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Ranked: All the Guys from the First Two Seasons of ‘Girls’

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The sexy, awkward, and borderline criminal men who've hooked up with our favorite girls. 

What would the girls of Girls talk about if they didn't have any guys? Well, I'm sure they'd find some things (art, body image issues, coffee, just where the hell Jessa goes to during the day), but in celebration of the guys who make these girls' lives worth living (and not), here they all are, ranked in terms of greatness.

19. Rich Glatter (Richard Masur)


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Felt Up: Hannah
Introduced: Season 1, Episode 4, "Hannah's Diary"
Quote: "Now you'll let me know if the touching ever bothers your right? I'm just a touchy kind of guy."
Here's The Deal: We meet Rich in one of my favorite episodes of the series. While Ray and Charlie are at the girls' apartment reading Hannah's diary, she starts a new temp job where Rich is her boss who likes to feel-up his female employees. Other than PG-13 sexual harassment, he's a super nice guy. I mean, he paid for Chastity's sister to go to camp and got Lesley an iPod for her birthday. Hannah quits the job in the next episode after she comes on to Rich (which she thinks will make a great story) and he turns her down.
 

18. Frank (Nick Lashaway)

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Hooked Up With: Hannah
Introduced: Season 2, Episode 7, "Video Games"
Quote: "I don't eat the rabbits either."
Here's The Deal: Ew. Hannah accompanies Jessa on trip to visit her estranged father, his wife, and their 19 year-old virginal son Frank.  Hannah, Jessa, Frank, and his friend Tyler get high off an aerosol can then go for a joy ride. Hannah assumes the group is on a "sexcapade" and has eight-second-sex with Frank in a grave yard only to find out Jessa had no intention of hooking up with Tyler. This is the worst episode of Girls.

17. Sandy (Donald Glover)


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Hooked Up With: Hannah
Introduced: Season 2, Episode 1, "It's About Time."
Quote: "All you white girls move to Brooklyn, with you fixed-gear bikes, and you're like, 'I'm gonna date a black guy!'"
Here's The Deal: Ok everyone, chill out. I know you love Donald Glover on 30 Rock and Community, but this ranking is based solely on his character of Sandy, a black Republican Hannah dates at the beginning of Season 2. In addition to his right winged opinions, know-it-all commentary, and general self-righteous tone, Sandy doesn't like Hannah's writing. So, they break up with in the second episode. Peace, bro.

16. Jessa's Ex Boyfriend (Daniel Eric Gold)


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Dated: Jessa
Introduced: Season 1, Episode 5, "Hard Being Easy"
Quote: "Because I wanted to see you, because I wanted to see what was happening with my old friend, a girl I used to date in a very tumultuous relationship in which one's Vespa gets destroyed for no reason." 
Here's The Deal: Jessa should have kept hooking up with Eric, her ex-boyfriend who wants to hang out as just friends. He's dating a 38 year-old and makes it very clear to Jessa he doesn't want to fool around. She takes this as a personal challenge and in a matter of minutes they're having sex out the window while Shoshanna cowers in the closet. 

15. Eric (Lou Taylor Pucci)


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Hooked Up With: Hannah
Introduced: Season 1, Episode 6, "The Return"
Quote: "Please don't put your finger in my asshole."
Here's The Deal: Eric is super cute and shows just how down-home, boy-next-door he is with a super cute pizza date for Hannah, while she's home in Michigan visiting her parents. Hannah didn't realize just how much she was into Adam's kinky sex and started getting a little too dirty for Eric, who simply just wanted to have sex. Michigan is just too plain.

14. Thomas-John (Chris O'Dowd)


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Married: Jessa
Introduced: Season 1, Episode 8, "Weirdos Need Girlfriends Too"
Quote: "I want to be balls deep in something and I don't even care what it is."
Here's The Deal: Fucked up. Jessa and Marnie meet Thomas-John in a bar in Season One. They go back to his place, where we find out TJ is messed up. In the season finale, Jessa surprises the girls when she marries this icky finance guy. She couldn't break up with him soon enough. It only two a few episodes into Season 2.

13. George (Billy Morrissette)


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Dated: Elijah
Introduced: Season 1, Episode 10, "She Did"
Quote: "When I was your age, I was snorting coke off twinks and dancing with my tits out."
Here's The Deal: George is hysterical in a diagnosed bi-polar sort of way. After Elijah moves in with Hannah, we find out just how unstable (and really funny) he is. The two break up after Elijah admits he tried to hook up with Marnie, but I can't help but hope there is more George in our future.

12. Jeff (James Le Gros)


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Flirted With: Jessa
Introduced: Season 1, Episode 3, "All Adventurous Women Do."
Quote: "Sometimes Daddies need snacks too."
Here's The Deal: Jessa and Jeff may have been the perfect match in another life. After a few episodes of flirting with her new employer, Jessa actually decides to do the right thing for the first time in her life and quits the job so Jeff doesn't cheat on his wife.  

11. Thadd (Bobby Moynihan)


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Kissed: Marnie
Introduced: Season 1, Episode 10, "She Did"
Quote: In reference to Marnie's cleavage: "That looks awesome. I'd like to go there, someday."
Here's The Deal: Marnie should freaking marry Thadd. The two are obviously physically mismatched, but his quirky humor at Jessa's wedding, combined with Marnie's heartache from Charlie, connect the two in a really sweet kiss to end Season 1. 

