Cosmopolitan: 

On the feminine side of the magazine rack, we’re also learning about love. This month’s lesson is called

“Love skills: Feel closer after a fight.”

So skip the pouty phase and get right back to the orgasms you’ll remember when you’re old.

Bad news: When you’re pissed at each other, your bodies are pumping with adrenaline, which can leave you both on edge.
Good news: Eating carbs can take away that jittery feeling, since it ups the serotonin in your brain which stabilizes your mood. To get the healthy benefits, heat up some nachos (made with reduced fat cheese)...”

Is it good news to know that — scientifically — eating makes you happier? Also, you have reduced-fat nachos sitting around in your fridge waiting to be reheated? That’s the saddest thing I’ve ever heard. 

“The move that makes him forgive you… ”

Tilt your head so that you’re gazing up, exposing your neck. This is a submissive posture that lets him know you genuinely understand you’re in the wrong....

Or you could just go full-out supine, and lie on your back in front of him, pawing at your chesticles with limp wrists. This will arouse and bewilder him, or excite his canine sense of superiority. (And, bonus! If he takes it too far and bites your neck, he totally has to buy you a Beanie Baby.) 

“A little mind trick that helps you move on... ”

It can be tough to forget about an obnoxious thing your guy did, even when you’ve forgiven him. So let yourself replay it in your mind twice. After that, when you start to dwell, close your eyes and tilt your head back. It takes a few seconds for your head to adjust, so it’ll be easier to let go of the thought.

This seems belittling to me. You know what else finds it easy to forget things after a few disorienting seconds? A goldfish. But if that’s really where you’re at, put something shiny on your ceiling, so that when you open your eyes, you’ll go from, “He’s jerk, he’s a jerk,” to “Ooh, pretty!” 

And that’s where we’ll leave it this month. There’s so much more we could talk about, but in the spirit of making our grandparents proud, we should all get off the internet and go find real people. See you next month.