We've had just about enough, Academy.
Every year, Hollywood's elite swarm together to tell each other just how pretty, talented, and fabulous they all are. While this little circle jerk is enjoyable to watch, there are a few things about the age-old tradition that just grind our gears. Amongst the recognition for this year's cinematic feats, these little conundrums stick out further than Angelina's leg on a red carpet. Thankfully, New York magazine has taken the first step towards ending the tyranny by calling for the Mani-Cam's head on a spike, but it mustn't stop there. We demand more heads, whether they be professionally styled or gold-plated. Here are the nine things that just need to stop happening at The Oscars.
1. Mispronunciation of names
You'd think in a room full of actors, the pool of presenter talent would be hella deep. Alas, sometimes you put an award-winning entertainer in front of a group of their peers/friends/worst rivals and they start fumbling like a seventh-grader at a middle school basketball game. While screwing up someone's name isn't great, perhaps the most egregious offense is adding depth that just isn't there. Looking at you, "An-tony Hopkins." That was at the Golden Globes, but still. You've had weeks to practice saying Quvenzhané Wallis.
2. Clothing that requires a specific pose to look good
I think we can all remember an aforementioned dress from two years ago. Jolie notwithstanding, any outfit that only looks good from one angle or pose belongs in one place: the closet. The Oscars should be about the acting talent present in the room. Should. Real talk: a huge part of it is the clothes, and the jewelry, and who fondles who at the after party. It's not as pretty as a shiny golden statue, but it's the truth. That considered, wear something that looks good even when you turn around.
3. Pre-Pre Shows
Like the countdown to 25 Days of Christmas, pre-pre shows are just ridonkulous. I enjoy watching pundits and gadflies commenting and speculating on what's going to happen in just a few hours — because waiting is for the poor and ugly — as much as the next guy, but we must draw a line. If not, Guiliana Rancic would be on our televisions every hour of every day. Lord(e) knows that'd be the greatest of gifts, but a lady must rest.
4. Ragging on people for speaking in their native tongue
I know if I won an Academy Award, I'd want to thank my parents (in this case, the amazing people who gave us the likes of Jennifer Lawrence and Leonardo DiCaprio) in my own special way. For some, that could be as simple as an "olive juice" reference. For others, it could be saying something in the language of the people who you owe everything to. When this happens and you don't understand, smile, hope it was a sweet sentiment, and use it as an ice breaker later. "Hey, what were you saying to your mom? Oh, that's so sweet!"
5. Demure Smiles
We get it. You're cute, but sexy. You've got something to hide, but just enough to give. Maybe you appeared nude on film once, but can we blame you? You're fucking adorable and hot and I want to be you but maybe also just babysit your cat. You're beautiful people with saucy little smiles and I've had enough! This year, I want hardcore cheesing Giada-style or straight mean mugging. None of this "Do you have to give me a ticket, officer?" ruse.
6. "Who're you wearing?"
First, "who're" will always look like the word "whore" when written out, and now that you've read this, you'll always think "Whore, you wearing?" when you hear that question. You're welcome. Second, it's an oddly cannibalistic and/or homicidal question. Especially considering we answer with people's names! Did you skin Ralph Lauren's body and sling it into a mermaid cut, Scarlett? Did you? This year, let's stick with a much less graphic "What designer's clothes do you have on?" or perhaps "Who gave you this outfit in order to promote their brand?" A bit more clinical, yes, but much more tolerable.
7. Comparing anyone to an animal
Our furry brethren are clearly superior to humans, so I get why some people like to compare their favorite people with everyone's favorite creatures. Really, I do. That said, some references slip into conversation easier than others. Examples: "He's cute as a bunny." "She's got those sexy cat eyes." "My lion-hearted manger." One of these things is not like the other — and should die forever.
8. Over-compensating rival applause
No one likes a sore loser and I'm a big proponent of the "Don't be shitty" mentality but some of y'all famous folk need to calm down. We see what you're doing. Now take your loss like a champ, clap for the winner, and then sit down and take a sip out of your secret flask like we all know you want to.
9. Hair that is more than 7 inches off your head
I'm not pointing at anyone in particular, you know who you are, but follicle stylings above the seven inch mark have officially passed even the most southern of southern beauty queens' watermark. Mohawks are a an exception — sometimes. And even then, consider the other would-be tiny golden naked statue huggers. Can they see the stage clearly? And what of the seat fillers? This might be their only chance to go to the Oscars, to mingle with the select few. If someone's nip slips, is that every(wo)man going to get a good gander, or is your "has something to prove" hair in the way?
10. Pretending like you're not normal people
Aside from a select few, most of these so-called "best actors of our time" came from humble beginnings and grew into their talent/stardom. Everyone loves a good "American Dream" success story, but that doesn't mean you have to forget your pre-veneer days. Loosen up, celebs. Tell a fart joke. Let them know if you're a little bored or hungry or nervous or just really have to poop. Remind us that you're human and A) you'll seem super relatable (your publicist will love you) and B) you'll get to act human. Take a note from J-Law. Then, everybody wins. Not necessarily a statute but — you get what I mean.
Image via WikiCommons.