy. Our ratings system is based on a complex matrix of such criteria as "beardiness," "bangability," and "number of illegitimate children fathered with exotic dancers."

So set your genitalia to "aroused." These are the men of The Expendables 1 and 2, ranked by lifetime sexual magnetism. Any dissenters will be summarily executed.

14. Chuck Norris

According to ChuckNorrisFacts.com, Chuck Norris has a big penis. This impressive biological feat alone, however, cannot spare Chuck Norris from the ignominy of taking the last spot on our list. A diehard conservative, Norris is a columnist for the far-right website WorldNetDaily, penning screeds against gay marriage and Obamacare that, when printed out, double as homemade antidotes to vaginal lubrication for liberal women. Even more offensive than Norris's politics is his facial hair, which is like the beard your uncle grew during that two-week cruise to the Bahamas before your aunt told him to shave that goddamn thing off, Larry, or the customs officials in Nassau will search our bags for pot.

13. "Stone Cold" Steve Austin

Here are the three things I know about "Stone Cold" Steve Austin. 1) He is a professional wrestler, and this kid in my sixth-grade class who had WWE stickers on his binder once referred to him as a "pussy." 2) He was in a movie called The Condemned, about a group of prisoners on an island forced into a televised fight to the death, that I remember as kind of a cross between Battle Royale and The Even Stevens Movie. 3) Although he might be a sweetheart in real life, he looks like he'd murder me and my entire family for a pack of menthols, and I find him absolutely terrifying. Next.

12. Randy Couture

According to Wikipedia, Mr. Couture is a "retired mixed martial artist," "actor," and "Greco-Roman wrestler." However, based on name alone, I had assumed Randy Couture was one of the cast members of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. So points off, Randy Couture, and shame on you for accusing Teresa of stealing family recipes for her Italian cookbook.

11. Arnold Schwarzenegger

Schwarzenegger began his career as a world-class bodybuilder and notorious womanizer. But even at peak physical condition, the Governator's bulbous, well-oiled physique was more topographically interesting than sexually arousing: you wouldn't want to bone him as much as you'd want to study him in geography class.

10. Dolph Lundgren

Perhaps best known for playing Soviet sociopath Ivan Drago in 1985's Rocky IV, Lundgren has spent most of his career languishing in the Wal-Mart DVD bargain bin. At fifty-four, he looks less like a Nordic fighting machine and more like a calcified Alexander Skarsgaard. Yet the six-foot-five, 250-pound Swede of Steel is rumored to boast a staggering 160 IQ, making him the ultimate catch if you're the kind of girl who likes her discussions of Kierkegaard's Edifying Discourses in Diverse Spirits with a side of whup-ass.

9. Liam Hemsworth

Liam, if you're reading this, I want to extend a personal apology to you. I'm sure when you clicked on the link you thought you'd place much higher than you did, because you're the youngest and most conventionally "hot" guy on this list and all. But during these tough times, one credit as Guy Who Makes Eyes At Jennifer Lawrence in Hunger Games does not an action heartthrob make. Ponder that next Christmas, when you're at the dinner table and your brother is telling that funny story about how he kept ripping his Thor suit because his muscles were too big.

8. Jean-Claude Van Damme

IMDb tells me that Jean Claude Van Damme is famous because he can do "360-degree ultimate leaping and super flying karate kicks." I don't know what this means, but I'm sure it would impress the hell out of an eleven year-old boy. The Muscles from Brussels also wins Sexy Man points for a) being the only man in film history to successfully pull off a mullet, b) for being the only man in film history to successfully pull off a mullet and hoop earrings, and c) for being the only man in film history to successfully pull off a mullet and hoop earrings whilst punching and biting a rattlesnake to death. Has People's 2011 Sexiest Man Alive, Bradley Cooper, that putz, ever done that? I think not.

Commentarium

comments powered by Disqus