New Gross Tongue-Training App Wants You to Lick Your Phone

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Because you don't have the flu yet.

If you have yet to suffer from full-body aches, seizing dry coughs, or paralyzing fever this season, but you totally want to, I have just the sex app for you. Innovators at the Club Sexy Time team have just released the Lick This web app, a mobile site designed to shape up your tongue. Train your tongue for what, you ask? Cunnilingus: the past time of generous lovers and trombone players. You can rehearse common oral sex patterns like flicking a light switch on and off, bouncing a beach ball, and most peculiarly, sharpening a pencil. Only, to do your super important tongue exercises, the app requests that you lick your phone screen. 

This is all well and good, except, I repeat: You are licking your iPhone screen. That same phone your germ-ridden hands use to cling to the subway pole while commuting next to a mouth-breather, that same phone you balanced on a radiator so it could charge at a bar, that same phone that a stranger once asked to borrow for an "emergency phone call," that same phone which you use to troll Instagram while sitting on the toilet. 

The app suggests putting a plastic covering —probably some Saran wrap — over your phone before you start tonguing the hell out of it. But let me save a few moments of your time and a co-pay for amoxicillin and tell you that willingly sticking your tongue on any smartphone is a bad idea. You do not want to be known as that person who went to third base with Siri. Lick This should be reserved solely for people who believe in the five-second rule and who unapologetically eat smelly meats on public transportation. Besides, I don't believe many vaginas will benefit from the use of this app. Because women are more than just tools to stick your Dixon Ticonderoga in. Oh wait, I need to go back and read that last sentence.