This Week in Girls Sex

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Our own twist on a Girls recap.

Girls, as you may have heard, is a show on HBO. The girls on this show have sex, usually in hilarious ways, and so we at Nerve decided that rather than offer a straightforward recap, that's the beat we want to cover. 

In true Girls fashion, we first see this season’s guest star Donald Glover nestled between Lena Dunham’s breasts as they hook up in the back of the bookstore where his character, Sandy, works. During their post-coital recap, Sandy tells Hannah he “loves” how weird she is, a totally adorable and fine thing to say after sex that Hannah finds breathtakingly offensive. “Don’t say love to me,” she warns him. “Not even joke love.” Get over yourself, Hannah. Don’t pretend like you’re some hot-shot, cold-fish, man-eating Katherine Heigl character and the mere suggestion of romantic commitment makes your clitoris crumple up like an origami swan.

Hannah later attempts to have a definitive breakup talk with Adam (Adam Driver), who was hit by a truck at the end of last season, informing him that because they are not dating anymore, she is entitled to time and space for herself. Adam, however, disagrees with this assessment of their relationship: “I don’t really care about labels, you’re here all the time and you’re my main hang. So if you need to not have the title for a while, I’m not gonna freak out… Did you like fucking me? I think you did. I came, you came hard, we all laughed.” Adam is the Descartes of break-up counter-arguments.

Later, Eli (Hannah’s new housemate, played by Andrew Rannell) and Hannah prep for their first house party when Shoshanna (Zosia Mamet) comes over to bitch about Ray (Alex Karpovsky), the coffee-shop owner who took her virginity last season. Shoshanna makes it known that if Ray comes to the party tonight, she will not be having any of that shit. “I may be deflowered, but I am not devalued,” she tells them triumphantly.

But Shoshanna’s dry spell is just about to come to an end: after Ray confronts her about how she unfriended him on Facebook, she rebuffs him; he compliments her on her “beautiful, fresh, vibrant sincerity” before grabbing her hand, pulling her to him, and passionately kissing her in the coatroom.

Fellas: Don’t show us that you care by sending us emoji-laden texts or making us some beats on Ableton. Grab us by the hand and tell us how beautiful and fresh and vibrant and sincere we are before you stick your tongues down our throats, and at least act like you don’t care when your Magic Hat No. 9 drips on the floor. That’s romance. A six-pack of that is expensive in New York.

Hannah eventually gets around to flat-out telling Adam she just doesn’t want to be with him anymore, and he does not take this well. “You told me I was the only one who ever made you feel anything,” he says, wounded. “You said I made your whole body feel like it was a clit,” he continues, which… is actually a pretty compelling argument.

Hannah’s not buying it, though. “I’m an individual, and I feel what I feel when I feel it, and right now I feel like I don’t ever want to see you again,” she tells him. It’s a pretty cold thing to say, especially to someone who just got run over, but in her defense, Donald Glover’s dick is in her immediate horizons, which would probably cloud anyone’s judgment.

Back at Hannah’s apartment, Marnie and Elijah are drunkenly duetting on a Sarah McLachlan tune that I am way too lazy to look up. Elijah starts pouring his heart out to Marnie about his dating woes, and Marnie sympathizes, before admitting that she could never be a gay man because she doesn’t like giving blow jobs and anal sex. Elijah is shocked to hear this, and decides to initiate sex with her, via some sloppy kissing and really awkward-looking boob-touching.

We are then treated to a (pretty incredible) view of Andrew Rannells’ ass and some Allison Williams side-boob. Although it looks crazy hot, the whole thing peters out when Elijah is unable to get hard, in part because he’s turned off by Marnie rolling her eyes at him but also because he is a homosexual and has zero interest in touching boobs other than to giggle and comment on how squishy they are.

This was the only part of the ep that rang completely false to me: as someone who has had her fair share of unsuccessful sexual encounters with gay men, it’s totally implausible that Marnie and Elijah would get as far as they did without one of them squealing uncomfortably and suggesting they watch a Bunheads marathon instead.

Finally, Hannah arrives at Sandy’s house with the inimitable pick-up line, “Can I borrow The Fountainhead?” Don’t read that shit, Hannah. It’s like, 900 pages long and it’ll make you an even more insufferable human being than you already are. Then she falls blissfully asleep, presumably awash in dreams of Donald Glover’s cheekbones.

Welcome back to Girls, ladies and gentlemen. They came. We came. We all laughed.