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7. Scott Adkins
With his puppy-dog brown eyes and a jaw that could cut through steel, English martial artist Scott Adkins is perhaps the most conventionally handsome of the Expendables crew: you wouldn't be surprised to see him gracing the cover of J-14 alongside the boys from One Direction, answering questions about his favorite ice-cream flavor and whether he prefers boxers or briefs. Adkins's sexiest attribute by far, however, is his facial hair on the poster for The Expendables 2. It looks like what would happen if Stalin's mustache and Daniel Plainview's mustache got drunk and decided to experiment together.
6. Jason Statham
When I asked my boyfriend how he felt about Jason Statham, he rolled his eyes and said, "He's... fine, I guess." This was a sharp contrast to his response when I asked him about Jean-Claude Van Damme, which was to loudly proclaim Van Damme's epicness while making karate-chop noises. I'm sure many hard-core action fans feel similarly about Statham, but I have to note that he's a former model who boasts the bone structure of a Brooks Brothers mannequin and the ass of a Greek warrior god. Plus, he has an accent, so he could literally step in front of the camera and recite the digits of pi and Americans would still find him sexy.
5. Sylvester Stallone
At sixty-six, Sly has fully descended into sneering, roided-out self-parody. So it's easy to forget that during the 1970s and early '80s, he was awfully attractive. In Rocky, and even in bit roles in Bananas and The Prisoner of Second Avenue, he positively smoldered, trading on his loutish, primal energy to conjure up that hot but dumb guy you went to high school with who'd make out with you in exchange for copying your pre-calc homework. And don't even get me started on his nude scenes in the 1970 softcore Party at Kitty and Stud's. (Spoiler alert: Sly's wang is on the guest list.)
4. Terry Crews
Crews, a former NFL linebacker, has made a career out of playing Hollywood's favorite role for actors of color, the Scary Ginormous Black Man; he famously belted Vanessa Carlton's "A Thousand Miles" in the Wayans Brothers' trenchant filmic commentary on American race relations, White Chicks. Yet despite his questionable taste in film roles, Crews has displayed some serious comic chops, most recently in spots for Old Spice's Odor Blocker Body Wash. A hot and funny guy who can do party tricks with his own boobs? Sign me up.
3. Bruce Willis
In addition to holding lifetime coolness points from Die Hard and Pulp Fiction, Willis is one of the most versatile performers on this list, having mastered genres from comedy (Moonlighting) to drama (The Sixth Sense) to movies featuring things that can talk when they shouldn't be able to (Look Who's Talking, Rugrats Go Wild, Over the Hedge). If Willis's acting talent isn't sexy enough, consider his role as the de facto leader of the Hot White Guys With Shaved Heads movement, which was nary more than a smattering of '70s TV detectives and gay porn stars before Willis took its helm. For refusing to go gently into that good night of male pattern baldness — and for, in so doing, paving the way for dozens of cueball-headed sex symbols, including a few entries on this list — we award you approximately 150.75 sexiness points, Bruce Willis. Thank you for proving that bald can be beautiful.
2. Jet Li
At five feet six inches, or approximately one and a half of Dolph Lundgren's calves, Jet Li is the daintiest slice of man-meat on this list. Yet what Li lacks in size, he makes up for in, well, pretty much everything else you can imagine: he's lithe as a cat, strong as an ox, and cute as a button that can fucking kill you. Plus, Li is a devout Buddhist — as is Sting, who famously engaged in an eight-hour-long Tantric sex session with his wife. Most doctors recommend that people sleep for at least eight hours a night. Therefore, by the transitive property, it is a scientific fact that Jet Li spends as much time boning as the average person spends sleeping. Fact. It's science. Fact.
1. Mickey Rourke
In the mid-'80s, Mickey Rourke looked like a cross between a young Bruce Willis and Christian Slater. Now, he looks more like a cross between Christina Aguilera and a California Raisin. Yet Rourke still manages to be the sexiest Expendable, in part because the aura of craggy resilience his characters give off seems to carry over into his offscreen persona. Having battled demons that would test the mettle of even the toughest action hero — drug and alcohol addiction, health issues stemming from boxing injuries, third billing beneath Jean-Claude Van Damme and Dennis Rodman in Double Team — Rourke still managed to stage one of the most epic comebacks in Hollywood history, earning an Oscar nomination for his role in The Wrestler without punching a single snake in the process. He's not a celluloid hero so much as he's a real-life survivor, and there's nothing sexier than that.
Want to meet a grizzled mercenary? Meet them in the jungle, or on Nerve.