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Horrifyingly Life-Like Animal Dildos Are Now For Sale on Amazon

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In case you were interested in Moby's dick.

Need I remind you, as of 2012, having sex with an animal is illegal in 37 states in the U.S. Okay, now that we've got that out of the way, let me tell you about some terrible, heinous, jaw-dropping, no-good-very-bad animal dildos. 

Though Amazon has had a history of deleting bestiality-themed e-books for the benefit of our innocent eyes, it would seem that it has no problem keeping a vibrant stock of anatomically correct animal phalluses for the casual collector. Whether these beastly dildos were intended for ardent NatGeo enthusiasts, have simply been created for novelty use, or take a dark turn toward zoophilia is uncertain. But with ad copy reading, "This toy will leave you speechless," I have a feeling like these wild prick whittlers mean business. Let me take you through the terribly punny collection (all that's missing is Operation Dumbo Cock). And, please, remain horrified for the duration of the tour. 

 

Moby's Dick: Anatomically Correct Whale Dildo

Call me impaled.

 

Length: 14 inches

Maximum Circumference: 12.5 inches

Actual size of blue whale penis: 8-10 feet

 

Trojan Horse Dildo

Can you guess how many tiny potential men are hiding inside?

 

 

 

Length: 18.5 inches

Maximum Circumference: 12.5 inches

Actual size of horse penis: 12-36 inches

 

The Wolfman Canine Dildo

Actual copy: "Once that knot is inside you will feel truly knotted and it will stay securely in place while you go about your daily ritual."

 

Length: 10 inches

Maximum Circumference: 9.75 inches

Actual size of wolf penis: 7-9 inches

 

The Clifford Dog Dong

Warning: Does not come with an Emily Elizabeth fleshlight.

Length: 9 inches

Maximum Circumference: 6.75 inches

Actual size of a dog's penis: Varied, but comparable to human's.

 

Mr. Ed Dildo

He's always on a steady course.

Length: 15 inches

Maximum Circumference: 8 inches

Actual size of horse penis: 12-36 inches

 

[h/t The Worst Things For Sale]