Tindergarten is a hoax. There go your dreams.
Nearly every week, a seemingly incredible app that was once a mere 99 cents away from crowding my iPhone screen turns out to be a big old hoax. The recent rash of fake apps is a strange mirror for our culture. It makes us ask: what kinds of products do we want when our most perverse desires are let off their leash? Because they have yet to build apps that automatically find a private residential toilet on-the-go or send pizza to second-story windows, I'm taking a look at the best apps that the faux market has to offer. And for a while, they all had us fooled.
The typical prescription of a kick to the back of the chair and a cootie shot for a kindergarten crush no longer exists in a world with Tindergarten. The fake app plays upon the wildly popular Tinder hookup app, only geared to five-year-olds. If your visceral reaction to the website's description, "After you learn to wipe, learn to swipe" is a combination shudder-gag, then we're on the same page.
Do we wish it was real? Hell no. While the app does point out the absurdity of young children being sexualized so early, I am of the camp that children should learn cursive before they message on a hookup app.
LIVR was designed as the only social networking site for completely inebriated individuals. In order to unlock the app, the user must take a breathalyzer test to determine whether or not they are drunk enough to use the apps' many features — including truth or dare and a map feature to connect users in the area. Though it does somewhat encourage binge drinking, LIVR also plays upon other apps that have made you take a typing test in order to access your Gmail. Could it lead to hookups? Maybe, if it was at all real.
Do we wish it was real? Well, kind of. If only to stir up those stale nights when that PBR is doing nothing to entertain you. But please, folks, drink responsibly.
Gossip magazines tear celebrities apart, but if you'd like to take that whole celeb-grinding thing literally, you might want to feign downloading BiteLabs. If you're interested in fine A-lister charcuterie, BiteLabs is the only meat purveyor (to my knowledge) that takes delicate tissue samples from celebrities and make them into artisanal salami.
Do we wish it was real? Yes. Imagine the exquisite texture of a Jennifer Lopez-Jason Schwartzman house blend.
Drone 2 Home
A fleet of high-tech drones delivering your Netflix DVD to you mere seconds after you add it to your queue sounds kind of good, right? A trickster released a commercial for a fake app last month advertising a location-based service for smart phones, so that your Netflix can come to you right away. No clicking through the slush of B-grade Instant Watch movies (cough, The Beauty and the Briefcase) and no waiting weeks for that red envelope in the mail. It's lifted from Amazon's absurd drone delivery ideas and it looks as ridiculous as it sounds.
Do we wish it was real? Completely. For those times when you just really, really need to watch Labyrinth and perform a solo version of "Magic Dance," right this minute goddammit.
I am Pee-wee
Introduced in a Late Night with Jimmy Fallon skit, I am Pee-wee borrows from the insanely popular and actually very real I am T-Pain app. While T-Pain's version autotunes everything the user records with the phone's microphone, this app Pee-wees everything the user says. Of course, that means everything you record would sound like a breathy, giggling baby-talker. Because, again, you are imitating a pale man in a bow tie who talks to furniture. If only it came in "Chairy," too.
Do we wish it was real? Yes. Because we need to scare people in bars and possibly unsuspecting crowds in adult movie theaters.
For those sick of talking to their ferns (you do it, admit it) without hearing anything back, the Plant Whisperer app promises to get your green-leafed friends communicating in real time. Just take a picture of your plant and the app will "analyze leaf structure and hue associated with healthy Nitrogen intake," and will choose between one of 38 responses to let you know how it's doing. Unfortunately, "Stop letting your cat piss in me" is not a canned response this fake app provides.
Do we wish it was real? Yes, I am too frequently guilty of plant murder.
Image via Tindergarten.