10. Morgan (Morgan Krantz)


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Hooked Up With: Jessa
Introduced: Season 1, Episode 2, "Vagina Panic"
Quote: "You're bleeding."
Here's The Deal: Morgan is a total missed connection. On the way to her abortion appointment, where the other girls are waiting, Jessa stopped in a bar for a quick drink. Enter sexy Morgan whom she drags into the bathroom to hook up. While getting fingered, Jessa gets her period and the evidence of not being pregnant turns her on even more. Why couldn't she just date Morgan?

9. Laird (Jon Glaser)


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Hooked Up With: Hannah
Introduced: Season 2, Episode 3, "Bad Friend"
Quote: "You know what Hannah, you are the most self-involved presumptuous person I have ever met. I had feelings for you, until I realized how rotten your insides are."
Here's The Deal: Other than being really creepy and a drug dealer/addict, Laird is really adorable. When Elijah and Hannah want to have a coked-out night out so she'll have something to write about, she turns to Laird for the goods. He follows to keep a safe eye on Hannah. At the end of the night, Hannah decides sex with Laird is "the story" she's been looking for.

8. Booth Jonathan (Jorma Taccone)


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Hooked Up With: Marnie
Introduced: Season 1, Episode 3, "All Adventurous Women Do"
Quote: "But I want you to know the first time I fuck you, I might scare you a little, because I'm a man, and I know to do things."
 Here's The Deal: Booth Jonathan is the guy you would never date but most certainly try to hook up with. Marnie is obsessed with Booth, an artist, and starts getting dirty with him after she and Charlie break up. She realizes, while she is in a relationship with Booth, he is not in a relationship with her. Also of note: he has a really cute butt. 

7. Ray (Alex Karpovsky)


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Dated/De-flowered: Shoshanna
Introduced: Season 1, Episode 1, "Pilot"
Quote: "Crotchless panties! Wait, those are holes. There are holes in these underwear"
Here's The Deal: I'm pretty sure the character of Ray is designed to be really annoying. He's Charlie's best friend and overall negatively funny. He becomes momentarily precious to hook up with Shoshanna, but after the two start dating he's back to being really, really needy. Nobody brings peppy Shoshanna down and she explosively breaks up with him in the Season 2 finale (thank God).

6. Steve (Kareem Savinon)


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Hooked Up With: Shoshanna
Introduced: Season 2, Episode 8, "It's Back"
Quote: "A tranny walked in last time, but he was just walking around the floors. It was nothing."
Here's The Deal: After a friend's party, Shoshanna is hit on by the building's ridiculously good looking door man. She's already mentally over Ray, so she goes for the spontaneous hook up in the mail room. Hunky Steve has what the kids call major swag. Here's hoping after she dumped Ray, she jumped back into the sack the mail room with the door man.#TeamDoorman

5. Matt (Skylar Astin)


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Almost Hooked Up With: Shoshanna
Introduced: Season 1, Episode 4, "Hannah's Diary"
Quote: "People are always saying that city girls are hotter than Long Island girls, but I'm not about to be agreeing with that."
Here's The Deal: Now that Shoshanna is no longer a virgin, she can finally have sex with Matt. On her way to class, she bumped into her old camp friend and the two found themselves hooking up that night. Shosh is so eager to have sex, but hilariously confesses she's the "least virginy virgin there is" and Matt just doesn't do virgins, literally. Season 3, let's make this happen!

4. Joshua (Patrick Wilson)


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Hooked Up With: Hannah
Introduced: Season 2, Episode 5, "One Man's Trash"
Quote: "If you want to leave the rodeo, that's your choice but I don't mind you staying. I want you to stay."
Here's The Deal: There was absolutely nothing wrong the with character of Joshua, other than him letting a 24 year-old girl into his home to have sex marathon. Who isn't into that? It's television people, get over it. He's intelligent, charming, romantic, and has a drop dead gorgeous brownstone in Greenpoint. Of course, Hannah has a meltdown because she's unhappy, things get awkward and we never see sexy Joshua again.

3. Charlie Dattolo (Christopher Abbott)


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Dated: Marnie
Introduced: Season 1, Episode 1, "Pilot"
Quote: "Have a great day ladies, I mean sluts."
Here's The Deal: Charlie is going to be a perfect boyfriend for someone who isn't Marnie. He's really cute and has an enormous heart and an ever-growing wallet. He was so personally successful while he and Marnie were broken up that the second they are back together he becomes that sad, annoying puppy who is always hurt and confused. He's going to be just fine, after they inevitably break up again.

2. Elijah (Andrew Rannells)


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Fucked: Hannah and Marnie(ish)
Introduced: Season 1, Episode 3, "Vagina Panic"
Quote: "Let's have the type of night where it's like 5AM and one of us has definitely punched someone who's been on a Disney Channel show."
Here's The Deal: Elijah was the saving grace of Season 2. Hanna's gay ex-boyfriend turned roommate gives hilariously snide commentary on the lives of the girls (even though his life is equally fucked up). As monstrous as he is, he is the one who always said what the audience is thinking. Back as a regular in Season 3, I'm excited to see if Elijah finally finds the love he deserves. 

1. Adam Driver (Adam Sackler)


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Dated: Hannah
Introduced: Season 1, Episode 1, "Pilot"
Quote: "Save your strength kid, we're in this for the long haul."
Here's The Deal: Ok, so Adam is fucked up. But so is everyone else on this show! The character was super creepy in the beginning of series and dark, mysterious, and disconnected during sex. After he and Hannah have a break through, he becomes an attentive, charming boyfriend – which Hannah of course fucks up. Adam's obsession, and Hannah's meltdown, bring the two back together in the finale Season 2. However, happily ever after seems a long way away for these two off-kilter lovebirds.

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