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The Louis C.K. Guide to Masturbation

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"I like it. It's easy and it's fun and nobody gets hurt." 

Louis C.K. masturbates. It's part of his identity. Comedian, father, masturbator. He talks about jerking off more than a nun at an all-boys Catholic high school. He's probably America's foremost masturbation expert who isn't a professional, full-time sex advice giver. Last night's episode of Louie featured a long discussion of masturbation, and a fairly progressive view of male use of sex toys. Louie even bought himself a Magic Wand. May is Masturbation Month, and in celebration of that, as well as the long-awaited return of Louie, we've collected the best stuff Louis C.K. has ever said about masturbation. 

On how great jerking off is:

"I like it. It's easy and it's fun and nobody gets hurt." 

"When I discovered masturbation, I was so happy, I loved it. Everybody loves it. Nobody's [jerking off motion], 'this fucking sucks.' It's pretty universally liked."

"We're like porn for God. He watches us, and then he probably masturbates!" 

"Since there's been people, all of them, every single person ever, have masturbated. Gandhi, Joan Jett, Shakespeare…"

"I'm 42, I'm really good at masturbating. I'm like the best masturbator on the planet earth. I'm really there is nobody better at that than me, so I'm gonna continue to excel at that. I'm gonna focus on that and raising my children. I know it's not nice to say both those things in one sentence, but they happen to be the two things that I do the best."

Sarah Silverman: "Why does everyone think girls need toys to get off?" 

Jim Norton: "I need toys. I got a vibrator and a dildo. I hold the vibrator against the shaft and I slowly roll it against the balls. I start off in a nice circular motion and pick up speed and kablowee. It makes me come so good. It’s taken my orgasms from 3s to 10s. That little gizmo has made my life good.”

On how bad jerking off is:

"I don't feel good. I ate too much and masturbated too recently. It's bad to jerk off and run out the door, 'cause you run into somebody, 'oh, she knows.' You gotta take some time alone to process the shame." 

"This is another aging thing. I was jerking off and I looked at my penis and it was blurry because my eyes are going. So I had to go to the drug store and buy reading glasses and I felt weird, like, 'She knows I'm jerking off with these.' Like, she's just looking at me like, 'You ain't readin' shit, you dirty old…' Anyway, so I got reading glasses and I looked at it and it was still blurry. So I don't think it's my eyes. I think my dick is getting blurry."

"You can figure out how bad of a person you are by how soon after September 11th you masturbated, and for me it was between the two buildings going down. I had to do it, I had to, because otherwise they win." 

"The sad thing about being a guy is that we can't have a beautiful thought about a woman that isn't followed by a disgusting thought. If a man has ever said anythng romantic to you, it's because he left off the second part that would have made you vomit. 'Oh, she's an angel, and I want her to drown in my cum.'"

On the trouble that it causes:

"When you were a kid, did you ever have fantasies about your parents dying so you'd be really special in school? You'd go to school and they'd make an announcement, 'Joey's parents died today,' and all the cute girls would come up and go 'are you okay?' and stuff like that, which would never happen, they'd just walk up to you and go, 'I'm still not gonna fuck you, you faggot,' that's what would've happened. And I would've jerked off to that and had a better time than if I'd fucked them. Seriously. To me, jerking off later to a cute girl saying that to me after my parents died, like the brutalness of that, would have gotten me off better than fucking that stupid bitch. Fuck her. I don't need her."

Airport Security Guard: Sir, what's in this bottle?

Louis C.K.: Lube.

Airport Security Guard: Lube?

Louis C.K.: Yes, it's lubricant for masturbating with. It's technically made for sex, but I have personally never used it that way. I use it to masturbate with. It's easier to masturbate if I use this lubricant.

Airport Security Guard: Let him keep it.

Jim Norton: When I was growing up, we didn't have Playboys, 'cause they weren't allowed and my mother would clear my room out and so I would just draw tits and pussies.

Nick DiPaolo: Like this? [holds up drawing]

Jim Norton: Big tits and big hairy pussies.

Nick DiPaolo: That's been in your pocket since you was a kid?

Jim Norton: No, stupid, I just– I draw them regularly.

Nick DiPaolo: Let me get this straight. You jack off to your own drawings of tits and pussies? That's a lot of work to get a nut off.

Sarah Silverman: I think it's sweet.

Rick Crom: You still draw like a little kid.

Jim Norton: I know.

Louis C.K.: This is contemporary work?

Jim Norton: Yes, it's contemporary work.

Louis C.K.: And you jerk off to this?

Jim Norton: Yes, I do.

"This is a terrible representation of a woman masturbating. Like, they just hunch over and just fuckin' rub. Women are very elegant, they do a little tiny thing. If a guy had a pussy, he'd just [scratchscratchscratch], take a steel brush and [scratchscratchscratch]."

Images via FX Networks.