The Ron Swanson Guide to Romance

"Strippers do nothing for me, but I will take a free breakfast buffet any time, any place."


BY LIZZIE PLAUGIC

In exciting news for pretty much everyone, NBC has officially renewed Parks & Recreation for a sixth season. That means more breakfast foods, more Tom Haverford-isms, and more (implicit) Joe Biden sex dreams. To celebrate, we turn to resident woodworking aficionado and Man of Many Tammys, Ron Swanson for his take on love and sex. And with this season’s finale ending with Swanson’s and his new flame Diane’s, love child on the way, we can only hope that maybe he’ll give us some child-rearing tips next time around. 

Never give up on love

Here Swanson shows us that even when things don’t work out with one Tammy, or even two, there’s always room to love another one. Or maybe someone with a different name. 

“Never half-ass two things. Whole-ass one thing.”
Though admittedly, I’m more a part of the half-assing two things sector, I can see where this can be usefully applied to relationships. I mean, it’s pretty universally acknowledged that sex with one person is better than two, because you can direct your full attention towards one ass. 

“I’m a simple man. I like pretty, dark-haired women and breakfast food.” 

Everyone knows the key to successful dating is common interests. And the way to discover these common interests is to have a few unwavering interests of your own.  Like waffles. Then, you bring one of them up on a date and go from there: “Thoughts on pretty, dark-haired waffles?” Instant chemistry.

“When people get too chummy with me, I like to call them by the wrong name to let them know I don’t really care about them.”
This is good advice for people who have maybe been in a relationship for a while and are looking to keep the mystery alive. It’s part of the whole playing hard to get thing. And forgetting someone’s name is the pinnacle of emotional distance that everyone secretly craves.

“The key to burning an ex-wife effigy is to dip it in paraffin wax and then toss the flaming bottle of isopropyl alcohol from a safe distance. Do not stand too close when you light an ex-wife effigy.”
Everyone can use a little harmless rage relief to aid a broken heart, right?

“One rage every three months is permitted. Try not to hurt anyone who doesn’t deserve it.”

This one fits in nicely with the above quote. Allow yourself to ha anger at your significant other, And I think one anger fit every three months seems reasonable. That’s the Rule of Threes, right?

Ben Wyatt: Oh! Wow, look at that. You shaved off part of your mustache. That' s lovely. 
Ron Swanson: I didn't shave it off. It rubbed off. From friction. 
Ron Swanson’s no stranger to the joys of make-up sex. When he gets back together with his ex-wife Tammy, things are heated and dangerous. You know when the sexual tension with someones has been slowly building from the low hum of an ‘88 Volvo to a flaming Hummer on the side of the Auto Bahn? And you think that if your bodies ever actually touch your flesh will simmer and seep into your body? Oh, I’ve distracted myself.

Then again, there’s also this to consider:

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